Ms. A

At Claire's school- they learn the phonetic alphabet by using Letter People. Each Monday for the first three-quarters of the year, she has brought home a book detailing the Letter Person that they met that day. Sometimes it has been Mr. K with his Kaboom Kick and other times we have seen Ms. D who is a dazzling dancer. All the letter people have really cute descriptions and actions. I am really familiar with this whole process as Michael did all of this last year so I know what is coming in advance.

This week, Claire's class had Letter Person day. They didn't have to wear their uniform if they came to school dressed as a Letter Person. Last year, Michael took a pretty obvious route and went to school as Mr. K with his Kaboom Kick. He wore his soccer uniform and it was really a no brainer. Claire, on the other hand, said since day one that she wanted to go to school as Ms. A Achoo. Hmmmm, okay. I asked her more descriptive questions about Ms. A and Claire told me that this girl just sneezes. I tried to convince her to pick a more colorful Letter Person where we could get creative with her costume, but she was not interested. She was so dead set on being Ms. A. that she told me her creative ideas on how to be Ms. A. "Okay Mom. I want to have a red letter A with yellow 'achoos' on it and then I want to take pieces of kleenex and tape them all over my shirt. Then I want to hold a package of kleenex in my hand." I tried as best I could to help Claire with her vision and she was as confident as ever to go to school as Ms. A today. I love that she had her own ideas of how we would carry out her assignment and although I am completely partial to my daughter- I think she looked pretty darn cute, too!

32 Weeks

Well, well, well. Here we are again! I am so happy to be 32 weeks. Such a relief to get to the place where all the doctors want me to be. Now, I am not ready to be done with this pregnancy and have my baby this early, but it sure gives me some peace of mind to know that I am now in a 'safe place' if this baby decides to join us earlier than planned! I went into this week's appointment expecting nothing but ready for anything. I have felt pretty good over the past week so I was hopeful that there wasn't too much of a change. Upon examination- she determined that there was a real change in my cervix. It is now very soft and she was able to touch the baby's head! And let me tell you- when she touched the baby's head- he/she jumped! She said the stitches are still holding and luckily there is not a lot of pressure on them (which is good) but it was a pretty significant change nonetheless. When she did the ultrasound- she found that my cervix still had a great length (3.1 cm) so that ultimately kept me off bedrest for another week. Although I dodged the 'bedrest bullet'- she did tell me that I needed to take it easy. I still lay down for a good four hours a day- but I need to scale back some of the more unnecessary things I do throughout the day. Because of the change in my cervix- she opted to give the baby betamethasone which is a steroid via an injection in me that goes right to the baby's lungs and gives them a boost in order to help him/her when he/she is born. I have gotten them with every pregnancy so far and thought I might avoid getting this time- but no. I will have to go back tomorrow to get the second shot of steroids to make sure the baby is covered. You have two get two shots 24 hours apart for them to be fully effective. I also took the Ffn test and much my relief- it came back negative. Which means that I shouldn't go into labor until at least 34 weeks. The last bit of great news was that I was able to schedule the cerclage removal. She scheduled it for June 12th which means that one month from today- I will regain my freedom and/or meet my baby! I can't believe we are in the final stretch!

I really couldn't ask for more these days. I still have my moments where I worry a little bit- but I am gaining confidence in myself and this pregnancy that after all we have been through, we are going to be okay. I have to give my kids so much credit for rising to the occasion since October. Since I found out I was pregnant, since I got the cerclage in December, and since my life has changed so much physically- they just keep on going and adjusting. They've been adaptable, they've adjusted to this new life, and have understood at times the sheer fragility of my situation. Matthew has adjusted to me not picking him up for the last eight months, Claire knows that every afternoon I have to lay down and she is kind of on her own, and Michael has given me some much needed inspiration and support. Life is good and when times are tough- it generally just makes you stronger in the long run. I thank God for all of the blessings I have been given and pray that the next month holds much safety and promise for our soon to be family of six.

My Mother's Day

"To the world you may be one person. But to one person, you might just be the world."

I love this quote! We went to Mass on Mother's Day morning and after church- the St. Chris Mom's Group handed out gerbera daisies to all the mothers with this quote attached. It really set the day off in the right direction for me. Because I still cannot travel- we were set to spend Mother's Day in and around our home. Because Damien and I come from such big families- it is strange to think of a holiday where there aren't people everywhere and noise galore. We tried to put it in perspective and enjoy a great day with our little family and really put the focus on our own togetherness.

I was greeted first thing in the morning by my three beautiful and eager children who had all made me handmade cards. I love their little messages and especially love the drawings of me and them. I love that because I once told Michael that my favorite flavor of Skittles was orange that little orange Skittles are drawn on every card he makes for me. Even if he draws a picture of me at school- inevitably there is a orange Skittle snuck in there somewhere! After we read the cards- we rolled out of bed and opened a few thoughtful gifts from Damien and the kiddos. Damien had brought the kids to Target earlier in the week and gave them a price limit and told them all to pick out something that Mom would really want. It was hilarious to see what they got me. Michael knows I love ice cream but he also loves it himself. He loves when I make any kind of goodie for him so it was so fitting for him to have picked out an ice cream maker. How cool is that? Claire took the more feminine and practical approach and got me two beautiful maternity shirts that are so cute and colorful! Damien said she picked them out all by herself and she even got the right size! She said to him that it must be hard for me to keep growing out my clothes so she wanted to get me something I could use now. I loved them! Matthew was drawn to the kitchen department, too and picked out a mini muffin pan that we can make some yummy little brownie cupcakes in! The funniest part of the whole shopping adventure was when they were at checkout. Apparently Damien told them to pick out a candy that Mommy would really love. The hilarious part of this is that they all picked out their own favorite candy! Maybe because picked those out because they were hoping I would just give it back to them after they gave it to me or maybe they were just hungry at the time. Either way I thought is was so funny! Michael got me a Hershey's plain chocolate bar, Claire got me a package of Skittles, and Matthew got me a Baby Bottle Pop. Of course upon receiving my extremely personal candy gifts- I gave them right back to them saying, 'Thank you, but I would love for you guys to have them!" They acted surprised (yeah right) and it was a classic moment. What a kick!

After Mass we went out to breakfast at a great little dive by Santa Clara University where Damien and I used to go when we dated back in college. The kids thought it was really cool and were shocked to see a picture of both Damien and myself on the wall taken our senior year. Claire couldn't believe it and whispered to me, 'No offense Mom. But you and Dad look better now!" No offense taken Clairey! We then returned home where all five members of our family took a nap (how about that!) and then we sat outside in the beautiful sunshine and just enjoyed watching our kids splash around in the water and have fun together. Later that night, Damien wanted to take me out for dinner and I couldn't figure out where to go. I certainly don't have the food cravings I've had with my other pregnancies (desserts are a whole other thing, though) so I asked Claire and Michael what they felt like eating for dinner. Michael said he wanted pizza and Claire wanted a Caesar salad. There is a great restaurant down the street that could fulfill both of their requests so we headed over there and had a beautiful dinner. During prayer, all three of the kids said the most beautiful things about me that it brought tears to my eyes. They are all so special to me in their own special way and I was so happy to be able to reflect on the many blessings that come with being a Mother.

I was touched by all of the many special treasures I received on Mother's Day from the kids and from Damien. I was inspired to further push forward with my pregnancy and was given strength to persevere through whatever lies ahead. I was reminded of the many blessings God has bestowed upon me. I was so thankful that my lifelong wish to become a Mother has happened not once but four times. Happy Mother's Day to all of the Amazing Mothers in my life and in the lives of the ones I love.

Mommy, Baby, and Claire

My kids love to draw. I have a large plastic Folgers coffee container that over the years I have loaded with crayons. I did away with the flimsy cardboard boxes crayons come in- and instead used this container as the 'keeper of all crayons'. I swear- I take that thing down at least once a day to give to one of the kids so that they can draw. I also have a giant package of construction paper in one of my kitchen drawers where they can easily get to it and voila- they can draw without my help! Claire is probably my most frequent drawer and draws us such beautiful pictures and also makes lists galore! The other day she taped this picture to my bedroom door and I just love it. I think it is so cute when they draw a picture of me pregnant. I love the different ways they draw 'the belly' or the baby and I thought this picture was a cute interpretation of that. Michael and Claire are really into drawing things more in scale these days. There is always a discrepancy in our heights and careful attention to people's hair/eye color. Claire was very proud of her picture and I love it very much. Soon, this picture will be a thing of the past as she will soon draw a picture of her little brother or little sister on the outside of my belly!

Michael's Mother's Day Tea Party

I have been looking forward to Michael's Tea Party for a few weeks now. He brought home the most adorable invitation and has been counting down the days until I would join him in his classroom! The teacher had it all organized and had asked the Dads to bring some of the necessary supplies to make this morning great for the kids and the Moms- and boy was it special. All the Moms waited outside the classroom together anxious to see their kids and have a wonderful morning together. Sure enough, our sweet kids came out to get us and led us into the classroom hand in hand for the big celebration!

For three staight years, I went to Michael and Claire's preschool for a parent's tea. It was a fun celebration but it was always for both parents (which was great) but I was looking forward to having all of Michael's attention today. Once in the classroom, Michael led me back to his desk where he had some handmade goodies for me. He had painted a flower pot for me with the intention that we could plant some flowers together and also made me a pretty flower out of a coffee filter and a straw. He also wrote me a nice note on why he loves me. I always love it when he gets to write about what he loves and have to laugh at how cute and touching his answers always are.

We had a wonderful morning together and I thoroughly enjoyed the forty minutes we had to just talk to one another. We went through the breakfast line together and he dished me up what he thought I would like. He got me an old fashioned doughnut, some strawberries and pineapple, and a cup of coffee. He got himself a chocolate doughnut, some strawberries, and some orange juice before he went back about fifteen minutes later to get himself another chocolate doughnut (no surprise here!). There was no official program to the morning in the classroom. It was just a chance to have some great one-on-one time with your child. Michael and I had the best conversations and really got a chance to connect without being interrupted. He told me a lot about his school, we talked a lot about past memories, and we also talked a lot about his soon-to-be new sibling. It was just wonderful. Just what I needed. I am sure he needed it, too. Sometimes things can get pretty crazy in our house. There is generally a lot of commotion and not a lot of time to just sit and chat for hours! I am so thankful I had this beautiful morning to talk with my son and enjoy what it is that makes him so special. I am looking forward to Mother's Day even more now- hopeful that I might get some alone time with each of the kids to just connect and have a lot of fun!

Happy Shot

I love to take pictures of my kids. Every once in a while- I'll take a picture of them that captures something so much sweeter or tender than I originally intended. This picture is one of them. We went to visit Damien at work after I picked Claire up from school. Most days, Damien works from home but every once in a while he goes into his office and today- Claire wanted to visit him. We got to check out his office and draw on his white board (always a hit with the kids) and then we walked, or rather wheeled over to Chipotle for lunch. While Damien was ordering- I snapped a random shot of Matthew and Claire and I came up with this. I love it. So sweet, so happy.

31 Weeks

Great news again from the 'What the heck is happening here?' news front. Still in shock and yes, still not on bedrest. I am throwing my hands up and saying thank you to God for this amazing news. I am getting used to this 'good news' stuff! It feels good!! My exam was great again this week and my cervix measured anywhere from 3.5 cm at the longest possible point to 2.7 cm at the shortest possible point. That top stitch is holding the whole thing together. The baby's head is just sitting on it but it continues to hold. My doctor told me that when she did the cerclage surgery back at thirteen weeks, she was really aggressive with the placement of the stitch. After placing what she considered a good stitch with Matthew's pregnancy and after my body basically laughed at it and said, 'That's all you got?' she knew that this time she would have get a better, deeper placement of the cerclage. Well, it is working and I am so pleased!

Next week, we will schedule the cerclage for 36 weeks and also repeat the Ffn test to see if labor is imminent. I will also take the Group B Strep culture and my weekly dose of progesterone. My doctor let me know that I will only get ultrasounds for the next few appointments and then we won't need to do them anymore. She will just do a digital check of the cervix (with her hand) to see if things are holding. I can't believe that I am getting so close to the end of this pregnancy. It has been emotionally exhausting but so rewarding. How fitting that my last pregnancy has blessed me so much with good health and luck! I just hope the trend continues.

And The Baby Names Are . . .

We don't keep many things secret during our pregnancies. I will tell you anything you want to know- except the sex of the baby. Because we don't know (and never have with other three pregnancies) we always have two names for the baby. One boy name and one girl name. We usually have had these figured out by about week twenty so that if the baby did come early- they would have a name. We are definitely not that 'name your baby in the hospital kind of family' (although there is nothing wrong with that). Damien and I have a pretty standard way of naming our kids. First of all, we like to stick to pretty traditional names. Secondly, all the kids names are saint names. Our naming process goes a little something like this.

With Michael pregnancy- the possible baby names were Michael or Claire. We had Michael so we saved the name Claire for our next pregnancy. We decided then that for as long as we were going to have kids- we would trickle the unused name down for the next pregnancy.

With Claire's pregnancy- the names were Claire or Matthew. Obviously we had Claire so we trickled the name Matthew down for the next pregnancy.

With Matthew's pregnancy- the baby names were Matthew or Emily. Matthew joined us so we moved Emily down to the next pregnancy.

Our trend seems to be that we always have the sex of the baby associated with the left over name. I hope you are following me. So- if that were true (albeit a little silly and another one of those wives tales)- Emily would join us next. However, little Daniel might break the cycle and surprise us all! You just never know!!! So there you have it- the names for this next little baby are Daniel or Emily. Who will it be? We might just find out in five short weeks!!!

** These little sippy cups were part of a shower gift given to me by my sister-in-law Heavenly. I loved them and thought it was such a cute idea. The funny part is that I have found Claire drinking out of the Emily cup several times. She also asked me if she could have the Emily cup if Daniel is born. Matthew is unbiased and likes them both and Michael hasn't shown any interest in them and is open to having a new brother or sister!

Showering Baby #4

Today was a beautiful day. I awoke with a feeling of excitement and happiness as I knew that so many people were getting ready to honor Baby#4. We started the morning off with Mass which was a great way to reflect on the true significance and importance of getting this far in the pregnancy without a hiccup. God is Good! When Damien's sisters approached me a few months ago and told me they wanted to throw a shower for me, I laughed under my breath and told them that typically- people don't have a shower for their fourth baby. They would hear nothing of the sort and began making a plan that very day. I was really touched that they cared so much about me and our soon to be new addition!

We decided to have the shower in May and when we planned it- I wasn't sure what kind of shape I was going to be in. Lucky for me, I am not on bedrest and was able to walk myself into the shower and enjoy! Claire was really excited for the shower, which made it that much more enjoyable for me. She had picked out her outfit well in advance and felt special that only girls were going to be there. Did I mention she was looking forward to showing off her newly painted nails? Damien was going to bring the boys at the end of the shower so Michael's feelings weren't hurt.

The shower was held at the Fairmont Hotel and was absolutely beautiful. Special care was taken to make sure that this shower was very personal and filled with love. Each little detail showed me how much my sister-in-laws and Mother-in-law care about me and I was truly touched. I was surrounded by wonderful family and supportive and encouraging friends who lifted me up and made me feel so blessed. I received such nice gifts that will really help out when this baby joins us. During the shower, so many people stood up and toasted to me and my devotion to motherhood and I cannot thank them enough for letting me know how much I mean to them.

We had a lot of fun at the shower and I really enjoyed catching up with so many of my guests and just relaxing together. There were a couple of great games that we played and I had to laugh at how intensely Claire got into them! If you look closely in this picture, Claire managed to steal six pins and clipped them on her dress after catching people saying the word, 'Baby'. In the end she won a Victoria's Secret gift card which is kind of inappropriate but hilarious all the same. The shower was wonderful. We carted all of the new baby items home and I had Damien put them all in our front room so I could figure out what to do with them. It has really hit home that I am going to have another baby in this house soon. I still am not sure where I am going to fit all of his/her stuff- but we'll figure it out later! Thanks to all who helped shower me and the baby today. I will never forget all of the love I felt coming my way!

Spa Day

In anticipation for our baby shower tomorrow, Claire and I went to the spa! It was a special day for both of us and she was so excited. I was looking forward to spending some quality time with her but also looking forward to getting pampered. I made an appointment for a manicure/pedicure for me and an appointment to get Claire's toes painted. She was so thrilled to join me on such a 'big girl' activity. From the moment we walked into InSpa, Claire was glowing and smiling so widely. They called us back and we spent some time picking out nail polish colors and helping each other find just the right shade. Once we had made our choices, Claire was ecstatic to learn that she got to sit right next to me in a big pedicure chair.

It was so cute to see her feeling so special. They scrubbed her feet and she looked at me and giggled because it tickled her. Once they started painting on the light pink polish with sparkles in it- she just lit up. The woman who painted her toes was so nice to her. When she finished- she asked me if it would be okay if she painted Claire's fingernails, too. "Of course!" I replied. Just when I thought Claire's day couldn't get any better! When we had chosen our nail colors, we didn't look at the names on the bottom of the bottle. Wouldn't you know that Claire's nail polish was called, Total Princess? How fitting is that? We had such a great time and all the ladies were asking her about her new brother or sister and how she felt about things. It was neat to see her so proud in this moment and just taking it all in. Afterwards, we walked over to Starbucks and just relaxed and talked for a while. I love my little girl. She is so wonderful to me but also wonderful to those around her. She deserved a little pampering and I can't wait to share tomorrow's shower with her to celebrate her new sibling.

Michael's First Speaking Part

Once a year, each class at Michael and Claire's school gets to host a Mass. Michael's class was chosen to host the mass honoring Mary on May Day. A few weeks before the Mass, I got a paper in Michael's school folder letting us know that Michael was chosen to have a speaking part in the Mass. I was immediately excited as he hadn't been chosen this year to speak in various class celebrations. Michael shook it off like the cool guy that he is and said that he wasn't nervous at all for his big moment. I told him, 'You know you have to get up in front of the whole school and in front of a packed church crowd when you say your lines, right?" "Yep. No problem," he responded. Seriously, Michael sometimes surprises me with is confidence. He really doesn't get intimidated in situations like this. I think I project my nervousness on him which I need to stop doing immediately!!!

I had my camera set to record his speaking part. I was going to capture it- all of it. The service was going along nicely when I saw Michael stand up and walk to the podium. I swear I stopped breathing! And wouldn't you know I didn't record a second of his little speech? I may sound lame but the combination of intense pride in my son coupled with the possible nervousness Michael may have been feeling walking up there was just too much. Michael calmly walked up and said, "To honor Mary as we crown her, we sing Bring Flowers of the Rarest. Will the first graders please stand." No hiccups in the rhythm of his speaking and he spoke slowly and clearly and literally melted my heart. Once he finished- he sat back down with his class and gave us the thumbs up and waved at Matthew. It was an awesome and proud moment for me and I am sure for Michael, too. It is so fun being a parent, especially during these precious moments.

**Disclaimer: The first graders had to wear their Sunday's Best to school and when I dropped Michael off at school, he looked adorable. The whole John Travolta Collar thing happened between drop off and Mass time. Once we saw him in the church we couldn't fix it. He looked cool nonetheless, but it was just funny.

Quacker and Bugs

For the past year or so, Michael has been begging me to go into the Keepsakes Box in the garage and find Quacker and Bugs. These two stuffed animals kept Michael company in his incubator and provided a little color and some stimulation for him. When Michael was born in Paris, a lot of people sent us care packages from home. Most of them were full of American food that we so badly longed for- but some people sent cute little things for Michael. Bugs (the little stuffed bunny) was sent to us by my Grandma and Quacker (the little yellow ducky) was sent to us from my cousin Julie. These two little guys were really cute and small so Damien and I brought them to the NICU and asked if we could put them in Michael's incubator. They told us we were allowed to do it- but that they would have to disinfect them and then place them in sealed sterile plastic bags so no infection entered Michael's 'little home'.

Over the years Michael has become more and more aware of his beginnings and has looked with increasing interest at the photo album devoted to his long journey from Paris to America. One thing that has always peaked his interest are Quacker and Bugs. Of course Damien and I cherish them because they brought us comfort too, but we were surprised to see that Michael wanted to see them so badly. Well, Damien finally went into the garage to dig into one of the three Keepsake Bins to look for these two little animals. When Michael first saw them he was shocked at how little they were. We explained that next to his little body- they probably looked big to him. But now that he was bigger- they probably seemed smaller. We thought that was a cute observation. Michael also loved that Bugs wears one of Michael's french hospital bands around his ankle. One funny thing is that for the entire time we were in Paris- they insisted on spelling Michael's name Mickael. This bugged Michael and he said, 'Didn't they know how to spell my name?" Hey bud- it comes with the territory. Maybe if your Mom and Dad didn't go to Europe pregnant that wouldn't have happened!!! Michael was so proud to be holding Quacker and Bugs but was surprisingly delicate with them. He knew how special they were and wants to save them to show his kids one day. Michael explained to Matthew their significance and has insisted that I put them on display on a high shelf in my kitchen for a while so that Quacker and Bugs can be a part of our family in America.

One other very special keepsake from Michael's birth in Paris, France was a little giraffe named Sophie that was given to Michael by one of his many nurses, Severine, right before he was to be discharged. She explained that every baby born in France is given this little squeaky toy and that Michael should be no different. She hoped that Sophie would remind Michael of France as he grew older. For the first few years- Michael had no interest in Sophie. Then Sophie became 'really cool' to Michael and was played with and squeaked often. Last year, poor Sophie was feeling her age and lost her ability to squeak. Then this year, her pliable plastic neck began to crack. Michael was really upset over this so Michael taped her neck so that it wouldn't crack anymore. His love for this little toy is so sweet. I thought it might be fun to get him a new one for his birthday last month! When he opened it- he couldn't believe I had gotten him another Sophie all the way from France! Then he pursed his lips a little and said to me, "Sorry Mom. I made a deal with the first Sophie that I would never trade her in." I swear- this is word for word what he said. It was so sweet. From the picture- you can tell how much 'love' the older Sophie has gotten compared to the newer Sophie. I assured Michael that his original Sophie isn't going anywhere and that now Sophie has a new friend. He liked this and then made sure that if he played with the newer giraffe, he gave his original Sophie some love, too.

Fun Differences

When I was younger and thought of my future children- I somehow pictured them to be very similar looking with similar stories. By similar- I meant brown hair with brown eyes. Ha! I couldn't have been more wrong. This baby that will join us soon will have a look all his/her own and his/her own story to match. Here are some interesting things that make all of my kids very different!

Birth Cities: Michael was born in Paris, France. Claire was born in Seattle, Washington. Matthew was born in Los Gatos, California. Baby #4 will be born in San Jose, California.

Birth Hospitals: Michael was born in Hopital Cochin. Claire was born in Swedish Hospital. Matthew was born in Los Gatos Community Hospital. Baby #4 will be born in Good Samaritan Hospital.

Birth Weight: Michael was 1 lb. 9 oz. Claire was 7 lbs. 13 ounces. Matthew was born 8 lbs. 5 ounces.

Hair Color: Michael has red hair. Claire has brown hair. Matthew has blond hair.

Eye Color: Michael has crystal blue eyes. Claire has green eyes. Matthew has bluish green eyes.


Even when it came to developmental milestones and teething- they were all very different.

One thing all of them have in common is that they are right handed. Oh, and they're all very cute.

I just got to thinking the other day and realized that my children really have their own identities and are each so special to me in so many different ways. I see a lot of similarities between Claire and Matthew (even on the days they were born). I also do see Michael in Matthew sometimes, too. We call Matthew 'The Hybrid' because he bridges the gap between Michael and Claire's looks- kind of rounding them all out. Just as I finished writing this sentence- I started feeling the baby kicking around in my tummy and thought, 'Who Are You In There?' Seriously! Isn't that moment amazing when you lay your eyes on your baby for the first time and are able to match it's cute little face with all the movements you felt for the past nine months??? I am not sure who you are baby or what you look like- but I know that you have three siblings here waiting patiently for you to join their crazy little circus. Boy are you lucky!!!

30 Weeks and Deep Thoughts

Are you getting bored of my posts yet where I sound like a broken record because I am reporting week by week that I am not on bedrest yet? Because I am going crazy around here!!! Since I got pregnant this time (and really even Claire and Matthew's pregnancies) I have always prepared for the worst because of what we went through with Michael. The shock and awe of what was happening was just too much to even absorb that Damien and I didn't know up from down for about three straight weeks after he was born. My little defense mechanism is to prepare for bad news so that I don't find myself hurling towards depression and utter shock when I receive news that just isn't as bad as I had thought. Now I know that even if I did get news that I had to go on bedrest or even have to birth this baby now- I would be disappointed but would most certainly battle my way through things because we are inching closer and closer to safety for this baby. My heart hurts less these days, I don't spend countless hours worrying over the littlest things, and I really feel like I am in a good mental place instead of the minor depression I used to find myself wandering in from time to time.

I can't explain to you why I feel so heavy for the vast majority of the pregnancy. I just think that no matter how much convincing anyone does to try and tell me that things are going to be okay- I can't stop from going to the bad place because I have been to some pretty bad places. Because this is my first time being pregnant while immersed in a school environment where all the moms know I am pregnant and a lot of people want to know how I am doing- I have found myself conflicted on how to describe my pregnancy to someone. For instance- in the beginning if they asked when I was due (which is July 7th but also is a complete joke because I will never make it there)- do I tell them I will deliver early or just go with the July 7th date to avoid questioning? Also, I am so used to talking about preterm labor, preemies, cervix issues that I sometimes don't realize that I can freak people out just by telling them my story. My pregnancies are complicated and so are the emotions that I endure and carry with me throughout the nine months. I cringe and worry so much until I reach the day Michael was born (25 weeks) in any of my pregnancies because to me- that signifies the very first day that I actually might be able to have the baby and have it survive. I know that it is a morbid thought but I spent so many days staring at my little 1.5 pound baby Michael praying for him to just hang on and give me a chance to be his Mommy. How can I ignore or even push aside these feelings? They are real. This really difficult experience did happen to me and unless you have been through it yourself- you wouldn't be able to understand why I have such a hard time just shaking off my worries and thinking everything will be okay. (Picture of Michael two weeks after birth.)


Once I hit 25 weeks, every day seems a bit brighter. I slowly become more optimistic and hope and pray to make it to my next mental milestone. Well- I am thrilled to say that I am 30 weeks and it feels amazing to be able to say that I am in the thirties! Oh, this baby in my tummy feels so healthy, so big, and I know that the hours I spend resting and the unselfish decisions I make not to push it or walk when I don't need to is helping this sweet baby have the best shot possible at a healthy birth and life. Amazingly- I was told this week that I was again healthy enough to stay on my feet and avoid bedrest. I am in shock. Yes, here comes that whole 'broken record' part I was talking about earlier. I can't believe it. I seriously can't believe I still have 3 cm of cervix and am walking. What a blessing, what a joy, and what a way to wrap up this long journey of pregnancy. I also took the Ffn test and thankfully- that came back negative, which means I should make it to 32 weeks without labor. Really, this is all great news. It just makes me emotional because after three long and extremely difficult pregnancies- I am finally catching a bit of a break. (Picture of me on bedrest in the hospital with Claire's pregnancy.)

My sister Gina sent me a song this week that reminded her of me and Damien and what we are going through and what we have been through. I clicked on it expecting to like it but didn't expect that within seconds of listening to the words- I would be bawling. I really feel like this is our last pregnancy. I have loved each and every pregnancy despite it's difficult nature but I also know that it has taken a toll on me. I have had to overcome so much, had to endure some very heavy things at a very young age and I feel like when I meet this new baby- I will put aside the very complex yet wonderful journey of growing my beautiful babies and instead focus on mothering them. In the song Gina sent me- some of the lyrics seemed to perfectly describe my most difficult experiences. (Picture of me on bedrest with Matthew.)

All of these lines across my face,

Tell you the story of who I am.
So many stories of where I've been,

And how I got to where I am.

But these stories don't mean anything,

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true...I was made for you.

See the smile that's on my mouth,

It's hiding the words that don't come out.

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed,

They don't know my head is a mess.

No, they don't know who I really am,

And they don't know what I've been through

Like you do. And I was made for you...

What this song means to me is that no matter how I describe what I have been through, no matter if you saw me go through it, no matter if you were extremely close to me or an observer from afar- no one had to go through what I went through but me. And while I don't wear all of the painful experiences on my face, they are in me somewhere. And when I am pregnant they sneak up and remind me of where I have been which makes it hard for me to shake off the negative and feel positive all the time. We all have our own journey through life and for some reason or another- I choose to believe that this long eight year journey of difficult pregnancies will only make me stronger in the end. I will be sad to say goodbye to pregnancy but will be happy to finally put away some of the more unpleasant memories I hold and instead focus on the positives. (Picture of Michael one week old.)

Wow. I just really babbled here but feel like I released some of the feelings I have had in my heart for the past few months. Perhaps I am peeling away the layers of protection I have been building up for the last seven months to expose the softer, less defensive and scared part of me so that I can welcome this new life into the world unafraid and with all of my heart.

Heat Wave

Back in January, we were spoiled with the most amazing weather here. It tricked so many of us into thinking we were inching out of Winter only to be smacked in the face with weeks and weeks of rain (which California desperately needed so it made it okay). If you have ever lived in this area or have been lucky enough to travel here during the Spring months- you know how amazing the weather is here. Warm enough so that you can wear shorts and get a tan, but not too hot where you don't want to go outside. For the most part, our summers are great but there are days that are just so stinkin' hot that you crank the AC up and hang out inside until just before dinner time.

My Mom and Gina timed it just perfectly to be here for our first major heat wave this Spring. We've had a lot of beautiful 80 degree days so far but this heat wave was going to turn it up a notch! During the prime hours of the afternoon it was about 99 degrees on Monday and Tuesday and smokin' hot (to quote bret Michaels). We had just gotten a new pool for the kids and they made the most of it and had an absolute ball while running around in their little birthday suits! We took Claire to gymnastics and when we drove her home around 5:30 p.m. it was still in the 90s and felt awesome! We came home and barbecued and had corn on the cob and watermelon (two of my summer staple foods) and let the kids splash us with water and enjoyed every minute of sunlight we were given. It was just a tease for the weather that is on the way and I can't wait to spend more time outside just enjoying the great outdoors. I will say- one drawback was that I found that my legs were swollen because of the heat. I made sure that I drank a lot of water but I just think I am going to have to deal with whatever side effects the heat gives me and go along for the ride. After all- I only have about six weeks left of this pregnancy and would totally prefer beautiful weather and a little swelling than weather that was dark and dismal that might bum me out. On a side note- my sister in law, Lani, found me the sun lounger that I have been searching for for the last three weeks. When bedrest comes and even in the interim with my preventative bedrest, I want to be able to kill some time laying outside but needed a lounger that would lay completely flat and not break the bank. I searched and searched, in a wheelchair and all, and found nothing that wasn't like $80. A huge thanks to Lani for finding me my holy grail!!!

Holy Houseguests!!!

I love to be around people. If you called and said you were in the area- I'd be thrilled to see you. Heck- you can stay the night if you want to! I just love when there is a lot going on around me. Since the day after Easter until today (2 weeks) we have had three different groups of family staying with us. They came in four separate rounds, some overlapping, and kept us company for the last two weeks. It started with Damien's brother and his family who stayed for four days. It was great having them here and my kids certainly enjoyed having their two cousins who are currently living in England here to pal around with. It was a little crazy with five kids under eight running around but we made the very best of it. We had so much fun that wouldn't you know I didn't take my camera out once! Mark and Jocelyn have been in England for almost two years now so it was nice to see them and touch base. We visited them this past summer in England but really haven't really had the chance to hang out as much as we did this past week since last summer. It was a really nice visit and a great chance to just enjoy the great company and beautiful weather.

My sister Gina came down and overlapped with Mark and Jocelyn's stay for one night. That night we had ten people sleeping here and it was pretty comfortable if I might say! (Of course I was sleeping in my own comfy bed.) She was such a help when she was here. Sure, we sat out in the sun and listened to music a lot- but she helped out a lot with the kids and miscellaneous jobs around the house that I haven't gotten to. We also got to just sit and night and catch up on each other's life and enjoy one another. I loved her visit and can't wait until she comes back again. (Oh, and I only took this one picture when she was down here!) My Mom came down and overlapped with Gina's visit for a few days which was fun, too. They were able to come to my 29 week doctor's appointment and also tried and stay cool as the temperature rose into the high 90s! We had a great barbeque and some precious moments together that will sustain me for the next few months. I was sad to see Gina go but it was nice to have my Mom here to keep me company.

Just one day later, my Dad and sister Laura flew in for a visit. I haven't seen my Dad or Laura since December (which was the last time I was allowed to fly on a plane in this pregnancy). I was so happy to see them and they couldn't believe the size of my belly! The last time they saw me I was ten weeks pregnant. The kids had missed their Auntie and Grandpa and were so delighted to have them here to enjoy! We just hung out a lot and tried to get out of the house at least one time a day. Because I can't walk very far and have to use a wheelchair if we go shopping- it limited our outing possibilities but we managed to have a lot of fun shopping while my Dad pushed me around! My parents got to go to Michael's baseball game and also do the ever exciting drop off and pick up at the kids' school. We hung out a lot in the backyard and watched the kids swim in the kiddie pool while we relaxed. All in all, it was an amazing visit and I feel very happy that I was able to see my Dad and sister and reconnect after missing them so much.

And now we are home alone. We are enjoying the autonomy but also miss our family that brightened our lives for a few weeks. It won't be long until I have this baby and then am granted permission to fly again. I am looking forward to a nice long visit in Kirkland, Washington this summer where I plan on doing a whole lot of nothing while hanging out with my amazing family. Oh, while also watching my four kids. Things are going to get very interesting very soon!!!

29 Weeks

I am going to cut right to the chase. I AM NOT ON BEDREST!!! Okay, I feel better now. I had to shout out this fantastic news in the hope that I actually digest it. I feel so strange today. This fabulous turn of events wasn't in the plan! I go through a little process to get ready for my appointments. I try and prepare myself with my real expectations while letting in just the right amount of hope that things might be better than we could have ever imagined. This week, with Gina and my Mom in tow- we went to my appointment ready to see if bedrest time had come. As she measured my cervix- I watched the measurement in the corner of the ultrasound screen grow past 2.5 cm (which is where I was expecting it to stop) and go right up to 3.0 cm. Damien and I looked at each other in disbelief as we watched my doctor retake the measurement to make sure it was correct. Even my doctor was surprised and said that she wasn't going to try and figure out why it was long this week- instead she told me to go with it and enjoy another week on my feet.


It was awesome to have my family with me at this appointment to share in the excitement and to see me so happy. This was the first time Gina had ever seen an ultrasound of a baby so that was pretty cool. The doctor measured the baby's weight this week and my chubby little baby weighed in at 3.5 lbs already! I am finally getting to the point in the pregnancy where I am truly happy. With every week- I am getting closer to the birth of a healthy baby which has been my goal since I found out I was pregnant October. I am worrying less and just trying to prepare for the arrival of a baby I have worked so hard to grow big and strong. Seven weeks to go (not that I am counting) until I get the cerclage taken out and wait hours or days for this little one to join us. Let the fun begin!

My Little Mush Mouth

Matthew has really exploded with his language in the last few months. It started with a few words and then escalated pretty quickly to really descriptive and surprisingly advanced words. Matthew learned his colors and learned to count to ten and really seems to want to know the world around him. At least once an hour he will bring me a book and say, 'Mom, name?' I think a large reason for his want to learn is that he wants to be like everyone else in the house. He won't be denied when it comes to his older brother and sister. He thinks he can do anything they can! Up until a few weeks ago- Matthew was about 95% understandable- however, this has now all changed. Matthew recently decided that he wants to speak in full sentences. Can he speak in full sentences? Not so much. It is actually hilarious to hear him try and speak like a big kid. All of this noise comes out of his mouth with a few words flung here and there. It is so funny! But he thinks he is really speaking complete sentences and I am not going to be the one that tells him differently! He usually does this when he is excited and trying to get a lot of information out at one time. When Claire was learning to speak- we used to call her 'mush mouth' because her language was fairly undistinguishable. And my the way things are going- it looks we might have another one on our hands again!

28 Weeks

This week was a really calm week in general but I cannot begin to tell you about how much silly anxiety I had! Knowing full well that this week I went on bedrest with Matthew, I was nervous for my doctor's appointment on Tuesday. Not only was I prepping for the news that I needed bedrest- I was also a little uncomfortable that I had to see a different doctor than my own. My doctor deserves a vacation! She works so much but the timing of her trip was less than optimal for me. I was worried that the different doctor would measure my cervix differently than my doctor and that I might have to go on bedrest because of a mismeasurement. Remember- we are measuring tenths of a centimeter here! Lucky for me, my appointment got cancelled two days in a row (if you can believe it) and I was able to reschedule an appointment on Thursday with my doctor who was back from vacation. Woohoo! My appointment went amazingly well. My cervix measured 3.1 cm which means another week of freedom for me! I couldn't be happier especially since this is uncharted 'mobile' territory for me.

Today at my appointment I took the Ffn test again. Last time I took it- it took nearly four days to get the results because we went through the lab in the office. When you are worried about going into labor and take a test that can predict labor within two weeks- it is silly to just wait for four days to get the results! If it did come back positive- I would need to get treated immediately and take action. In order to avoid the four day wait for results- we brought the sample to Good Samaritan Hospital (where I will deliver #4). It was a really busy day in our house so only Matthew and I were available to take it to the hospital. It really was no problem. I was at ease knowing that very soon I would get my results instead of waiting nervously for four days. The next morning I got a call from my doctor's office and got the news I was hoping for! The Ffn test came back negative again. This means I most definitely won't go into labor until 30.5 weeks. It is a great relief and just one more positive piece to this long and intricate puzzle.

I couldn't help but look at Matthew tonight in the hospital and think that this might be the last time I am just with him in the hospital. Perhaps the next time I am with him here- he will have a new sister or brother! You know- in the beginning stages of pregnancy it feels so surreal to be pregnant. This last trimester has a sobering way of reminding you that you really are going to have another baby! Up to this point- I have focused a lot on getting through my pregnancy and now I am transitioning into realizing that another sweet baby will be entering my life very soon. I am so happy to have had another good week and just hope that the week ahead holds much of the same!

Happy Easter

Happy Easter Everybody! For the first time in years- we woke up in our own home this Easter. Normally, we switch off every other year to be with either Damien or my family but because of the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy we were home! We woke up fairly leisurely and the kids were anxious to see if the Easter Bunny had come and much to their amazement- he did! Of course we also took time to reflect on Easter's true meaning and the sacrifice Jesus made for all of us. We also celebrated because this year, Michael's actual 8th Birthday fell on Easter so we sang Happy Birthday and cheered him on for being another year older! Quite a bit of significance packed into one very important day.

It was a very joyous day but also one with a small bit of sadness for me. I knew that I would have to stay home all day and not be able to go to Sonoma with Damien and the kids to celebrate Easter with his family. Of course, Damien had first said that they wouldn't go because they didn't want to leave me here all alone. I would hear nothing of the sort and said that he had to take the kids to go have fun with their family and friends. Afterall, how much fun it is to look at your Mommy laying on the couch all day??? After pleading with Damien to please go without me- he agreed. It was Michael's birthday and also a day they could spent with their cousins so I was so happy that their day would be filled with fun and excitement. I got them all dressed up and was prepared to be emotionally strong as I said goodbye to them. However- this all changed as I helped put them in the car and noticed that Claire was crying. "I don't want to leave you here, Mom. It is not fair that you have to stay here without us." I could feel the tears creeping into the corners of my eyes but I fought them back and told her I would be fine. I then explained to her that I have made these types of sacrifices for each one of my babies when they were in my tummy. "Sometimes it is hard to make the right choice but I know that this baby deserves the same sacrifices made for him/her." I knew not going was the right thing to do but it was a lot harder than I had anticipated. My kids looked adorable in their little coordinating outfits and I wanted so badly to be with them rather than say goodbye to them. However, part of me taking on another pregnancy was knowing that regardless of the circumstances- I needed to make the very best choices for this baby. I kissed them all goodbye and made my way to the couch where I spent the majority of the day.

Damien and the kids had an absolute blast up in Sonoma. They got to hang out with the family, see their cousins, eat a delicious brunch, and then swim in the pool at the hotel afterwards and have a mini birthday party for Michael. I am told that Damien was on a mission to let the kids have a great time at the event but also get out of there as soon as possible to get back to me. He really is wonderful to be able to handle all three kids, give them a great day- but also keep me in mind. When they got home that evening, we went out and got some burritos and had a small birthday dinner here for Michael. We were going to get a cake for Michael but the amount of chocolate and candy each of my kids brought home from the two Easter egg hunts was ridiculous! Michael said he was too full for chocolate cake. This might have been the first time in Michael's life that he has refused chocolate or at least turned it down. We had a nice little celebration together and I was happy to have my kids and husband back. They went to sleep with no problem at all as they were completely exhausted after a long day in the sun! All in all, Easter was good- just different. I just kept thinking how wonderful Easter would be next year with a new baby in my arms. Then all of the sacrifices will have been worth it!

Hi-Ya! Michael's Class Birthday Party!

Honestly, I don't know where the eight years have gone since my little Michael was born. Eight years! Can you believe it? Even if I think back really hard, I have a hard time finding out where all of this lost time went. I know that we have had a lot of fun together and I know that Michael has had a really wonderfully full and bright eight years. However, something about having a son that is eight makes me feel like I am eighty! I guess I better get used to him getting older and hitting monumental ages because he is not getting any younger. Especially with a new baby on the way- Michael is so far ahead of Matthew and baby #4 that he will always feel so much older. When he gets his driver's license- this new little one will be hitting the same birthday as he did today- eight years old. I will have a new driver and a first grader at the same time! Crazy how life flips and changes on you. When Michael and Claire were born- I had a house full of babies. But as the last two kids are raised- my older kids will really be in a different place! How great and exciting life really is!

Michael really wanted to have a party where he could invite all the boys in his class. After all- these are the precious innocent years where it makes more sense to invite them all instead of risking hurt feelings and rejection. I looked all around and found this great karate studio that would do everything for me from invitations, entertainment, pizza, and cake. Um, can you say done and done? Michael had a private lesson beforehand to go over some skills and to learn how to break a board with a flying side kick. On his party day, he got to be an honorary black belt, help with the karate instruction, and break the board. He tried his flying side kick as best he could but ended breaking the board with his knee which was more dramatic anyway. His friends couldn't believe this 'amazing feat' and Michael felt like he was king of the world! He had so much fun and really felt special and honored (which is what I wanted anyways).

In the end, Michael had a great class birthday party. It wasn't an easy one to pull off because Michael has had a particularly sick March/April. Four straight viruses in four weeks. This kiddo just couldn't catch a break! His class party was actually scheduled for a week ago Sunday but we had to cancel it because he got sick the night before. He was devastated but luckily- we were able to get most of his friends to his rescheduled party. Whew! In the end- all three of my kids had an absolute blast at Michael's birthday party. Damien and I got to sit back and relax as someone else wrangled eighteen 7/8 year old boys and we enjoyed watching Michael and Claire perform their karate moves and have a blast! The best part, however, was being able to walk away from the chaos and the mess and go home to our clean house where Michael opened up all of his gifts and was in all his eight year old glory! Happy Birthday Michael!

Why I Love To Cook

My childhood is full of many vibrant and wonderful memories and strangely enough- a lot of them have to do with smell. I come from a big Italian family and as you can imagine there was always something cooking in the kitchen. I will never forget the smell of sauteed peppers, onions, and garlic that would knock me over as I entered my Nana's house as a child. Or the smell of spaghetti and meatballs at my Grandma's house that would have me looking forward to dinner from the minute I walked in! So many times when I was a child- I remember waking up from a nap at home and being overwhelmed by the delicious aroma of dinner that my Mom was cooking. There was always life in the kitchen in our family. I grew up watching phenomenal women cook for their families and seeing people so happy after sharing a delicious meal together. Without trying too hard, my great grandma, my grandmas, and my Mom passed on the love of food and cooking to me and I love cooking for my family and friends.

Claire likes to help me out in the kitchen, but these days- I am not in there too much because of the pregnancy. I planned ahead and froze a lot of meals but I haven't had the chance in the last few months to get in there and make a feast! Lucky for me- my Mom was here for a week and spoiled us with her delicious cooking. The thing I love about my Mom is that she has gotten my kids interested in cooking and introduced them to a lot of fantastic foods. She and Claire got together one night and made Pasta Bolognese. They even made homemade pasta (cavatelle) together and Claire was so proud of herself! She couldn't believe that she could do what Nonna did and surely picked up some confidence that I hope will translate into Claire being confident in her own kitchen one day.

I find it amazing that some people just 'like' food. I don't just 'like' food- I 'love' food. I care how it's cooked, I care how it looks, I love how it tastes. Basically- food and I are very good friends and I owe a lot of that to my Mom and my Grandmas. Sure- I have to spend more time on the treadmill to counter my love for most all food, but it is a relationship that I wouldn't give up for anything. Mangia!!!

27 weeks

So here's the latest and greatest. We had a bit of a change this week as my cervical length shunk an entire centimeter in just one week. Last week I was 4.1 cm and this week I was 3.1 cm. I had a hunch that things would kind of go this way but I was also holding out hope that maybe I would be able to carry this baby longer before having to go on bedrest. This doesn't mean that this next Tuesday I will shorten to 2.5 cm but I am definitely preparing for it. If on Tuesday I am told that I need to go on bedrest- the timing would be the exact as with Matthew's pregnancy. But we will see! You never know and I would love to be surprised with another week of mobility.

The great news is that the baby looked fantastic and let us see it's face again. He/she is still head down and I hope it stays that way just for peace of mind. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that I passed the three hour glucose screen which was a HUGE relief. I didn't need to deal with that, too! My next appointment is Tuesday and I will be taking the FFN test again to see if labor is on the way within the next two weeks. I am hoping to bring the two older kids next week because they are on spring break and they haven't had the chance to see the baby on ultrasound yet. We'll see! So plain and simply, things are still good and at this point in the pregnancy- every day makes a huge difference so I am just trying to push ahead one day at a time.

My Helpers

I was lucky enough to have my sister Natalie (my youngest sister who is 11 1/2 yrs younger than me) down to visit during her Spring Break from college. She was an amazing help and I really needed her here more than I knew. Not only did we have great quality time together (think Real Housewives of New York and Baskin Robbins) but she also got my life in order. On day two, she walked into Claire's room and started emptying her dresser telling me that my organization was out of control. She's right there! We gutted Claire's room and then went into the boy's room and did the same. 11 bags to Goodwill later- I felt cleansed and couldn't have done it without her! She spent every moment of free time soaking up the gorgeous sunshine and even got my pale pregnant body outside to get some color, too! My house was spotless, she kept Matthew entertained outside so I could rest, and she gave me the time I needed to rest and just relax. Plus she got to spent some great quality time with all three of my kids and I know that she and the kids loved that! I miss her already but am so happy I was able to spend such great time with her and have her all to myself!

Just two days after Natalie left- my Mom flew into town to give me the same kind of help. I am trying to take it easy so that I can get through these important weeks of the pregnancy so having Natalie and then my Mom here let me focus on resting instead of trying to keep up with my kids crazy schedules!!! From the moment my Mom flew into town my kids were on cloud nine! She did art/craft projects with Clairey (they have their own business called Rainbow Jewels), she appeased Matthew with most every request he had and she couldn't believe how much he was talking and how he was organizing the whole family. Matthew is crazy like that! Always on top of everything! She was able to celebrate Michael's birthday early with him and bring down his birthday gifts from Nonna, Grandpa, and his aunties and got to see Michael do karate and then play a baseball game. She made me meals to freeze that I can access once I am on full bedrest and was just an amazing help to all of us. She got to see Baby Choo Choo on the ultrasound at my doctors appointment and that alone made her the happiest Nonna in the world.

She filled in for my 'normal jobs' when it came to bathing the kids, making dinners, cooking, breaking up fights, solving the kids arguments, and giving the kids extra attention as I have had to lay down and keep more of a lower profile these days. My Mom is amazing and it is no wonder she was able to raise five kids on her own. She is truly an inspiration to me and makes me think that at the end of this pregnancy- I just might be able to handle all four of my kids. Thanks Nat and Mom for coming down to help me out. I appreciate it more than you know!!!