Sitting on the Throne- for now.

A few Sundays ago, we went to mass on a beautiful day and I was feeling really good. I think at the time I was 34 weeks and we were headed into safer territory with Baby #4. As we reached the front of the church, the priest reached out and touched my belly and blessed him/her- then turned to Matthew and said, "Enjoy the throne right now. Because whether you know it or not you are about to be dethroned!" I laughed a little and gathered all of my kids and sat them together in a pew and enjoyed the liturgy. As I began some reflective prayer, I repeated over in my head what the priest had said to Matthew and got a little teary eyed. He wanted me to hold him in mass and I did just that. I looked at this pretty blue/green eyes, his long chubby fingers, I even caressed his soft cheek for a few minutes. Matthew- my baby. My sweet boy. Matthew has been attached to me since the moment he was born. I can honestly say he is a Mama's boy and he makes my heart so full and warm with love for him.

I am due to give birth any day now. In many ways I know what I am getting myself into. I know the beautiful chaos that will ensue once we bring this baby home. I realize my life will be flipped upside down for a while only to be flipped back over once I remember how to conduct life on little to no sleep. I have done this three times before and I can do this again. This I know. One thing that I have always had a hard time with is looking at my youngest child and feeling bad that another baby is coming into the family and is about to displace them as the one who might need the most attention. Logically I get that Matthew or any of my other babies will/would adjust to the change of having a new sibling- but something about getting so close to this change makes me so emotional. We have talked a lot about Baby Choo Choo. If you ask Matthew if he loves the baby he will say "Big Much"! If I ask him if he is going to hold the baby- he will hold out his chubby arms and then say, "Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh". I have prepared this little guy as much as I possibly can for the change that is going to happen and know that the only thing that is going to make it more real for him is to actually have the baby.

Last night, as I put Matthew to sleep (which at this point consists of me holding him on the couch and giving him a bottle) he kept looking at me, pretending to close his eyes, and then cracking a sweet smile behind the nipple of the bottle. I stroked his sweaty little head and examined every little part of his face. His mouth looked so small. His nose was so little and shiny. His ears barely poked out from the side of his head. He is my little baby. He's the littlest baby I currently have and I want to remember how small he seems because I know that with the birth of his soon to be sibling- he is going to seem so big next to the new little peanut. I have enjoyed watching Matthew grow over the past two years and four months. I think back to the hours I paced the floor in the middle of the night trying to get him to fall asleep. I think back to the many hours I spent breastfeeding him and cuddling him after he would nod off mid-feed. I know I have been there for him and have no regrets about my involvement in his life. He is my boy and I am his Mommy. This will never change.

A funny thing happens when you are about to give birth to a new life. You suddenly realize the change that is about to happen and want to take a mental snapshot of life before the new baby comes. When I gave birth to Claire- I cried in the hospital that night because it didn't feel good to be there with out Michael. When I gave birth to Matthew, I felt so bad when Michael and Claire left the hospital crying because they wanted to stay with Mom, Dad, and the new baby. Now I am preparing to deal with the same guilt I encountered with the three of them this time around. I have gifts wrapped for all of them hidden at home ("Big Brother/Big Sister Gifts" I call them). I have let them play with the new stroller, the change table, and the baby swing in the hope that they will feel at ease about the change that is coming. Yet no matter what I do to prepare them, only the birth of their sibling will make the change real.

I am so excited to meet this baby and I know that all of their lives will be richer by having another sibling. This baby is wonderful for us all. Will it rock the boat a little? Absolutely. However, I would have not taken this on if I didn't have full confidence that after a few days on rough seas- we will find peaceful waters and enjoy the ride. I am going to try and breathe in life with three kids as much as I can over the next few days/hours. And when I meet this new little one- I know it will feel right and I know that all of my children will be so lucky to have a new brother or a sister! Oh, a change is gonna come. But in the end- we will all be okay.