25 Weeks = Deep Breath

Today is a great day for me. The sun is shining, my sister Natalie is here, and I am 25 weeks in this pregnancy! I am so happy and so relieved and just so content. This is always my first huge goal. 25 weeks into Michael's pregnancy- I gave birth to Michael. Despite every effort and a week of total bedrest, we couldn't stop the labor and this ultimately led to his birth. When I reach this point in the pregnancy- I always think of Michael and I remember laying in bed shortly after giving birth to him and wishing I could have done more. Today I have that opportunity!

I went to the doctor today and got great news that my cervix is still 3.6 cm long. There has been little change over the last three weeks and at this point- every week I can pass without bedrest is a true gift!!! The baby measured 1 lb. 14 oz (Michael was 1 lb. 9 oz) and looked very healthy. Of course, it was hiding it's face and wrapped around the placenta- but it still looked cute. Natalie was able to be at the ultrasound with Damien, Matthew, and myself and we all enjoyed getting a glimpse of the baby. The only negative thing at the appointment was that I found out I failed my glucose screen (a test for gestational diabetes) last week and next Thursday, I have to go to the doctor's office for four straight hours for the bigger glucose screen. Really? Of course I had to fail this test! I have passed it in each of my other three pregnancies but had to fail it this time! I had to laugh it off. There is a first time for everything, right?

Last night as I lay with Michael before bed- I explained to him that in just eight short hours, I would've given birth to him in his pregnancy. He understands that the baby in my tummy is small and he doesn't want it to go through what he had to. He then paused and said to me, "Mom, I am sorry if it was my fault." I immediately got choked up and gave him a big hug and told him, "Michael- it wasn't your fault and it wasn't Mommy's fault either. It was just the way you were supposed to come into this world." He thought about it for a second and asked me, "Do you think God planned it this way because He knew I was strong enough?" "Yes, Michael", I whispered. "God knew you were a strong strong boy". The exchange we shared was so touching and so gut wrenchingly difficult for me. I hope he never wasted a second wondering if what happened to him- to us, was his fault. I was so happy we had such a great talk last night. I am glad that he was able to tell me how he felt about his miraculous 'birth day' and voice his concern about being at fault. After he thought about what we had just talked about, he told me he hopes the baby can stay in there for a long time so that he/she doesn't need to get shots like he did when he was a baby. I couldn't agree more.

Today in the ultrasound, I really looked at the baby. The arms, the legs, the sweet head and chest and knew just what he/she would look like on the outside. Perfectly formed and beautiful- but just really small. I speak for the few people who got to see Michael within the first few weeks of his birth when I say that seeing a baby so small and precious is breathtaking. It is so beautiful, so miraculous- but at the same time it is sad to see a baby who didn't get the chance to swim around and grow uninterrupted inside the safety of their Mommy's belly. This regret I have, the sorrow I felt for not being able to keep Michael in my tummy for just one more day or even one more hour- propels me to take it easy and give this baby a fighting chance.

Today is a wonderful day. I will try to not take for granted the seemingly unimportant days that will pass from here on out in this pregnancy. These days are days that would've taken away some of the pain and suffering that Michael had to endure. These are days that I would've seriously sacrificed anything for to have given Michael another day safe and warm in my body. Each day is an opportunity for this baby, for Michael's new little brother or sister, to grow into a bigger, healthier baby and how powerful it feels to be able to make a difference in this little one's life already. Happy 25 weeks baby!