One Month Down, A Lifetime To Go

I find it amusing that Matthew is already one month old. How did we get here? I am not really sure! Somewhere between feeds, diaper changes, rocking Matthew back and forth, trips to the grocery store, doctors appointments- all the while keeping the household up and running, we have made it. In the blur of a month, we find ourselves in love with our little guy and more comfortable and confident in what Matthew needs from us.

Within the month, we have all learned a lot. I learned that amnesia is not only related to pregnancy (pregnancy amnesia) but is also directly related to having a newborn. I forgot what dedication and patience it takes to walk a baby around at 3 in the morning while ignoring my burning eyes. I forgot how frustrating it is when your baby gets the hiccups in the middle of the night. I forgot how predictable it is that as soon as you change your baby's diaper, they poop in the new one. Yes, I forgot a lot of things, but my memory didn't fail me in remembering all of the wonderful things that come with having a newborn, too.

I think the biggest thrill to date is the way Matthew reminds me of Michael and Claire when they were newborn babies. Certain smells, gestures, or even the sound of Matthew's cries catapult me to the long newborn days with my other two. Before I had Matthew, I had a hard time remembering the newborn stage with Michael and Claire. But just as I assumed, it all came crashing back to me and there's not a day that goes by when I don't remember the way it was. Being that Matthew is Baby#3, I am so much wiser in many ways. I find that I don't sweat the small stuff. I am not overly concerned with his weight gain because I know that the newborn stage is gone in the blink of an eye. Instead, I enjoyed looking at his little skinny legs because by the next day, they are already chubbier. I enjoyed his month long hibernation; because I know he will soon be awake a lot of the day. When Claire was a baby, I worried a lot that she was sleeping too much during the first month. I laugh at my being so paranoid back then and am trying to stay more rational and calm about Matthew's sleep routine.

All in all, this was a great month. We survived the pregnancy, the birth, the NICU, jaundice, an infected umbilical cord, sibling jealousy (which there was very little of), getting used to very little sleep, eased into breastfeeding on-the-go, and now find ourselves a very happy and content family of 5. And while Claire is still convinced that Baby Emily (the name if Matthew were a girl) is still on her way, we are more than satisfied with how everything turned out in the end.

Here's to surviving another month with three children. I will continue to thank God for naptime, for coffee, for Tivo, and for blessing our family with Matthew.

Matthew Panoramic

The Day Matthew Joined Our Family

Matthew's Due Date

Matthew has been with us for what seems like forever- but today is the day that he was 'due' to enter this world. Back in May when I got pregnant, I looked ahead to February 24th (his due date) and dreamed about what it would be like to finally meet my little baby. Matthew's due date was also special because it was my Grandma's birthday. While I never imagined that I would have my Matthew in January, I am thankful for the 4 weeks we got to enjoy him outside the womb before he was 'fully baked'.

While life is carrying on and we are staying busy, I still find myself- at times, missing being pregnant. I know that sounds crazy because I was so ready to be done with it, but there are some quiet moments where I still can't believe it is over. For instance, I find myself taking really deep breaths so that the baby can get oxygen and remember he's not it there! I feel something move in my tummy and have to remind myself that it isn't the baby. While I don't miss being uncomfortable, having heartburn, and all the 'not so fun' things that come with pregnancy, there is something so special about having a new life grow inside your body. And when the life you grow leaves you for the outside world, there is that natural feeling of loss that I am sure all women face at one time or another. The wonderful trade-off is that before you really start feeling sad about not being pregnant, you get to hold your baby in your arms and suddenly, things are okay.

There is nothing like the way a new baby smells, the cute involuntary faces they make on a frequent basis, the way they grab your finger if you put it in their tiny palm, the way they stare at you for hours, the sweet sneezes and yawns, the grunts, the burps, or maybe the way they feel when they are nuzzled up in your arms that can bring you to your knees.

Having Matthew here is a wonderful end to a long and worrisome pregnancy. He was well worth the wait. So while February 24th was a date I fixated on for 8 months, January 30th is now a date that we will celebrate for the rest of our lives.

3 Weeks Old

Oh, how our lives have changed over the last 3 weeks. In all honesty, things are great. Yes, things are a little more complicated and it certainly takes me longer to get out of the house, but life with 3 kids is so much better than I could have ever imagined.

Matthew continues to be a really calm baby. He rarely cries and loves to sleep. He does great at night unless he gets the hiccups which then keeps us awake for a while. He loves to eat and is really starting to respond to our voices and moves his head and mouth to show us he is excited. He loves the bath, but doesn't like it if you let go of his hands. He continues to amaze his brother and sister and they both can't get enough of him! We still don't know what color his hair is. It is a combination of blond/brown/ and maybe red??? His eyes are still the deep 'baby blue' and his jaundice is finally going away! All in all, Matthew is doing great. We love him so much and can't believe the changes he has made over the past 3 weeks!

Learning About Mom

It's funny. For years I have wondered when my kids would become interested in who I am, where I have been, what I have done before I became their Mom. Up until now, they seem satisfied to know that I am their Mommy and I take them to school, make them dinner, read them books- basically do all the 'Mom Things'. But to my surprise, my kids have become unsatisfied with viewing me only by my role in the house and have been asking more about what I was before I became a Mom. And so my life story begins to seep into their lives. I have waited for this for a while.

Michael and Claire always want to know what I did as a child. More specifically, they want to know what I did to get in trouble. A favorite of theirs is when I was 6 and licked a cactus (which by the way- I DO NOT recommend to anyone). These 'funny' stories have colored their vision of 'Mom as a Kid' but now my children want to know what kind of a life I lived when I wasn't a child but wasn't a Mommy yet, either.

It is really neat to sit and have such a captive audience who is interested in my story. They hang on every sentence and I often catch Michael looking away from me and envisioning me as a teenager, an adolescent, a college student. One thing that they find fascinating is that I played basketball. I tell them stories of games in high school, stories of shooting around in my backyard with my Dad, stories of what it was like to win, and stories of how hard it was to lose.

Because both Damien and I graduated from Santa Clara University, they know a lot about the school and frequent the campus for alumni events or to visit our friends. So it was really special this past weekend to take them to a Women's Basketball game where the past Alumni would be honored. Having only given birth to Matthew 10 days previous, it was quite the decision on whether to go or not. Knowing that these 'teaching' experiences don't present themselves often, I decided to take them. They've been to basketball games before, but each time I take them, they are a little bit older and wiser. They thought it was really neat that their Mom wore a SCU uniform, played she basketball on that floor, and played games in this gym! They loved the game. Michael, who recently started playing on a basketball team, asked a lot of questions about the game and Claire kept saying, "Mom, girls can play basketball, too!" Yes, Claire they can.

During halftime, as they announced your name, you were to walk out to half court and acknowledge the fans. What was really special was that they invited your family to walk out with you. (Damien stayed home with Matthew.) So, as they announced my name, I walked hand in hand with Michael and Claire to half court. Claire seemed to be eating up the attention from the fans- while Michael on the other hand, kept tugging my hand and asking why everyone was staring at him. This was a really proud moment for me. For the first time, I was able to invite Michael and Claire into my experience of being a college athlete. While they didn't treat me any different after this, I know that they understood me just a little bit better.

Since the experience, my kids have asked me a lot more about basketball. Michael wants me to shoot hoops outside and teach him how to do 'tricky' dribbling. Claire, who had very little interest in basketball before the Alumni Game, joins me outside and asks me to help her to shoot.

All of us have something interesting to offer each other. It was my privilege to share my past as a basketball player with my children and it warms my heart to know that walking with me to half court, helped them understand Mom just a little bit better.

Valentine's Day!!

Valentines Day was a real day of love as we now have 3 little ones to share it with. The kids got some goodies in the morning and then they each had their own Valentine Party at their school. Michael handed out Scooby Doo valentines and Claire chose Disney Princesses.

Now that Matthew is here, I had to take a step back and not volunteer for the kid's parties. Instead, I caught the last 30 minutes of the party because I had to feed and get Matthew ready. When I went to Claire's party, she was mad that I was there. I think she thought I was raining on her parade. She started crying and told me she didn't want me there. Alrighty then. I picked up Matthew's car seat, wiped the sweat off my brow (literally) and told her I would go to Michael's classroom. He was thrilled to see me. He ran over and gave me a big hug and then continued to hand out his cards. A few minutes went by and I felt a tug on my pants and it was Claire. She came over to his classroom and wanted me to hold her. She gave me a few hugs and then went outside to play for a while! What a crazy girl. I think her independence got the best of her and she wanted to have her party all by herself, not with a Mom who would be asking her to pose for pictures and disrupt the euphoria of being a big girl. She is so funny, but in my heart- when she kicked me out, I knew she would come back to me. I need to give her some space to be independent and be confident that she will come back to me.

It was a great day and so wonderful to have Matthew with us. This was Damien and my 11th Valentines Day together and we both agreed, they have gotten better with age. And a new baby doesn't hurt either. After all, isn't all about love???

2 Weeks Old

It is really hard to remember what life was like without Matthew. I remember thinking my life was so complete with Michael and Claire. I was so blessed to have a boy and a girl . . . "the perfect little family" people would tell me. What was I thinking? How did I not know how what a blessing another child would be? This little guy has made our lives so much more colorful, more meaningful, more wonderful.

It has been amazing to see Claire as a big sister. The maternal instincts that come out of this little girl continue to amaze me. She holds him so well, knows what he needs, and isn't scared when he cries. The other night, I told Claire I was going to go upstairs to take a shower and that I was taking Matthew with me. I put Matthew in his seat and got half way through my shower before he started fussing. I thought, great- now I have to rush my shower and get out. But little did I know, Claire heard him fussing from downstairs and came upstairs and put his pacifier in his mouth. She stayed with him for the remainder of my shower and I was so relieved that she was so in tune with what he needed. She made my night as I was able to take a long hot shower instead of cutting it short.

Michael loves Matthew so much. He is very gentle and sensitive to what Matthew needs. Michael loves when I lay Matthew in bed with him in the morning before school. Normally, Michael is my 'non-morning' child. He hates waking up and as I walk in the door to greet him tells me, "Do not say Good Morning". But now that Matthew is here, Michael is Mr. Sunshine in the morning and wakes up without a problem- that is if I bring Matthew in there with me. He is really proud of his little brother and keeps telling me, "Mom- this is good" (in reference to having a new brother). I sense no jealousy from the kids- instead; they are overflowing with love and excitement for our new little baby.

At 2 weeks old, Matthew is still as sweet as can be. He is starting to eat more often and have some more awake time. We all love when he is awake because he has such big pretty eyes. It is still hard to tell what color his hair is, and his eyes are still that 'baby blue' so we don't know about eye color, either. Damien (who is a lefty) has been noticing that Matthew has been using his left a lot and is secretly pining for him to be a lefty like he is. This is far fetched as I am sure babies don't have a hand preference at this point, but you can't tell a guy not to dream. Matthew has also found his hands and when he gets fussy, is able to calm himself a little, or maybe just hold off on screaming for a second while I try and get to him. He is tracking movements and I love when we have a few minutes to just stare at each other.

I am sure that life will become a little more complicated as the days go on, but for the time being- life with three is nothing short of amazing. When we sit down for dinner, when the kids hold the baby, when Damien and I have time with Matthew after the kids are down for bed- life as I know it is perfect. To think that Matthew is already 2 weeks old- is odd. I have to make sure that I enjoy every minute with him because before I know it, he will be out of the newborn stage. So, excuse me if you will. I'm going to go hold and stare at my son.

Matthew's Journey

Here I am. Sitting on the couch with Matthew while Michael and Claire are at preschool. I can't help but sit and stare at my new son. His little mouth, his sweet little head, and his soft chubby cheeks. Can this be real? All the hard work, the bedrest, the medications, the hours and hours spent worrying . . . and here he is. Little Matthew. My boy.

(Remember, to view pictures, just click on them)

In my first blog entry entitled, "Open Yourself Up To The Journey", I wrote about how this pregnancy was going to test my faith, my patience, and my heart. I knew that the journey I would take to meet this new baby was going to be a long, difficult but meaningful experience. When I re-read it now, I can still churn up the feelings of anxiety and fear I had back then. I had no idea what to expect, how my life would be altered, and how I would get through it all, but I did. Matthew is here and I am so in love with him. This love is multiplied when Michael and Claire hold him, give him kisses, laugh at his little sneezes, sing to him, and just smile because they love him so much. Yes, the journey was long and sometimes hard, but the payoff is amazing. This little baby, who grew in my tummy, who makes us all so happy was well worth the wait. Here is the story of Matthew's journey into this great world.

On January 30th, I was supposed to get my cerclage removed at 7:30 a.m. at the local hospital. After a night of very little sleep due to nerves, I received at call at 5:30 a.m. telling me that there were no available rooms at the hospital and that my procedure would be pushed back. I felt deflated and hungry (I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink since 11:00 p.m. the night before). At about 11:00 a.m. I called my doctor and the nurse there told me that my surgery had been rescheduled for 12:00 p.m. So Damien and I made our way over to the hospital- a little giddy that we had finally made it to the cerclage removal day! However, our excitement was soon dampened when we were told that there were still no rooms and we probably wouldn't be able to get the procedure done. My doctor happened to be on the Labor and Delivery floor and reiterated the news to us. Before I knew it, I began to cry because I had finally had it! I had been looking forward to this day for a long time and to think that it would be delayed for 2 more days was more than I could bear. She suggested that we go to a neighboring hospital to get it removed (the same hospital where the cerclage was placed) so we agreed. Before I knew it, it was 2:30 p.m., I still had not eaten or had anything to drink, was growing increasingly cranky, and also a little nervous for the procedure.

Once I was admitted and checked into my room, things moved quite quickly. I was put on a monitor to see how the baby was doing, finally administered fluids via an IV, and prepped to go into the Operating Room to get the cerclage removed. At 3:10 p.m. I was wheeled into the OR and given a Spinal. I told the anesthesiologist that I didn't want much because when I had the cerclage put in and was given a spinal, it didn't wear off for 8 hours afterwards. Once I was strapped down and prepped for the surgery, Damien- decked out in the attractive OR garb, joined me at my side. My doctor did an exam before she removed the cerclage, and I was 3 to 4 cm dilated. She went to work and said there wasn't much of the stitch left but soon, after the stitch was broken apart, I was 7 cm dilated and the bag of water was bulging. She said to me, "Lisa, I can't let you go home." Confused I asked why- and she told me how dilated I was and that she was going to break my water and get the show on the road. I started to cry a little because the moment caught me off guard and I could not believe that in a few hours I was going to have a new baby!

After they broke my water, I was wheeled back into a labor room and put back on the monitors. Damien called everyone to let them know the baby was on the way and we were excited for the kids to join us at the hospital. For the past 3 days, my sister Jill, her husband Brian, and their son, Kyle had been staying with us. It just so happened that they were at our home with the kids that day and were able to reschedule their flight to stay for the birth of our baby! I was so numb from the spinal and a little worried on how the labor would go. But soon- very soon, the spinal wore off and I had full feeling. I was put on pitocin to increase the contractions and had to make a choice on whether to get an epidural or go naturally. I have always had this feeling like I've wanted to experience natural childbirth. It is one of the many things on my life's 'To Do List'. I asked my sister Jill, my sister-in-law Jocelyn, and Damien if they would be willing to support me if I went naturally, and they agreed. So off I went, trying to manage the pain and stay in control all the while containing the excitement to meet my new baby! I felt some pressure, so I asked the nurse to check me. She said that the baby still had a ways to drop and to keep doing what I was doing. What she didn't tell me was that I wasn't 7cm dilated; I was only 4-5. When I was 7 cm in the OR, the pressure of the bag of water on the cervix made me dilate to 7 cm. But once the bag was broken, the pressure on my cervix was released and I went backwards. I am glad they didn't tell me, because I am not so sure I would've agreed to go naturally knowing that I had a lot more work to do than I first thought.

The labor progressed beautifully, and just 3 hours after my water broke, I was fully dilated and ready to push. The pain was really something I have never experienced before, and I chose to deal with it by focusing on trying to move the baby down and not lose control mentally. I was pretty quiet throughout the whole labor and was ready to push when the time came. It took only 16 minutes for me to push out the baby and the whole room erupted in cheers when we found out it was a boy! They placed Matthew on my chest and between tears; I took deep breaths and rejoiced that the pregnancy was finally over and that I had a boy! Unfortunately, Matthew was having a hard time with his breathing. He was crying loudly and was pink, but his respiration rate was really fast. A normal baby breathes at a rate of 30-40 times a minute. When he was born, he was breathing 90-100 times a minute. He also had some fluid in his lungs. So they took him to the NICU and he spent the next 5 days there getting better. He was born at 8 lbs 5 oz which is really big for a 36 weeker. The fact that he was so big might have played a factor in him having a tough start. It was a long 5 days for our little family. A lot of trips to and from the hospital and it didn’t feel right to not have Matthew with us. But soon, those feelings passed and on February 3rd, we got to bring baby Matthew home!

Now that this is all behind us, we are loving life with Matthew. The kids are thrilled and can't get enough of him. Claire is constantly petting him and singing to him, while Michael loves his little ways and loves calling him 'Squirrley Guy'. He is a great sleeper (for the time being . . .) and we are all enjoying our new little family of 5.

The past 9 months were full of a lot of emotion, dedication, and sacrifice. When I look in the big eyes of my new son, those 9 months were SO worth it. At night, when Matthew and I snuggle into the couch together, I look around the room and let my mind go back a few months to when I was on bedrest. It is so special to hold him in my arms and know that together we successfully completed the bedrest. Matthew was that little guy in there who was kicking me all day and night; he was the one who kept me company on the couch when I was lonely. Together . . . we did it.

So as Matthew's journey into the world is over, he now begins his journey through life. I can't wait to see who this little boy becomes. One thing is for sure- he will always have a special place in my heart. I am not sure that I will ever be able to say that I have enough children. I love having babies and love being a mom. A lot of people wander through this complex world searching for meaning and trying to find out what they want to be and what they want to do. At the age of 31, I continue to rejoice in the fact that my job as a Mother is what I want to do and what I feel I was brought into this world to be. Yes, I will continue to focus on myself and make myself a priority, but at the end of the day, when I am tucking my two older kids in for bed or staring at the little faces Matthew makes while he is sleeping- I am reminded of my calling. I am exactly where I should be.

Welcome Matthew. We have been so eagerly waiting for you and praying for your safe arrival. I thank God so much for blessing me with you. We opened ourselves up the journey and because of that- we have you in our life. You are so beautiful, so strong, and so loved. Thank you for staying in Mommy's tummy and for being so brave in the NICU. I promise to hold you and make you feel loved for the rest of your life. Here is to your new journey . . . I can't wait to help you along the way. I love you Matthew.
Love, Mom

Poor Poor Claire

As if the excitement of bringing home a new baby and figuring out a new norm isn't hard enough, we had even more craziness this evening when my darling Clairey fell and split her forehead open. She and Michael were playing in this tunnel we've had for years and I was in the kitchen with Matthew when I heard Claire's head hit the floor and I just knew it was bad! Of course head wounds bleed like crazy and Claire and Michael (okay, I was too) were totally freaked out and we had a few moments of hysteria! We took her to the Emergency Room and she had to get 5 stitches. My poor little girl.

Since we have brought Matthew home, I feel as though the kids have really adjusted to the change quite nicely. They are great kids and really sense what we need and how to go with the flow. But I must admit, I feel conflicted because I am spending so much time with Matthew that I just hope that I am giving the other two what they need, too. It just takes a little more effort, though sometimes I am so tired I am not sure what I have left to give them. I think I am doing a good job of keeping their lives as normal as possible while helping them to share in the wonderful addition of their little brother. I know that with each day things will get better and we will find a new normal which will suit our little family well.

I was really shaken up with Claire getting hurt. Although I have a new little baby now, Claire will always be my baby. It would've been easier to just send Damien to the ER with her, but I knew that my little girl needed her Mommy. And just because I have a new baby, doesn't mean my older babies don't mean the world to me too. As they were stitching her up and I was singing Disney songs to her while holding her hands, I felt so fulfilled as her Mom. I made the right decision to go with her. Life has changed, but one thing remains the same . . . if I have to kill myself to be there for them when they need me the most, I will.

The pictures on the top are a before and after of Claire. She was so sad to have to go to the hospital, but somehow when it was over- a Frosty from Wendy's made it all better!

We Brought Him Home!

Just a quick update for everyone . . .
We took Matthew home this afternoon after a 5 day stay in the NICU and we are so excited. I will post more about it later, but wanted to spread the word to those of you who have been worried or concerned. Today is a good day.

More About Matthew . . .

Just an update to let everyone know how Matthew is doing . . .

We are thrilled that today, Matthew got his IV line taken out!!! It is so nice to see his little hands free and moving around, instead of connected to a multitude of wires. He is eating a lot more by bottle and I am expressing as much milk as I can to try and keep up with him! His breathing issues are completely resolved and he should be able to come home either tomorrow or Sunday. But as Damien and I know, we won't won't set our hearts on any particular day as things in the NICU can change quickly!

The other big news is that Michael and Claire got to meet Matthew today. Our nurse broke some rules and let us take him out of the NICU for a brief moment so they could hug and kiss him. They loved it!!! I think this is exactly what they needed- as they have been pretty confused about what is going on these days. Having a baby in the NICU and two toddlers at home proves to be pretty difficult. I have been able to spend a lot of time with Matthew and in between visits, find myself making time to play with Michael and Claire, pumping milk, and driving back and forth to the hospital for his feeds, which are every 3 hours. We are so anxious for Matthew to come home and have him all to ourselves! I am dreaming of sitting with him on the couch and staring at him for hours. I am sure a lot of this time will be in the middle of the night, but after our little rendezvous in the NICU, I am again reminded of how wonderful it is to have a beautiful and healthy baby.

I will post an update tomorrow when we have a better idea of the doctor's plans for Matthew.

He's Here!!!!

On January 30th at 7:21 p.m.

Matthew Benjamin Joined Our Family!

36 weeks, 3 days gestation

8 lbs. 5 ounces

20 inches long

Matthew is doing great! He had some minor complications after birth which forced him to go into the NICU, but he is making steady progress and doing so well.

He is still in the NICU but we hope that he will come home to us soon!

More to come soon, but until then . . . enjoy the picture of our new little boy!!

Cerclage Removal???

So the plan was that I was supposed to call Labor and Delivery at 6:30 a.m. to see if there were any available rooms for my 7:30 a.m. removal appointment. Apparently, a very eager (and very energetic nurse) called me at 5:30 a.m. letting me know that there were no rooms available and that I was the second person to be 'bumped' out of their appointment this morning. She said that I would receive a call once a room opened up. My doctor told me that I couldn't eat or drink anything 8 hours before my procedure, so I downed a bottle of water at 11 p.m. and tried to get some sleep. I slept horribly! So much was on my mind! For all you parents of toddlers out there, I am embarrassed to admit that I couldn't get the Wonder Pets theme song out of my head. Pathetic, I know. So after I lay in bed for hours wide awake, humming the annoying Wonder Pets theme song, finding Claire asleep on the toilet, and dealing with my big, pregnant, uncomfortable belly- I finally fell asleep.

I got another call at 7:30 a.m. basically restating what I already knew and that brings us to this very moment. I am exhausted from a night of no sleep, hungry and thirsty, but mostly anxious to get this removal over with and to see what follows! We aren't sure if we will receive a call soon or hours from now, but we will keep you posted.

36 Weeks with Kyle

No, I did not have the baby . . . but YES I have finally met my nephew, Kyle! I have waited a long time (he is now 3 months old) and I couldn't be more pleased with this little guy! My sister Jill, her husband Brian, and Kyle flew down yesterday to see us! It was Kyle's first flight and I am happy to say that they made it successfully and Kyle slept the whole way. What a guy! We picked them up from the airport and the minute I laid eyes on Kyle, my eyes filled with happy tears. I picked him up and gave him the biggest hug and enjoyed the moment- which I have waited a long time to have. The kids went crazy and were so excited to meet their cousin. Not only had we not met Kyle yet, but we hadn't seen Jill or Brian since August either. We are enjoying them so much and it is fun to hold Kyle while also feeling my own little baby kick in my tummy. Lord knows these two will get in a lot of trouble together in a few years! They will be here for a few more days and will be here when I get my cerclage removed and possibly go into labor (but I am not holding my breath about going into labor).

I had not anticipated it, but being around Kyle is a good trial run for both Michael and Claire. They are learning a lot about being around a baby. How to burp him, how to gag when we change his diaper, not to touch him when he is sleeping, and Claire learned that no- Kyle cannot have a carrot at dinnertime. I have been gently reminded of the 'work' I have ahead of me- especially when I got up at 2am to go to the bathroom and heard Jill walking Kyle around with the TV on. Yes folks, I have a lot of fun ahead of me!

I am now less than 48 hours away from getting the cerclage removed but also gaining the ability to move around and be mobile without any restrictions. So stay tuned, because who knows what will happen next. In the meantime, I am going to stare at Kyle for the next few days.

Removal Update

Just to update everyone, I went to the doctor this morning to see if I was more dilated and the good news is that I am the same (2-3 cm)! So the cerclage removal date will remain on Tuesday. My sister Jill, her husband, and her baby- Kyle come down to visit tomorrow for a few days, and I was hoping to keep the date for Tuesday so I could enjoy them (mostly stare at Kyle) before I have a new baby of my own. It really is a win-win situation to keep the Tuesday removal date because now the baby will have more time to mature and I will get a lot of time to visit with Jill and the gang.

So, that is it! When Tuesday rolls around, I will be so happy to have the stitches out, I will be happy to regain 100% mobility, and who knows, I might be smiling with a new baby in my arms. We'll see!

Changes, Changes, Changes

I was bracing for another appointment where nothing had changed and I expected to hear, "We'll see you in a week". However, this notion didn't last long and things definitely have changed! I was treated like a normal pregnant woman for the first time in 35 weeks and didn't have an ultrasound. Up to this point, we normally see the heartbeat- we don't hear it. So it was a real treat for the kids to hear the baby's heartbeat through the Doppler. Michael thought it sounded like a train and Claire just kept giggling. After hearing the heartbeat, the doctor measured my uterus and I measured at 38 weeks pregnant, even though I am only 35 1/2. In some ways it was comforting to know that this baby is big, but in another way, it made me feel happy that perhaps I am justified in feeling so uncomfortable and huge!

The doctor then examined me and we had quite a change from last Tuesday's appointment where I was a fingertip dilated. She discovered that I am now 2-3 centimeters dilated! It was kind of a shocker, especially when you consider that we thought the stitch was still holding! She was surprised too, and asked me to come back this Friday to see if anything has changed. I am scheduled to get the cerclage removed next Tuesday, but if I dilate more before Friday, she might move the cerclage removal up. The stitches are designed to be dissolvable and might just be giving way to the pressure and weight of the baby. But what we don't want to happen is to have the stitches damage the cervix by tearing it. So that is why we will be seen again on Friday and proceed from there.

All of this is really exciting, but I can't get over how real the actual birth of this baby is to me now. The clothes are washed, the house is as ready as it's going to be, and the kids are so excited- but I have to deal with the fact that this is really going to happen! Very soon I am going to meet my new son/daughter and life as I know it will never be the same. I remember going through this when I was pregnant with Claire. For so long, I focused on getting bigger and farther into the pregnancy when one day it hit me- 'Oh no! I have to push this big baby out!'. So I guess you could say the idea of birthing this baby has set in and I am trying to get a grip and just enjoy the rest of the ride- no matter how long or short it is!!!

I will post new changes as they happen and hope that I can hold out until Tuesday to get the cerclage removed. I have opened my heart to the fact that the baby may come any day now and am ready to celebrate its great arrival into this world- which will undoubtedly be filled with love and happiness.

35 Weeks

Today is a good day!! I have dreamed for weeks about being 35 weeks and here I am! It is a bit surreal, but for the most part, I just feel so incredibly relieved and full of life!

Today, my Mom and Laura flew back home. It was so nice having them here and my Mom really helped me get ready for the baby. Most everything is set and now we just have to wait to meet our new little one. While my mom and sister were here, we did a lot of really fun things with the kids. We went out to lunch a few times, saw Charlotte's Web, ran a lot of necessary errands and had a lot of together time at home. A highlight for me was when my mom took Laura, Michael, Claire, and me to tea. It was so nice and we all loved it! It was Michael and Laura's first time at tea, and both of them had a lot of fun eating the little sandwiches and desserts. (Picture above is Laura and Claire at tea.)

Back to the pregnancy . . . with Claire, I was released from the hospital at 35 weeks. No bedrest, no medication, nothing! Mentally, it is hard for me to justify still being on bedrest, but it is what my doctor ordered. She really wants me to take it easy until I get the cerclage removed. So I am going to keep up with the bedrest but not be so strict. I am no longer going to look at the clock and say, "Okay, I am starting my 3 hours of bedrest now", I am just going to take it easy and make sure I lay down when I can. I want to be able to regain some of my strength before my world gets turned upside down. One thing that I need to work on is sitting up. I know this sounds weird, but when you lay on your side for 18-20 hours a day, you lose a lot of strength in your back. Plus, I am not properly positioned on the couch, so it causes me a lot of pain when I sit up for an extended period of time. So, I hope to be able to sit up more and strengthen some of the weaker spots on my body!

I go to the doctor again on Tuesday, and will know more about how things are going in there. The baby is really active and seems to be doing really well. Now I really feel like any day could be the day when I go into labor. It is exciting and nerve-racking at the same time. We are ready at home for the baby and I am certainly ready to move on from the pregnancy and move forward to being a new mom. And for those of you that read of my prior postings, I finally did pack my bag for the hospital. Phew.

Prayer of Saint Gerard

When I was pregnant with Claire, Damien's grandmother gave me the prayer card of Saint Gerard. Saint Gerard is the Patron Saint and Protector of Expectant Mothers. I graciously accepted the card, but must be truthful when I tell you that I filed it away and forgot about it. While I was on bedrest, I prayed to God every day and tried to hand my worries over to Him- because at that time, my situation was just too much for my to handle. Then one day, when I was looking through a bag I had asked Damien to bring me in the hospital, I found St. Gerard's prayer card. After re-reading the prayer, I knew that this prayer was what I had needed during this difficult time. This prayer became a necessary part of my everyday routine and brought me such immense peace- that I have said it everyday in this pregnancy, too. I really wanted to share it with all of you because whether you are pregnant yourself or know someone who is- this prayer is so comforting and healing.

Prayer of Saint Gerard

Oh, great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ,
Perfect imitator of thy meek and humble savior,
And devoted child to the mother of God.

Enkindle within my heart,

One spark of that heavenly fire of charity,
Which glowed in thine and made thee a seraph of love.

Oh, glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime-
Thou didst bear, like thy Divine Master,

Without murmur or complaint.
The calumnies of wicked men.

Thou has been raised up by God
as the Patron and Protector of Expectant Mothers.

Preserve me from danger
And from the excessive pain which accompanies childbirth,
And shield the child which I now carry,
That it may see the light of day
And receive the lustral waters of baptism.
Through Jesus Christ the Lord, Amen.

What's Up Doc?

I went to the doctor for a check-up this afternoon to see how the baby was doing. I am happy to report, that everything looks the same and we were told to keep doing what we have been doing. So it looks like I have a few more weeks of couch-time and more waiting to do (which really isn't a bad thing). She took measurements of the baby today and we found out that at 34 1/2 weeks, the baby supposedly weighs 6 pounds. So as I continue to grow my chubby baby, I will also relish in the fact that the most bedrest I have left in this pregnancy is 2 weeks- when my cerclage will be taken out. She noted that the baby was really low and told me that at the cerclage removal, I will have a 50% chance at having the baby that day. It is really sinking in that soon, we are going to have another little Swendsen around here and life will never be the same.

My mom, Laura, Michael, and Claire came with me to my appointment today. We waited 2 hours in the waiting room to be called back and you can only imagine the scene we created out there. For one, my appointment fell right during naptime and we were all tired. But it all paid off when we finally got the ultrasound and saw that things were going according to plan. The neatest part of the appointment was being with Laura when she saw her first ultrasound. Laura was actually at the foot of my hospital bed when I delivered Claire, so it was nice to be able to share this experience with her, too. She thought it was so great and was thrilled to see the baby's ears. She swears that I am carrying a girl with brown hair- so we will see if she is right!

While my Mom and Laura have been visiting, we have taken out a lot of Michael and Claire's baby clothes to wash, sort, and choose which ones make 'the cut' and which ones go to Goodwill. After I had both of the kids, I kept EVERY morsel of clothing they wore. Now I am wiser and when they grow out of things, I only keep the articles which are in good condition or hold some form of emotional value. Plus, from a storage perspective, if you don't weed through and get rid of some things, you use half of your garage storing the clothes!

On an unrelated note, my doctor and nurse told me weeks ago (at week 31 to be exact) that I needed to pack my bag for the hospital. Of course I have resisted doing this and am procrastinating so bad! I am not sure why I can't bring myself to do it! Maybe it is that I feel that once I pack the bag, the baby will come. It could also be that due to bedrest, the last thing I want to do when I can actually get up and move is pack a bag! It is probably a combination of the two, but either way, I need to get myself motivated and just do it already! I am hoping that by writing it here, I will hold myself accountable. I will let you know if it worked or not.

So while we didn't learn anything new at the appointment, at least we are talking about the END of the pregnancy. Finding out you're pregnant is so thrilling. Feeling the baby kick and move for the first time is indescribable. Starting to show and finally being able to wear maternity clothes is such an accomplishment. But being so big that you can't get comfortable, have a hard time sleeping, wearing the same maternity clothes over and over, and growing to a point where you don't know if the poor stretched skin on your tummy can take anymore is less desirable (hence the picture of Claire rubbing my belly with lotion). I have enjoyed so much of this pregnancy, but I am ready to have the baby and enjoy watching someone else go through it. 2 more weeks and I either gain a new baby or the freedom to move again. Sounds good to me!

Life On Wheels

It is hard to know what life would be like if you had special needs. Having a sister with Down Syndrome has exposed to me to world of sensitivity and understanding. Since Laura was born (I was 9 years old) my life has been closely interwoven with those with needs more special than my own. Through her schooling, we were able to meet wonderful children, many who were born with life altering conditions or disabilities. Sure, some of these kids were born with many challenges, but the one thing they didn't lack was the ability to smile. This is what always hurt my heart. Here were these children, many unaware of their own shortcomings- yet despite it all, they were always smiling. Being sensitive to those less fortunate made it hard for me to see people who were full functioning look at life so sourly. So many people get stressed out about trivial things- taking for granted the basic ability to exist without physical assistance or not having to continually tackle mental challenges. I know that it is hard for people (including myself) to remain grounded with how fortunate we are, but being around those with special needs quickly reminds you that whatever is stressing you out- probably isn't that big of a deal.

All of this rang true again, when the doctors finally talked to us about taking Michael home from the hospital. I was so relieved! I had planned his homecoming and his first few months in my mind and was ready to get rid of hospitals and the stress that came with it. Then my plans were dramatically altered when a nurse came over to me and told me that 'Special Services' would be contacting me shortly to arrange Michael's at-home therapy sessions. Therapy? No one told me about therapy! Unbeknownst to me, we had a long road of recovery ahead. After Michael came home, a barrage of therapists followed. Physical therapists, occupational therapists, and speech therapists followed him each week for almost 3 years. Ironically, I found myself in the same place as I did when Laura was born, surrounded by children with special needs- one of them, my son. Although Michael's condition thankfully turned out to be temporary and correctable, there were many scary months where we weren't sure of Michael's ability to reach the therapist's long term goals. But as God brought him to safety when he was a tiny tiny baby, he again embraced him and guided Michael down the path to being a fully recovered three year old boy.

I happen to consider myself someone who is very aware of the people around me. I have been exposed to many things that have helped me to become extra sensitive to those in need and my heart goes out to those who have such a difficult road to journey down. So, you can imagine when I started using my wheelchair during this pregnancy (at about 20 weeks), I expected people to show a certain sensitivity to me. A lot of people were really nice and held open doors so I could wheel through them. However, I have been surprised at the lack of sensitivity by so many others who are just not aware of their surroundings. People see me wheeling toward them and have to make a choice to either move or make me wheel out of the way. More times than not, I have had to move. When I was shopping with my Mom at Macy's, the cashier actually had the nerve to say, "What is Wrong with You?" I wish that I had a good comeback, but I was actually so surprised she asked me that question that I was speechless. I guess my point is that during this temporary time of being physically challenged, my eyes have opened much wider to those who live life from their wheelchair each and every day. Just a few of the downsides are that many store aisles are so narrow that you can barely fit through them without knocking things off the shelf, it is also really difficult to see and use the debit machine when paying at a store, forget about grabbing things on high shelves, and it is really inconvenient when stores or sidewalks don't have adequate wheelchair ramps.

I have learned so much during this pregnancy, but as I near the end and become a little more introspective, I hope to use the many additional lessons I learned in my wheelchair to further enhance my sensitivity to those around me. There have been days of my life where I have been a successful and active college athlete and other days where my activity has been reduced to laying in a bed 24/7. I think the most difficult part of life is taking the greater amount of all of your experiences and finding the one common thread that has gotten you through them all. I know that my thread of hope has been deeply rooted in my faith in God and the trust I have in Him that everything will be alright in the end. My hope for people is that we can all respect the limitations of those around us and remember to be loving, helpful, and perspective people in society. Actions speak louder than words. So the next time you are out and about and see someone who could use some help, do so. Hopefully your good deed will start a chain reaction in the hearts of those around you.