Got my shot of progesterone, saw that the baby had a great heartbeat, watched the ultrasound as my doctor tried to avoid showing me the sex of the baby, and got more good news that nothing has changed. We also talked about scheduling the cerclage removal between week 36/37. That is right at the end of January and really not that far away! I am thrilled that I am still only on modified bedrest. It is such great news! She let me know that I will most probably not see any full bedrest with this pregnancy which is surreal! In fact, it is so surreal that I can't even really grab hold of what is going on these days.
Because of my bedrest, each day seems to blend into the next and my perception of reality becomes a bit distorted- leaving me in an odd emotional limbo. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with how things are going, it is just difficult to deal with such intense emotions for such a long period of time. I have been bracing for the worst since I got the cerclage put in at 13 weeks. I always prepared for news that I didn't want to hear. I haven't heard any bad news, yet I still find myself getting worked up over the little things. In the past 7 months I have continually worried before appointments or just obsessed about things taking a wrong turn. Because of the worrying, I now have a hard time accepting or truly believing any good news. Since day one of the pregnancy, my doctor and nurses warned me to protect my heart. So with each week, I have taken all the good news with a grain of salt- never truly feeling 100% comfortable that everything was okay. I am now trying to transition my thinking, relax, and find my peace before this baby comes.
Today's appointment was great. I never in a million years thought I would be at this point of the pregnancy with so few complications. They estimate that the baby is now 5 1/2 pounds and my uterus measures at 36 weeks (even though I am only 33 1/2 weeks along). All of this is awesome and I do feel really good when I am there with the doctor. Yet every time I come home from these appointments, I skate around on the adrenaline for a while and then find myself feeling defeated. I think about how much farther I have to go and feel overwhelmed. I really need to work on focusing on the positive and believing that things really are alright and that it is okay to let my heart feel happy and not be so protective. I have learned over the past 3 pregnancies that this type of healing has to come from within me. I appreciate people telling me how great it is that I am 33 weeks and how wonderful everything is, but ultimately, it is me who has to work on shedding my fears and becoming a more confident, strong and more healed person. Lately, I have been finding a lot of happiness when it is quiet and I feel my baby move. His/her movements are so much stronger now and when I am feeling down and feel an arm or a leg drag across my entire tummy, I think of it as the baby letting me know that he/she is okay.
What have I learned from my previous pregnancies? That no matter how difficult the situation, no matter how bad things get- THIS TOO SHALL PASS. After Michael was born, after spending 3 dreadful months in Paris, and after we landed on American soil- we felt like the whole terrible ordeal was just a dream. After 73 days on bedrest in the hospital and after giving birth to Claire, my difficult memories of bedrest were gone. I will try and use these experiences to help me remember that once this baby is born, these long hard-fought days will fade into a distant memory. And that, my friends, is when all of this will have been worth it.
2 comments:
started crying. thanks a lot lis, thanks a lot. love you! CONGRATULATIONS.
Yipppeee! So glad things are going well!
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