My Vanity

So, I have been trying to write this post for a while now. Pregnancy and vanity. Hmmm. It is a tough one. See- pregnancy has a way of changing your body in ways you never thought imaginable. And truth be told- there isn't a lot you can do about it. Even if you ate a perfect diet it still grabs a hold of you and changes you. Well, let's just go out on a limb and say that I do not eat the perfect diet. The pregnancy diet I follow is the 'Whatever Gets You Thought It' diet. I am not going to beat myself up if I feel like I need a treat at night because it has been one heck of a day. I am not going to deprive myself of a little 'pick me up treat' if it makes me feel better and passes a stressful moment. The hard part for me is that I CANNOT exercise or really burn any extra calories when I am pregnant. No long walks, certainly no exercise, and a lot of laying down. You can imagine how this is not conducive with low pregnancy weight gain! I know a lot of weight gain is genetic and there are certainly those pregnant ladies that look like they swallowed a basketball and don't gain weight anywhere else. Before I ever got pregnant- my Mom told me we don't get pregnant like that. Our elbows get pregnant. Our earlobes even get pregnant. We just get pregnant everywhere which is really not a problem. So inevitably, the weight gain comes, you deal with it and you know you are doing the best for your baby. But what kind of role does vanity play in all of this?

A few months ago, I watched an Oprah episode with Michael J. Fox. He talked about struggling with his diagnosis with Parkinson's and how the first thing that needs to go out the window when you are fighting something or taken over by something is your vanity. I really have thought a lot about what he said. Vanity is a hard thing to let go of. I challenged myself to try and let my vanity go and to try and love myself no matter how many pounds I gained or how my body changed. Let me just tell you how much better I feel this time around now that I am trying to keep things in perspective. Those of you that know me know that in my non-pregnant state- I really like to be active, in shape, and healthy. Certainly the body shape I attain during pregnancy is far off from my usual shape but I am really trying to keep my mental state in tact and love these new changes. Of course it helps that my husband shows me the same love no matter how much I weigh. There is absolutely no pressure there. With my first pregnancy, I didn't get to gain too much weight because Michael was born so early at 25 weeks. With Claire, I gained a fabulous 80 pounds and had a lot of work to do to get it off once she was born. With Matthew, I gained 60 pounds and once again had to deal with the battle of the bulge once I gave birth to him. I went into this pregnancy wanting to keep my weight lower because it is so hard to lose it once the baby arrives. My pregnancies are full of stress, sprinkled with a little bit of depression, heavy thoughts, and worry. When I encounter these feelings- you have no idea how a little bit of ice cream helps. I think I turn into an ice-cream-aholic when I am pregnant. But hey- whatever gets you through the day or the difficult times, right?

I think of what Michael J. Fox said at least five times a day. it is so easy to really care what other people think of you, but what really matters is how you feel about yourself. I am more confident with my weight and am choosing to love myself more than I have in other pregnancies. I think it has changed the way I present myself. Some of my family members are saying, "I swear- you are smaller this time around." People think I look better but I am par for the course this pregnancy in terms of the amount of weight I gained with Matthew. I just feel better! I have tried to check my vanity at the door and just embrace this process instead of fighting it. I will get back in shape. I will get back to my 'normal' size. But until then, I need to be kinder to myself and enjoy this pregnancy. I am doing a much more important job here (growing a baby) than trying to look skinny and be in shape. Because here is the truth- whether you gain 20 pounds or 80 pounds, the goal is to grow a healthy baby and in the end we all will be the same.

One thing that has absolutely been priceless this time around are my kids comments. Now I tend to think my kids are pretty sensitive people and are really good about trying not to hurt people's feelings. However, it seems they have saved all of their truth serum for me.
Example #1- One day when I was reading a book to Claire, she said to me "Mom, I think your head is getting smaller." I bit my tongue and had to laugh because in some ways it is true. But what is really happening is that the rest of my body is getting bigger!
Example #2- One day I was reading 'The Ugly Duckling' with Michael. As we were reading he stopped me and with tears in his eyes told me, "That's not very nice that they call her ugly. (He paused.) I mean- how would you feel if someone called you 'Big Fat Lady?'
Example #3- Yesterday as I was getting Michael ready for school- we were talking about swimming. He told me how hard it must be for bigger people to swim because it would be so easy for them to sink to the bottom. I explained how fat actually might make you float more easily. He then quickly replied, "Oh, then you would totally float."

I am not offended in the least to any of these comments because they are kids and they are just being truthful and don't know the negative implications of some of their comments (if said to others). If they said this to someone else- I would be mortified but they weren't trying to be mean or hurt my feelings and they didn't hurt me. I see the humor in it and have laughed about it with Damien and a few of my family members because these comments are priceless hence me sharing them with all of you! I know they consider the baby and my huge tummy as part of the weight but it has also been a good chance to talk about being sensitive and what is appropriate or not. I just wanted to write them down so I remember them in the future because they are so funny (to me). So as I finish these last few weeks in the pregnancy, I am choosing to be kinder to myself and relish in the fact that my body has changed because of the beautiful miracle that is growing in my tummy. Vanity is a hard thing to check at the door, but if you can do it- it makes life a whole lot easier.