30 Weeks and Deep Thoughts

Are you getting bored of my posts yet where I sound like a broken record because I am reporting week by week that I am not on bedrest yet? Because I am going crazy around here!!! Since I got pregnant this time (and really even Claire and Matthew's pregnancies) I have always prepared for the worst because of what we went through with Michael. The shock and awe of what was happening was just too much to even absorb that Damien and I didn't know up from down for about three straight weeks after he was born. My little defense mechanism is to prepare for bad news so that I don't find myself hurling towards depression and utter shock when I receive news that just isn't as bad as I had thought. Now I know that even if I did get news that I had to go on bedrest or even have to birth this baby now- I would be disappointed but would most certainly battle my way through things because we are inching closer and closer to safety for this baby. My heart hurts less these days, I don't spend countless hours worrying over the littlest things, and I really feel like I am in a good mental place instead of the minor depression I used to find myself wandering in from time to time.

I can't explain to you why I feel so heavy for the vast majority of the pregnancy. I just think that no matter how much convincing anyone does to try and tell me that things are going to be okay- I can't stop from going to the bad place because I have been to some pretty bad places. Because this is my first time being pregnant while immersed in a school environment where all the moms know I am pregnant and a lot of people want to know how I am doing- I have found myself conflicted on how to describe my pregnancy to someone. For instance- in the beginning if they asked when I was due (which is July 7th but also is a complete joke because I will never make it there)- do I tell them I will deliver early or just go with the July 7th date to avoid questioning? Also, I am so used to talking about preterm labor, preemies, cervix issues that I sometimes don't realize that I can freak people out just by telling them my story. My pregnancies are complicated and so are the emotions that I endure and carry with me throughout the nine months. I cringe and worry so much until I reach the day Michael was born (25 weeks) in any of my pregnancies because to me- that signifies the very first day that I actually might be able to have the baby and have it survive. I know that it is a morbid thought but I spent so many days staring at my little 1.5 pound baby Michael praying for him to just hang on and give me a chance to be his Mommy. How can I ignore or even push aside these feelings? They are real. This really difficult experience did happen to me and unless you have been through it yourself- you wouldn't be able to understand why I have such a hard time just shaking off my worries and thinking everything will be okay. (Picture of Michael two weeks after birth.)


Once I hit 25 weeks, every day seems a bit brighter. I slowly become more optimistic and hope and pray to make it to my next mental milestone. Well- I am thrilled to say that I am 30 weeks and it feels amazing to be able to say that I am in the thirties! Oh, this baby in my tummy feels so healthy, so big, and I know that the hours I spend resting and the unselfish decisions I make not to push it or walk when I don't need to is helping this sweet baby have the best shot possible at a healthy birth and life. Amazingly- I was told this week that I was again healthy enough to stay on my feet and avoid bedrest. I am in shock. Yes, here comes that whole 'broken record' part I was talking about earlier. I can't believe it. I seriously can't believe I still have 3 cm of cervix and am walking. What a blessing, what a joy, and what a way to wrap up this long journey of pregnancy. I also took the Ffn test and thankfully- that came back negative, which means I should make it to 32 weeks without labor. Really, this is all great news. It just makes me emotional because after three long and extremely difficult pregnancies- I am finally catching a bit of a break. (Picture of me on bedrest in the hospital with Claire's pregnancy.)

My sister Gina sent me a song this week that reminded her of me and Damien and what we are going through and what we have been through. I clicked on it expecting to like it but didn't expect that within seconds of listening to the words- I would be bawling. I really feel like this is our last pregnancy. I have loved each and every pregnancy despite it's difficult nature but I also know that it has taken a toll on me. I have had to overcome so much, had to endure some very heavy things at a very young age and I feel like when I meet this new baby- I will put aside the very complex yet wonderful journey of growing my beautiful babies and instead focus on mothering them. In the song Gina sent me- some of the lyrics seemed to perfectly describe my most difficult experiences. (Picture of me on bedrest with Matthew.)

All of these lines across my face,

Tell you the story of who I am.
So many stories of where I've been,

And how I got to where I am.

But these stories don't mean anything,

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true...I was made for you.

See the smile that's on my mouth,

It's hiding the words that don't come out.

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed,

They don't know my head is a mess.

No, they don't know who I really am,

And they don't know what I've been through

Like you do. And I was made for you...

What this song means to me is that no matter how I describe what I have been through, no matter if you saw me go through it, no matter if you were extremely close to me or an observer from afar- no one had to go through what I went through but me. And while I don't wear all of the painful experiences on my face, they are in me somewhere. And when I am pregnant they sneak up and remind me of where I have been which makes it hard for me to shake off the negative and feel positive all the time. We all have our own journey through life and for some reason or another- I choose to believe that this long eight year journey of difficult pregnancies will only make me stronger in the end. I will be sad to say goodbye to pregnancy but will be happy to finally put away some of the more unpleasant memories I hold and instead focus on the positives. (Picture of Michael one week old.)

Wow. I just really babbled here but feel like I released some of the feelings I have had in my heart for the past few months. Perhaps I am peeling away the layers of protection I have been building up for the last seven months to expose the softer, less defensive and scared part of me so that I can welcome this new life into the world unafraid and with all of my heart.