Sunday, October 29, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
The 'Grandpa Shirt'
This week the kids went on their first field trip of the year to Casa De Fruta in Hollister. We rode the bus (not as fun as it sounds when you realize that there were three of us in one seat), but it was an experience none the less. The kids looked adorable in their Halloween shirts. Claire wanted to wear this black pumpkin shirt that my dad gave her last year for Halloween. How she remembered that she still had it is beyond me. So from this point on, she says it should be referred to as the 'Grandpa Shirt'. Michael wore a glow-in-the-dark spider shirt and felt equally as cool! I must say that as a parent of little kids for the past 5 years, it is so rewarding to be able to do 'big kid' things like take them on a field trip. I am also completely aware that with the birth of #3, I will be thrown back into the tedious tasks of packing a diaper bag and bracing for the 'no sleep' regimen. So it was a joy to take in the lack of real effort I had to put in to see the kids being so independent and well behaved at the farm. Knowing that my time is limited in terms of being able to get out of bed and experience things with the kids, I breathed in every moment of the trip. Watching them interact with their friends, Michael pushing Claire over into a mountain of pumpkins (he claims it was an accident), kicking up dust as we walked over to ride an old fashioned train, eating brown bag lunches on a hill with peacocks prancing around. I feel like time has slowed so that I can enjoy each and every experience life has to offer. It's funny, when you are pregnant- time goes by so slowly. You can't wait to be just a week more advanced in your pregnancy and it seems like you could grab the minutes, which hang like fog on a crisp fall morning, right before your eyes. I have been working hard to change the way I am thinking about the passage of time. Choosing to take the slow process of pregnancy and enjoy the little things that make my children unique. A lot of mom's worry about how when a new baby comes they won't be able to find love to give to the new baby. How will they balance the attention with 3 eager children wanting you all to themselves? I am sure this is no easy task (as I will soon find out) but I haven't taken a second to worry about finding love for all 3. I know it is there and always will be.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Open Yourself Up To The Journey
So here I am. I'm over half way through the my third pregnancy with no real news other than the baby looks great and things are stable (for now). What I can't seem to shake is this cloud of uncertainty which seems to follow me wherever I go. The life cycle of a pregnancy is filled with its ups and downs. The ebb and flow of "Oh, everything is looking great" to "Um, everything is not looking that great anymore". Pregnant women are constantly dealing with the 'what if's' and the 'oh no's', but somehow every pregnant woman gets through it. And when it is all over, we are rewarded with our journey and each of us has our own story to tell. After two difficult pregnancies filled with unbelievable and moving stories that some might think were make believe, I am again journeying down a road where the the bumps and turns are not mapped out.
When Michael was born 5 years ago, I remember feeling so discouraged and angry at what had happened. Why me? Why this poor baby? It was so frustrating to have absolutely no control over his situation. No matter how hard I wanted to help him, all I could do was wait for him to get better. I sat day in and day out next to his incubator and watched every move he made. I was his mother and I would not let him down. My little boy, born in a foreign country with the hope and prayers of so many parts of the world resting on his itty bitty shoulders, came through his pain like the champion we knew he was.
So when I was pregnant with Claire and was faced yet again with the threat of preterm labor and bedrest I was surprised to see control of the situation land directly in my lap. At times I felt that God was testing me- saying from the heavens, "Let's see what that Lisa Swendsen can do with this situation . . ." Instead of being forced to deal with the grim situation as I did with Michael, I had some control and believe me- I took full advantage of that. I didn't tempt fate. Instead I threw fate out the window and for 73 days in the hospital, I journeyed to one of the most amazing events of my life- the birth of my daughter Claire, a full-term baby Claire. So much of my strength on bedrest came from the pain and suffering from which I couldn't spare Michael. I remember thinking that a mom's most important job was to keep her baby safe and away from harm's way, but somehow this rule didn't apply to the way I mothered him. By the time I was pregnant with Claire, I had recovered from a lot of these feelings, but like any good mother if you just barely scratched my surface, I oozed guilt and resentment for what I felt was my fault. The experience of bedrest changed me in so many ways. I realized how strong I was, how much I loved Michael and his soon to be sister, that any journey is easier if you allow God to join you on it, and realized that so much of overcoming life struggles is mental. If you put your mind to something and believe in it with all of your heart, you will have a great chance at conquering it.
Years removed from both of these situations and in many ways healed, I again open myself up to the journey. Many think I am crazy. "Why would you put yourself through this again?", I've heard. What some people don't understand is that I feel I was put me on this Earth to be a mother. Plain and simply- a mother. So if I have to lay in bed for two months to become a mother again, so be it. Poke me, prod me, do what you want. It is worth it. Two months of your life is nothing when you consider that these months provide you with a new little life in which you can cherish forever. When your life revolves around wiping tears from your child's cheek, holding their beautiful little hands, or watching them giggle with their sibling- not much else matters. So as I prepare for whatever my journey holds for me, I remember that whatever else I accomplish outside of the realm of being a mother- is icing on my already delicious cake.
When Michael was born 5 years ago, I remember feeling so discouraged and angry at what had happened. Why me? Why this poor baby? It was so frustrating to have absolutely no control over his situation. No matter how hard I wanted to help him, all I could do was wait for him to get better. I sat day in and day out next to his incubator and watched every move he made. I was his mother and I would not let him down. My little boy, born in a foreign country with the hope and prayers of so many parts of the world resting on his itty bitty shoulders, came through his pain like the champion we knew he was.
So when I was pregnant with Claire and was faced yet again with the threat of preterm labor and bedrest I was surprised to see control of the situation land directly in my lap. At times I felt that God was testing me- saying from the heavens, "Let's see what that Lisa Swendsen can do with this situation . . ." Instead of being forced to deal with the grim situation as I did with Michael, I had some control and believe me- I took full advantage of that. I didn't tempt fate. Instead I threw fate out the window and for 73 days in the hospital, I journeyed to one of the most amazing events of my life- the birth of my daughter Claire, a full-term baby Claire. So much of my strength on bedrest came from the pain and suffering from which I couldn't spare Michael. I remember thinking that a mom's most important job was to keep her baby safe and away from harm's way, but somehow this rule didn't apply to the way I mothered him. By the time I was pregnant with Claire, I had recovered from a lot of these feelings, but like any good mother if you just barely scratched my surface, I oozed guilt and resentment for what I felt was my fault. The experience of bedrest changed me in so many ways. I realized how strong I was, how much I loved Michael and his soon to be sister, that any journey is easier if you allow God to join you on it, and realized that so much of overcoming life struggles is mental. If you put your mind to something and believe in it with all of your heart, you will have a great chance at conquering it.
Years removed from both of these situations and in many ways healed, I again open myself up to the journey. Many think I am crazy. "Why would you put yourself through this again?", I've heard. What some people don't understand is that I feel I was put me on this Earth to be a mother. Plain and simply- a mother. So if I have to lay in bed for two months to become a mother again, so be it. Poke me, prod me, do what you want. It is worth it. Two months of your life is nothing when you consider that these months provide you with a new little life in which you can cherish forever. When your life revolves around wiping tears from your child's cheek, holding their beautiful little hands, or watching them giggle with their sibling- not much else matters. So as I prepare for whatever my journey holds for me, I remember that whatever else I accomplish outside of the realm of being a mother- is icing on my already delicious cake.
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