Life On Wheels

It is hard to know what life would be like if you had special needs. Having a sister with Down Syndrome has exposed to me to world of sensitivity and understanding. Since Laura was born (I was 9 years old) my life has been closely interwoven with those with needs more special than my own. Through her schooling, we were able to meet wonderful children, many who were born with life altering conditions or disabilities. Sure, some of these kids were born with many challenges, but the one thing they didn't lack was the ability to smile. This is what always hurt my heart. Here were these children, many unaware of their own shortcomings- yet despite it all, they were always smiling. Being sensitive to those less fortunate made it hard for me to see people who were full functioning look at life so sourly. So many people get stressed out about trivial things- taking for granted the basic ability to exist without physical assistance or not having to continually tackle mental challenges. I know that it is hard for people (including myself) to remain grounded with how fortunate we are, but being around those with special needs quickly reminds you that whatever is stressing you out- probably isn't that big of a deal.

All of this rang true again, when the doctors finally talked to us about taking Michael home from the hospital. I was so relieved! I had planned his homecoming and his first few months in my mind and was ready to get rid of hospitals and the stress that came with it. Then my plans were dramatically altered when a nurse came over to me and told me that 'Special Services' would be contacting me shortly to arrange Michael's at-home therapy sessions. Therapy? No one told me about therapy! Unbeknownst to me, we had a long road of recovery ahead. After Michael came home, a barrage of therapists followed. Physical therapists, occupational therapists, and speech therapists followed him each week for almost 3 years. Ironically, I found myself in the same place as I did when Laura was born, surrounded by children with special needs- one of them, my son. Although Michael's condition thankfully turned out to be temporary and correctable, there were many scary months where we weren't sure of Michael's ability to reach the therapist's long term goals. But as God brought him to safety when he was a tiny tiny baby, he again embraced him and guided Michael down the path to being a fully recovered three year old boy.

I happen to consider myself someone who is very aware of the people around me. I have been exposed to many things that have helped me to become extra sensitive to those in need and my heart goes out to those who have such a difficult road to journey down. So, you can imagine when I started using my wheelchair during this pregnancy (at about 20 weeks), I expected people to show a certain sensitivity to me. A lot of people were really nice and held open doors so I could wheel through them. However, I have been surprised at the lack of sensitivity by so many others who are just not aware of their surroundings. People see me wheeling toward them and have to make a choice to either move or make me wheel out of the way. More times than not, I have had to move. When I was shopping with my Mom at Macy's, the cashier actually had the nerve to say, "What is Wrong with You?" I wish that I had a good comeback, but I was actually so surprised she asked me that question that I was speechless. I guess my point is that during this temporary time of being physically challenged, my eyes have opened much wider to those who live life from their wheelchair each and every day. Just a few of the downsides are that many store aisles are so narrow that you can barely fit through them without knocking things off the shelf, it is also really difficult to see and use the debit machine when paying at a store, forget about grabbing things on high shelves, and it is really inconvenient when stores or sidewalks don't have adequate wheelchair ramps.

I have learned so much during this pregnancy, but as I near the end and become a little more introspective, I hope to use the many additional lessons I learned in my wheelchair to further enhance my sensitivity to those around me. There have been days of my life where I have been a successful and active college athlete and other days where my activity has been reduced to laying in a bed 24/7. I think the most difficult part of life is taking the greater amount of all of your experiences and finding the one common thread that has gotten you through them all. I know that my thread of hope has been deeply rooted in my faith in God and the trust I have in Him that everything will be alright in the end. My hope for people is that we can all respect the limitations of those around us and remember to be loving, helpful, and perspective people in society. Actions speak louder than words. So the next time you are out and about and see someone who could use some help, do so. Hopefully your good deed will start a chain reaction in the hearts of those around you.

34 Weeks!!!

I am starting to feel so much better about myself. For one, I don't feel as fragile anymore. I feel like this baby is strong and that I have a little while to go until I see him/her. While I am still doing all the bedrest I am supposed to, I have resumed some activities when I am up and moving. Don't get me wrong- I am still being really careful, I just feel like it is okay to load some dishes in the dishwasher once in a while or walk to the garage to get the mail. It is almost laughable how little I can really do around here, but that will all change when I have a house and 3 kids to take care of. By the way, someone remind me once I am waist deep in diapers, driving the kids to and from school, making dinner, and cleaning the house that there was a time in my life when I laid on the couch. I am sure once the baby is born, I will forget all about these lazy, boring, difficult days.

On a very happy note, I was so touched to be invited out to dinner by a handful of my girlfriends to celebrate my still being pregnant and the near arrival of #3! It was so refreshing to get out of the house and be surrounded by such a loving, understanding, and hilarious group of women. All of us are moms, which made for some fun and interesting talks about our kids. One of my girlfriends that attended had a c-section last Friday and she took her first trip out of the house to celebrate with me (with her beautiful 1 week old daughter, Ashley) and another one of the women is 29 weeks pregnant with a little girl. So in terms of feeling big and pregnant, I had some people to commiserate with. We laughed, they gave me some wonderful gifts to get ready for the baby, and we had a great time! So thank you to Jocelyn, Melissa, Suzanne, Kate and baby Ashley! You really boosted my spirits and revitalized me.

Getting all these beautiful gifts and seeing how small the little clothes and hats were made me really excited for the baby. Obviously with such limited activity, I haven't had much time to get things ready in terms of washing the baby clothes and finding all the baby necessities I stored somewhere 4 years ago. Part of me feels worried that I won't have things ready, but something in the back of my mind reminds me that when the baby comes home from the hospital- they just sleep, poop, and eat. So I am hoping that I can do some of the organizing after the baby is born!

My mom and sister Laura are coming to visit tomorrow. I am so excited to see Laura because I haven't seen her since August. I am sure she would tell you that she is excited to see me, but I know she is most excited about seeing 'her babies'. Laura loves my children unconditionally and I'm so happy that it worked out for her to come down with my mom for the entire week. I go to the doctor again this Tuesday and I am excited that she will be able to see the baby on the ultrasound. It should be a good week and I am hoping that with the excitement of my mom and Laura being here, I might get a bit distracted and then suddenly be 35 weeks. One can only hope, right?

More of the Same . . .

So, my doctor's appointment went well today.
Got my shot of progesterone, saw that the baby had a great heartbeat, watched the ultrasound as my doctor tried to avoid showing me the sex of the baby, and got more good news that nothing has changed. We also talked about scheduling the cerclage removal between week 36/37. That is right at the end of January and really not that far away! I am thrilled that I am still only on modified bedrest. It is such great news! She let me know that I will most probably not see any full bedrest with this pregnancy which is surreal! In fact, it is so surreal that I can't even really grab hold of what is going on these days.

Because of my bedrest, each day seems to blend into the next and my perception of reality becomes a bit distorted- leaving me in an odd emotional limbo. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with how things are going, it is just difficult to deal with such intense emotions for such a long period of time. I have been bracing for the worst since I got the cerclage put in at 13 weeks. I always prepared for news that I didn't want to hear. I haven't heard any bad news, yet I still find myself getting worked up over the little things. In the past 7 months I have continually worried before appointments or just obsessed about things taking a wrong turn. Because of the worrying, I now have a hard time accepting or truly believing any good news. Since day one of the pregnancy, my doctor and nurses warned me to protect my heart. So with each week, I have taken all the good news with a grain of salt- never truly feeling 100% comfortable that everything was okay. I am now trying to transition my thinking, relax, and find my peace before this baby comes.

Today's appointment was great. I never in a million years thought I would be at this point of the pregnancy with so few complications. They estimate that the baby is now 5 1/2 pounds and my uterus measures at 36 weeks (even though I am only 33 1/2 weeks along). All of this is awesome and I do feel really good when I am there with the doctor. Yet every time I come home from these appointments, I skate around on the adrenaline for a while and then find myself feeling defeated. I think about how much farther I have to go and feel overwhelmed. I really need to work on focusing on the positive and believing that things really are alright and that it is okay to let my heart feel happy and not be so protective. I have learned over the past 3 pregnancies that this type of healing has to come from within me. I appreciate people telling me how great it is that I am 33 weeks and how wonderful everything is, but ultimately, it is me who has to work on shedding my fears and becoming a more confident, strong and more healed person. Lately, I have been finding a lot of happiness when it is quiet and I feel my baby move. His/her movements are so much stronger now and when I am feeling down and feel an arm or a leg drag across my entire tummy, I think of it as the baby letting me know that he/she is okay.

What have I learned from my previous pregnancies? That no matter how difficult the situation, no matter how bad things get- THIS TOO SHALL PASS. After Michael was born, after spending 3 dreadful months in Paris, and after we landed on American soil- we felt like the whole terrible ordeal was just a dream. After 73 days on bedrest in the hospital and after giving birth to Claire, my difficult memories of bedrest were gone. I will try and use these experiences to help me remember that once this baby is born, these long hard-fought days will fade into a distant memory. And that, my friends, is when all of this will have been worth it.

33 Weeks

As the stress from the pregnancy slowly lifts from our lives, the days and weeks are passing more swiftly. Our lives are more regimented as the kids started school again this week, Damien is back working, and we stayed busy hanging out with friends we haven't seen in a while. I've also been able to stay more optimistic as my tummy keeps growing and the movements from the baby get bigger and stronger. I find a lot of comfort in being 33 weeks and am so happy to be here. I know that the baby is healthier and I find that the burden of bedrest doesn't seem to weigh me down like it did in the weeks before.

What is funny to me is that the pregnancy amnesia has really begun to set it. I thought today, "You know . . . this pregnancy hasn't been that bad at all. Time has really flown by!". This pregnancy really hasn't been that hard- when you compare it to my other pregnancies- but the journey has been a long and difficult one. Instead of obsessing about having the baby early, I now spend a lot of time wondering when I am going to go into labor and meet this little baby! Of course, we still have our sights set on meeting this little one after 35 weeks, but you never know what God has in store for you. It is now a waiting game and soon enough, the pregnancy will be over. The kids are very anxious because way back in August, we told them that the baby would come after Christmas. Now we find ourselves backpedaling and unsure of what to tell them. Tonight, Michael said that the baby was taking a long time to come out. Earlier today, Claire thought that if she played music for the baby from one of her books, that the baby might want to come out to see where the music was coming from.

Becoming pregnant this time was a really powerful experience. Out of all 3 pregnancies, I was most ready for this baby. I had already raised 2 babies, got myself back into shape, accomplished a lot physically (ran my first marathon) and finally followed through with my creative passion of making invitations and party accessories. For the first time I felt truly accomplished, but I knew that something was missing and that is when I got 'The Itch'. I wanted another baby- no matter how hard or difficult the process might be. I knew that this pregnancy would involve a lot of heartache, a lot of shots, a ton of doctor's appointments, the much dreaded bedrest, not to mention losing the ability to be truly active with my children. Michael and Claire have been so resilient to the changes I have had to make. They have handled the many many changes in such a mature and loving way and made the best out of my situation. A lot has changed in my life over the last 7 1/2 months. That is for sure.

Just a few weeks from now, I look forward to seeing life in a new light. At night when I close my eyes, I get emotional when I think about introducing Michael and Claire to their new sibling. It is in this moment that I think I will release the guilt I feel for not being able to be there for them 100% of the time. Being the kind of children that they are, I know that they would've supported our decision to have another baby, even knowing that it would affect their lives a little bit. They are going to be such a great big brother and big sister. The miracle of life will truly be complete once Michael and Claire get to meet their little miracle. They have felt the baby kick, they have felt the baby hiccup- but nothing will be as amazing as seeing them nurture and love this little baby. It's time for me to go to bed now. Time for me to close my eyes and look forward to the future of our family and this little baby. Soon, life and love as we know it will grow in ways we can't even imagine. I look forward to relishing in these moments and pray that God will continue to bless us as he has done over the last 33 weeks.

Claire Gets A Little Confused

Claire has had a difficult time coming to grips that there is only one baby in my tummy. It throws her off that we have 2 names picked out- one for a girl (Emily) and one for a boy (Matthew). While I truly think she understands that only one baby will come out, she still daydreams that there are two and this video is evidence enough to prove it. This is a video gem that will stay with me for a long time and I can't wait to show it to her when she is older. Enjoy. (click the play button, the arrow, on the video below to watch it)

Claire Gets A Little Confused (video)

Hope Restored

Well, today was another doctor's appointment and Damien and I were a little more laid back and relaxed than we have been in the past. It feels good to know that we are in a safe place (32 1/2 weeks) just in case we get word that it is time for the baby to come! But as luck would have it, things still look pretty good. The appointment started out with a progesterone shot, followed by the Fetal Fibronectin swab. Then she did an internal exam and found that the stitch was definitely still holding but that I was about a fingertip dilated. She wasn't alarmed at all because she said that most women pregnant with their third child are a fingertip dilated at this point in the pregnancy. She felt optimistic about the way my cervix felt and looked and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. I found out late this evening that the Fetal Fibronectin screen came back negative . . . again. Wow, I feel so blessed. So basically, that is some assurance that I will not go into labor for 2 weeks- which would get me to 34 1/2 weeks. How would've thought? But rest assured, we are still taking it one day at a time. Every day of this pregnancy from this point on is icing on the cake.

This pregnancy is so surreal to me at this point. In a way, I feel disconnected from it because I can't truly believe I am pregnant if I am not suffering through it. With Michael, it was so painful to constantly see him struggle and with Claire, bedrest in the hospital for 73 days was anything BUT a walk in the park. I am still living a very normal life. I've gotten very used to the couch routine and am able to go out to dinner or shopping in the evenings (in a wheelchair of course). But so far, this pregnancy, despite the mental agony and worry- has been so great and I owe it all to the cerclage. The stitches are supposed to dissolve around 36/37 weeks and she thought that they felt strong and weren't dissolving yet (which is good!). She said that next week we would talk about a date to schedule the removal of the cerclage and then warned me that sometimes when they take the stitches out, women don't go into labor because the baby's head sits on the pubic bone. So we will most likely have the cerclage removed at 36 weeks and see what happens. I told her that if she wants to break my water when she takes the cerclage out, she was more than welcome! She laughed and said, "Oh, no. We will send you home so that you can have a good old fashioned labor." It is hard to know that the end is in sight- but not know how soon or how far away that end is! I feel a bit desperate and can't wait to get my body back and meet my baby. She re-emphasized today that she thinks this baby is big and my fundal measurement (size of my uterus) was 34 weeks. So at least the baby is growing well and will hopefully be chubby (a very important baby quality to Claire).

I feel like I have a bit more wind in my sails and in a lot of ways feel that my hope for a healthy baby has been restored. Life is good. The holidays are over. Now we will just wait patiently to meet this new little person who will bless our lives SO much.

Damien's 31st Birthday!

Yesterday was Damien's 31st birthday! It was a great day and we ended 2006 in a wonderful way! The day started with his birthday presents. The kids were so excited for him to open his presents from them. Michael gave him 2 boxes of Cocoa Pebbles and Claire gave him 2 boxes of Fruity Pebbles. They know that he loves sugar cereals, that Mommy rarely buys them, and that the gift for Dad would also be a gift for them! We have very smart children. We then went over to his parent's apartment to watch the last 49er game of the year and have a birthday lunch. Luckily, the 49ers pulled out the win and we all had a lot of fun eating 'football food' and Hellie's hamburgers. Lani, Eric, Seamus, and Megan made it down for the afternoon celebration and it was a lot of fun to gather as a group and to see all the kids playing together. Heavenly, Heather, and Ryan also made the trip which was really nice.

Later in the evening we all went to the Emperor's Garden for Damien's birthday dinner. It was such a beautiful dinner and it was refreshing to sit at a circular table where we could all see each other and interact. We both come from big families and are used to going to restaurants and being seated at a long rectangular table. When you do this, you only get to talk to the people right next to you and never get the chance to talk with everyone. So to be surrounded by everyone's faces was really neat! The food was amazing and we had a lot of laughs, too.

Afterward, we all came back to our house and had a Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Cake. My dad reminded me that it was Damien's "Baskin-Robbins Birthday" (Damien turned 31 and 31 Flavors . . .) so we had to do that. Plus, Michael had this cake picked out for him weeks ago and I had to do it. It was delicious and we were happy that Fr. Art could come over and celebrate with us. We toasted to the New Year at 10:00 p.m. and everyone left to meet friends or get some sleep!

I give Damien a lot of credit for having a birthday on New Year's Eve (not that he had a say in the matter). First off, a lot of people leave town for the holiday. If they are in town, most people have fabulous party plans with friends. This being said, it's hard to get a good group together to celebrate his birthday. I don't think he really minds, but I always feel bad that his birthday is pretty much overshadowed by a bigger holiday. One other mildly humorous part of his birthday is that he is always aware when his birthday is officially over. The count down 10-9-8 . . . is a blatant reminder that he'd better enjoy the last few seconds because when the clock strikes midnight, it's no longer his day!

I appreciated Damien even more than usual yesterday for being the amazing, sympathetic man that he is. He has stepped up in every way to help me be comfortable while I am on bedrest. He does the laundry, cleans the house, gets the kids up and puts them to sleep, does Claire's hair, cooks, all the while doing his own job as well. I said grace last night at dinner and I thanked God for blessing me with a husband who knows how to help me even before I need to ask for help. I get a lot of credit for my strength to get through this pregnancy and am praised often for my unwillingness to let this temporary situation consume me. Back in May, when we got pregnant, Damien too, agreed to take on whatever this pregnancy brought upon us. He knew that any pain we experienced, would be repaid in happiness once this baby arrived. So he deserves a lot of credit as well.

So, Happy Birthday Damien. Thank you for all of your support, your love, and the way you inspire me and the people around you to be better people. I look forward to everything the future holds for us . . .

32 Weeks!

This week was packed with excite- ment! First we bought a new car, then it was Christmas Eve, then Christmas Day, then lots of events with family in town, and tomorrow is Damien's birthday. All of this brings us to today which happens to be a HUGE day in my world. I am 32 weeks! It feels amazing to be at this point in the pregnancy. It has been a lot of work to get to this point, but it feels great that no matter what, no one can take this away from me. I will just keep moving forward and making this baby healthier with each day!

As I said earlier, this week has been jam packed with craziness. First off, we got a new car. Yes, my friends . . . we took the plunge and got a mini van. Call me a soccer mom, call me whatever you want. I love it and all it has to offer. The space in this van is amazing! I used to drive a Honda Accord which fit our family of 4 just fine. But it was difficult to take anyone else in the car with 2 booster seats in the back seat (Just ask my family how it felt to cram between the 2 seats when they were down to visit). We bought a new 2006 Toyota Sienna. Damien and I couldn't be happier and the kids love it, too. I wanted to make sure that we bought it before the baby arrived, so it is one more thing I can check off my mental 'To Do List'.

Christmas Eve was really nice. Since I am, in a lot of ways home-bound, Damien cooked a fabulous dinner for our little family. We read the kids passages from the Bible about Jesus' birth and talked about the real meaning of Christmas. We made cookies for Santa and made sure we had some carrots for the reindeer (pictured above). We put the kids to sleep and Damien and I took a few minutes to just sit and enjoy the Christmas tree and reflect on how blessed we truly are. Sure, this Christmas Eve was scaled down but when you are surrounded by your family, when you see the wonder of Christmas in your children's eyes, suddenly the spirit of the season wraps you up and makes you forget what is going on around you.

Christmas Day was really fun. The kids woke us up around 7:20 a.m. and couldn't wait to go downstairs to see if Santa had come. When we came down the stairs, Claire started screaming and Michael sprinted to his stocking and gifts. It was a Christmas morning to remember! We sat together and opened presents until the once full tree was bare. We had a nice breakfast and then enjoyed the visit from Damien's sister, Heather. I worked in a lot of bedrest in the morning and afternoon so that I would be able to go out later in the evening to my in-law's temporary apartment for Christmas dinner. It was a packed house and a lot of fun. I spent a great deal of time on one of the beds in the bedroom with my sister-in-law Jocelyn who was recovering from her ACL surgery. So the two of us bonded in bedrest together and watched "A Christmas Story" while trying to occupy the kids while dinner was being prepared. The dinner was delicious and the whole gang gathered afterward to exchange gifts and bring the night to a close.

Since then, we have been laying low at our house. We have been trying to get the kids back on a schedule (instead of going to bed at 11pm, we are shooting for 9pm), I have been focusing on not creating any pregnancy drama, Damien has been busy with work and keeping the house from falling apart, Damien's parents have been frequenting our house and keeping us fed and the laundry situation under control, his sisters and brothers have been by to keep me company and take the kids bowling (basically get them out of the house so they don't get cabin fever), and the kids and I are getting ready to celebrate Damien's 31st birthday tomorrow.

We have been very busy, but are so thankful for making it to 32 weeks! It is a great feeling to be here and I hope to get at least a few more weeks on the couch with the baby in my tummy. My next doctor's appointment is Tuesday and we hope to get more good news. I am doing pretty well with the bedrest but must admit that at times, I feel like the walls around me are closing in. But that is nothing that a few peanut m&ms can't fix! I am trying to continue to have a good attitude and work on getting through this one day at a time. The kids start school next week and it will be good to get back on a schedule again. Before we know it, we will be sitting here with a beautiful little baby and shaking our heads when we think back to the crazy holiday season we had. And I bet for a brief moment, I will look back fondly on my bedrest and wish that I could just lay on the couch all day instead of walking around all day like a sleep deprived new mommy! Here's to the rest of my unpredictable ride!

Staying Consistent

I went to the doctor yesterday and was a bit nervous because my doctor was out for the week and I had to see a different doctor. Would their observations be the same? Would she know what was going on with me? We waited a full 2 hours to be seen (who would think the OBGYN waiting room would be full the day after Christmas?).

My doctor is very even tempered and soft spoken. When the new doctor came in, she couldn't have been more different! The one thing that I did know about the replacement doctor is that she was a good doctor. She started her exam and I was trying not to worry about the quick and non-gentle approach she was taking. I kept thinking, "Doesn't she know how fragile I am? That my doctor is so careful to gentle and not disturb anything?". But apparently, she knows that you don't need to be too gentle because I survived it without a problem. My cervix measured long and the stitches are still holding (yeah!). The baby looked good and as quickly as she came in, she was gone. Damien and I then looked at each other, confident in her diagnosis, and laughed for a second. Talk about 'Wham Bam Thank You Maam'! I made some more appointments and Damien and I went out for some lunch. We had dropped the kids off at Damien's parents hotel so we had some quiet time afterward.

This doctor was very hopeful about my situation. She said things look great and I should be able to get through the pregnancy to a great place. My doctor doesn't give me too much hope, and it is smart of her, because I know as well as anyone that one day things look great and the next day can be a whole different story. So here's to more modified bedrest, good holiday TV, and the hope that we get to 32 weeks without a hitch.

Swendsen "Cousin Christmas" 2006

This post is a little late, but I wanted to make sure I included it! Last Saturday (Dec. 16th) we had the 3rd Annual Cousin Christmas at our house. It is a great way for the cousins to get together and celebrate before Christmas arrives. So far, the tradition includes making and frosting sugar cookies, exchanging gifts between the cousins, and this year my nephew Brennan, thought it a was a great idea to institute face painting with frosting! It was a great day and everyone had a lot of fun. Michael and Claire were so happy to see their cousins Seamus, Megan, and Brennan and exchange gifts.

Christmas can be so overwhelming for kids. A lot of people buy them gifts and they get so overstimulated that it is hard for them to focus on any one thing. So by exchanging gifts with their cousins before Christmas, it allows them to fully enjoy the experience of togetherness, gift giving and making memories. Jocelyn wasn't able to make it here this year due to knee surgery (ACL) but was here in spirit. Besides, she got to see Brennan's stained shirt when he got home, so she knew fun was had by all. Thanks to Marlene, Mark, Lani, Eric, Seamus, Megan, Mark, Brennan, Damien, Michael, and Claire for making the Cousin Christmas so memorable. (And for making lunch, baking the cookies, and doing dishes so I could lie on the couch!).

31 Weeks

(Picture of Natalie with the kids)

This week flew by. Maybe it was because my little sister, Natalie, was here helping us out for the week (which was awesome!). Maybe it was because of the Christmas rush. What I suspect is that there was so much anticipation for me to be 30 weeks that while we were taking a deep breath, 31 crept in. I am so thankful to be 31 weeks along. Just one more week until I hit the doctor's goal of 32 weeks. Babies born at 32 weeks generally don't have any developmental delays. They baby would be approximately 4 lbs. and relatively healthy.

If I do make it to 32 weeks, my ultimate goal would be 35 weeks. At that point if I were to go into labor, they would most likely not stop it and let nature take it's course. 35 weeks was the point in which I was released from bedrest and the hospital with Claire and they took me off all preventative medication. I am still anxious and a bit nervous about having this baby early, but have faith in the doctors and professionals helping to oversee this pregnancy.

As 2006 is rapidly coming to a close, I keep reflecting on the long road I have travelled to get this far in the pregnancy. My hope and prayer would be to have a 2007 baby and I will continue to be as vigilant and dedicated to bedrest and staying pregnant as I can be. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone!

Home For The Holidays

After I had Claire in September of 2002, I remember being so relieved to be away from the hospital, to be able to regain some strength and say 'goodbye' to bedrest. It was a really trying time and I found a lot of healing in the many hours I stared into the eyes of my brand new little girl after the fact. But weeks removed from the situation, my mind soon went back to the women on bedrest in the hospital. I thought of them on Thanksgiving and by the time the Christmas season was upon me, I felt a need to do something for them. After all, the holidays are a hard time to be away from your family. In lieu of some of my Christmas gifts, I asked my family to donate to the cause of these women so that I could get gift bags with bedrest goodies for them (lotion, crossword puzzles, candy, etc.). I was overwhelmed by my family's response to help these women. I called the head nurse on the high risk floor to find out how many women were there and went to gather my supplies. The next day, Damien, the kids, and I went to the hospital to deliver the gift bags. To my surprise, a lot of the women didn't want visitors and so I had to leave the bags with the head nurse. To those that allowed me to deliver the bags personally, it was an experience I will never forget.

Walking into the rooms where the women were staying was surreal. Not so long ago, I was one of these women, yet as I looked at them I felt so far removed from their situation. God gives us an amazing ability to forget certain difficult experiences once we get through them. I thought I would walk in these rooms and see the image of me lying there, but I didn't. I looked at them like I had never done a day of bedrest in my entire life! I wondered if I had looked that way to some of the women who visited me when I was there. It was nice to strike up conversations with them and hear how they were doing. I told them all about my situation and tried as best I could to instill a glimmer of hope in their hearts. I encouraged them to keep going even though they wanted to quit. I tried to let them know that the work they were doing was so important and it was going to be so worth it in the end when they held their babies in their arms. I met a lot of strong and amazing women that day, but one woman in particular left me with a feeling I don't think I will ever forget. She was a young woman who was pregnant with her first child and in pretty bad shape. She was only 21 weeks along, which is well before viability, and had such an uphill battle to fight. The look in her eyes was one of hopelessness and I struggled to find the words to comfort her. In this very moment, I realized how lucky I was. With Michael's pregnancy we were so naive to the dangers which hid around every corner. We weren't educated on prematurity and the little we knew fell between the cracks in the translation from French to English. After spending so much time in the hospital with Claire, we were educated on many of these dangers and knew what was at risk with our pregnancy and our baby. I know that young woman saw through my cheery wishes. Sometimes, there isn't enough cheer to make a situation better. She would be lucky if she would last long enough for her baby to survive and this was what separated us. I didn't know that kind of fear. She knew that I had no idea how it felt to be her and no matter what my gift bag held for her, I had never walked a day in her shoes.

I left the hospital feeling surprisingly depressed that day. Sad for so many of the women on that hospital floor who wouldn't have the great results that I had. I realized then that no matter how hard I tried to help them, to brighten their spirits, only some of them could be helped that day. I can't blame the women who didn't want to see me. During my first week in the hospital with Claire at 24 weeks, I was in no mood to see people that weren't family, let alone strangers. The trip to the hospital was a humbling experience. I am a pretty positive person and feel drawn to opportunities in which I can help other people. But on this day, I realized that sometimes people just can't be helped. Sometimes the only solution to a problem is getting through the difficult times one day at a time. But what got me through was knowing that my difficult journey was with God. And no matter how dark the days were, I knew they would get brighter.

After visiting these women, I thought about how terrible it would be if I was on bedrest during the holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas). When we found out we were pregnant in May, I got out my calendar and looked to see when I would probably be going on bedrest. Sure enough, bedrest fell right during the holidays. However, now that I am in the middle of my bedrest, I am finding that doing bedrest during this time isn't so bad. For one, there is a lot going on which takes my mind off the monotony of bedrest. There is Christmas shopping to be done (all online this year), Christmas cards to write, good holiday TV to watch, and from my perch on the couch- I get to see my beautiful Christmas tree and decorations. I am praying that I can get through Christmas without the birth of my baby, but feel thankful to have had so much to focus on during these last 6/7 weeks. I will be 31 weeks tomorrow and thank God for blessing me with patience, strength, and peace this Christmas season. It is certainly a Christmas season I will never forget. And for the women who are in the hospital and are fighting so hard to stay pregnant, I pray that they can find peace with the difficulty of being on bedrest. I hope they recognize their selflessness and dedication to their unborn children and pray that they will be given the grace and strength to carry their pregnancies to a safe place.

The Greatest Gift

Last night I found myself lying in bed with butterflies in my stomach. I was really anxious to see what would happen the next day at my doctor's appointment. The good news is that for the first time, I wasn't scared of what might happen at the appointment. I think the fact that I am 30 weeks along gives me some much needed confidence that all of this might just turn out okay in the end. One of these weeks, I am going to get news I don't want to hear. I am doing really well with modified bedrest right now and am able to feel like I still have a life. My anxiety was over whether or not I would be put on full bedrest today or not. No one wants to be put on full bedrest. It is really restricting and frankly, boring. However, if the doctor told me it was time, then I would rise to the occasion and make my new home on the couch.

The appointment went well. First she did the Fetal Fibronectin test again (which I get every two weeks). Then she did an examination and said that it felt like the stitch was still holding, which is great. Then she did an ultrasound and she said that things hadn't changed since last week, which is really encouraging. The baby looked great and was making breathing movements which is an indicator of the baby's well being. We learned this week that the length of my cervix isn't as significant as it has been in prior weeks. It isn't a true indicator of how I am doing and since I am already on modified bedrest, the only change would be going from modifed to full bedrest. What matters is if the stitch (cerclage) is holding or failing. And since it is holding and things look good, she said she'd see me next week! We had to drop off the Fetal Fibronectin test at a lab and my doctor told me that I would hear the results from her before 6pm. The appointment at the office was good, now we would just wait for the lab results. The day went by smoothly but I was still nervous about the results. Finally at 6pm I called and told the office I hadn't heard back from them. They looked at my charts and told me that the test had come back negative!!! So, I shouldn't go into labor in the next 2 weeks, which would get me to 32 1/2 weeks. I am so hopeful that this is true and feel refreshed and ready to get through this week!

We are all so excited for Christmas. The spirit of the season has filled our home and our hearts as we wait for Christmas and the birth of Jesus. My grandmother wrote me a card this Christmas and told me how special it was to not only be waiting for the birth of Jesus, but for the birth of our baby as well. It is so easy to be swept up in the spirit of Christmas and to focus on the gifts, the food, and Santa. I was very thankful to be reminded by her to keep my focus on the true meaning of Christmas. This is a Christmas I am sure I will never forget. The thought of being home with my husband and children on this special day is truly amazing. And the greatest gift I could receive this Christmas is still being pregnant.

30 Weeks!

I am having a hard time containing my excitement this morning. I can't believe it! 30 weeks. Mentally, this is huge for me. In order to get through this pregnancy, I have continually set some mental goals. My first goal was to get to 25 weeks, then 28 weeks, then 30 weeks, and then 32 weeks. Most of these goals were based on the baby's well being. For instance at 25 weeks, the baby could live outside the womb. At 28 weeks, the risk of brain damage decreases if born. 30 weeks is more mental for me- finally turning the corner toward the finish line . . . birth. And finally, at 32 weeks, there are many studies which show that babies born at this gestation tend to not have any developmental delays. At 35 weeks, you can have your baby and take him/her home so that would be huge! So there you have it, a clear picture of how my brain works.

I try not to compare this pregnancy to my past pregnancies, but it is really hard not to do. Last night as I sat on the couch with Damien, we pondered the thought that I was almost 30 weeks, still at home, and only on modified bedrest. The whole scenario seems so bizarre to us. Thank you cerclage! This pregnancy has gone so well and has been manageable. The kids are doing great and really aren't affected at all by my bedrest. I hate to brag, but they are really such great kids. They are so in tune with my pregnancy and sense that I have to be really careful. If something drops on the floor, they will tell me not to bend over and run over and pick it up for me. They keep an eye on my water cup and if it looks low or is empty, they will ask if they could fill it up. They pray for the baby and for mommy every night at prayer and are so excited about the baby being born.

In the beginning of the pregnancy, my heart was constantly heavy with the thought that if something went terribly wrong with the pregnancy, the kids would be crushed. We told them about the pregnancy at 14 weeks and until I was 25 weeks, a lot of my pregnancy stress was because I didn't want to have to give them bad news. So now, to be 30 weeks, I am so happy to be in a good place and join the kids in their excitement to meet little Emily or Matthew. Their sweet innocent questions, talking to the baby through my tummy, and overall excitement to meet their new sibling has filled my heart with such happiness and peace. Soon this baby will be born into a family who is ready and waiting with open arms, to love and nurture him/her.

I am still very hopeful that I will be able to carry this pregnancy into 2007. The bigger and healthier the baby, the better it will be. I go into the doctor this Tuesday and will find out more about how things are really going in there! Maybe I will be put on full bedrest, maybe I won't. I will do whatever it takes to keep this pregnancy going, even it that means being hospitalized or spending all day on the couch or bed. When this is all over, and I hold that beautiful baby in my arms, I want to know that I did everything I could to give him/her the greatest chance to be a healthy, chubby baby.

Stay In There Baby!

Yesterday was my weekly doctor's appointment. We changed to Mondays after last weeks appointment. I was really anxious to go to this appointment because I wanted to see what my first week of modified bedrest did for the pregnancy. The appointment started off with my weekly progesterone shot and then the doctor came in to see how we were doing. She was thrilled that I was 29 weeks and was anxious to see what kind of shape I was in. If you remember, last week my cervical length was 2.4 cm. She examined me first and felt that the cerclage was still intact, but that the cervix was soft and gathered around the cerclage. Then she went in with the ultrasound and measured my length this week. It was 1.7 cm. She said that my cervix is no longer holding the baby in, instead the cerclage is doing all the work. Basically the cervix is not going completely away ONLY because the cerclage is in there. She said that if I didn't have the cerclage, I would most definetely be dilated. Thank God for the cerclage!

So why the decline in cervical length if I am on modified bedrest? The only way I can describe it is by using Claire's pregnancy as an example. When I was admitted to the hospital at 24 weeks with Claire, I wasn't dilated. For 73 days I lay in a hospital bed getting up only to go the bathroom. But when I was discharged at 35 weeks, I was 5 cm dilated. So even without gravity or movement, my cervix dilated. The same thing will happen with this pregnancy. I am not up and moving a lot, but the mere fact that the baby and my uterus is growing and crowding my body, will shorten my cervix. Eventually, I won't have much cervix left and the doctor said it will get paper thin.

The baby looked great and was making breathing movements (which is a major sign in a baby's well-being). She feels good because she thinks this baby is big and will be my biggest yet. She told me to go ahead and do another week on modified bedrest and we will re-evaluate next week. Next week I will take the Fetal Fibronectin again and hope that we get another negative result.

I am really excited to turn 30 Weeks this Saturday! I will be happy to leave the 20s behind and start inching closer to the birth of this baby! The stitches (cerclage) I have dissolves around 36/37 weeks so we are getting closer. My doctor had another high risk patient with an incompetent cervix earlier this year who was able to get to 37 weeks. She went in to take out the stitches and 15 minutes later, the baby was presenting! So . . . I am just excited to stop talking about the drama with the pregnancy and instead, talk about this baby coming into our lives. It has been a long road, but I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Little Emily or Matthew will soon be in our family and all of the work to get him/her here will have been more than worth it.

My next doctor's appointment is Tuesday the 19th and we will have more information then. But for now, as always, we'll be thankful for our blessings and keep praying that this baby is given more time before it comes into this world. To repeat the words that Damien speaks into my tummy every night, "I love you baby. Stay in there!".

29 Weeks

Yeah! 29 weeks and still at home. As I left my doctor's appointment last Monday, she said, "Have a boring week!". In other words, she hoped my week would be uneventful and not hear from me until my next appointment. Well, I made it another week and find myself feeling accomplished but overwhelmed at the same time. Part of this 'pregnancy amnesia' I talk about is forgetting how incredibly long pregnancy is. For instance, I have been pregnant since May. May! It seems extra long because what keeps me sane is exercise and I haven't taken a walk since week 10. Playing sports, going for a run, getting out in the fresh air is my kind of medicine for keeping me happy and well adjusted. I have found ways of coping with this 'cabin fever' but I am so looking forward to being able to move again!

With Claire, I gained a lot of weight. Of course, a lot of it was from being on bedrest in the hospital, but I was able to lose it all and feel good again. Much of the same will be true with this pregnancy too. Sure, I am not in the hospital, but I don't move! If we go to the mall or leave the house, I am in the wheelchair. So I am trying to embrace it all and stay positive. Today, after my parents left, I was able to go to my nephew's birthday party and it was great to get out of the house. It was nice to get some perspective and realize that at 29 weeks, I may be on partial bedrest, but I still have a life (which wasn't true in the hospital with Claire's pregnancy).

I feel good today and am so anxious to get to 30 weeks which will be HUGE for us! At this point in the pregnancy, the baby is approximately 16 inches long and about 3 pounds. While this isn't a point where I would be okay with having the baby, it is a great place to be for the moment. Each day, the baby is growing bigger and getting stronger. It gives me great strength and motivation to know that with each passing day, I am getting closer to meeting this little baby who hiccups and kicks me all day long.

Hank You Nonna and Grandpa

What a week it has been! When my parents flew in this past Sunday, I was still in the hospital and hoping I would be released in time to see them! Unfortuately, I wasn't there when they landed or when they got to my house and saw the kids . . . but I was released from the hospital soon after and met them there. I couldn't believe the timing of my hospital visit, but I managed to find some peace with it because if something went wrong, at least they were there to help me. Lucky for all of us, I was soon home and we were catching up. My mom came to visit 3 weeks ago, but I hadn't seen my dad since August so it was a thrill to just sit on the couch and catch up.

We packed a lot into the week. We went to a Christmas celebration downtown, did some shopping, went out to dinner a few times, I went to a doctor's appointment with my Mom, the kids and Nonna made dozens of cookies, and my parents had their "Christmas Celebration" with the kids because they won't see them until after the first of the year. My parents took the kids to and from school, made lunches and dinners (okay, my mom did), played games with the kids (Michael smoked Grandpa in Memory), and most importantly kept me company and kept my mind off laying on the couch!!

Some of the highlights of the week were listening to the things the kids would say to my parents. Claire's way of telling them how much she loved them was saying, "I Love You More Than Bunnies". Grandpa enjoyed it when Claire would say, "Hank You" (instead of thank you). Michael stayed consistant with saying, "For real?" over and over. The "Good Sport" award went to my dad as he watched, The View, every morning with me and my Mom. But the story of the week was when Michael went up to my dad the second day they were here and asked him if he wanted to get a table and chairs to help sell his Spiderman comic books to Venom (one of Spiderman's enemies). My dad said to him, "But Spiderman isn't real." Michael assured him that he was real because he came to his birthday party this past year. Michael walked away and then came back a few minutes later and asked my dad, "Grandpa, do you believe in God?". My dad said, "Yes." He thought for a second and said, "Then Grandpa . . . believe in Spiderman." My dad was so touched by their conversation and felt at that very moment that they had connected.

I am sad that they are leaving, but feel like the week was full of such special quality time. The kids loved having Nonna and Grandpa here and my parents loved being here, too. Hanks for the memories.

Nothing Like A Little Holiday Drama

First off, everything is okay! We had a bit of a
scare yesterday, but we are back on track now. It all started on Saturday when I went to the hospital to get my second shot of Betamethasone (steroids for the baby's lungs). That went smoothly, but then when I came home, I started to get really red on my face, arms, and chest. I called Labor and Delivery and told them about the reaction I was having, but they told me wait it out. So I laid down for a while, still experiencing the redness and it continued throughout the late evening. What eventually alarmed me the most was that later in the evening, I was unable to feel the baby moving in my tummy. I tried to just take it easy and wait it out, but at 2:30 a.m. and after waiting hours to feel movement, I called the doctor to see what I should do. She told me to try and sleep and if I still didn't feel the baby in the morning, to go into Labor and Delivery again.

I awoke at 8:00 a.m. with the same pit in my stomach that I had gone to bed with, and because I still felt no movement, we loaded the kids into the car and headed to the hospital. My brother and sister in law met us there and took the kids to their house and Damien and I went up to Labor and Delivery to be examined. They put me on a heart rate and contraction monitor and it was such a relief to hear the strong heartbeat of the baby. Still no movement, but a heart rate was great! Upon doing this non-stress test, they noticed that I was having some contractions and that my uterus was very irritable. Because they know my history (which freaks a lot of people out), they were concerned and gave me a shot and some medication to calm my uterus down and hopefully stop the contractions. For a few moments, I feared that they would keep me and I would be starting my 'in the hospital bedrest journey'. I just kept hoping and praying that things would calm down, and they did. I was given the Fetal fibronectin test again and it came back negative, so that means that labor shouldn't be on it's way in the next 2 weeks, which is good! I will take that again in 2 weeks to see what the next result is. We also realized after 5 hours of monitoring, that when I finally changed position in the hospital bed, that my uterus was much calmer. So it was a small scare to say the least, but now we have some more solid confirmation that things are really going well.

I went in today to my regular doctor and got my shot of progesterone and she thought since I was there, and considering my visit to the hospital yesterday, that they should go ahead and do an ultrasound and see if the contractions changed the cervical length. It was nice, because my Mom was with me so she would at least get another chance to see the baby. But upon examination, there was no difference from last week's appointment and so things are back to normal. Modified bedrest and a renewed confidence that despite the irritability and Braxton Hicks contractions yesterday, everything is going as well as planned.

For those of you that count on my Friday appointment reports, we have changed the day that I see the doctor to Monday's so I won't be going in for another exam until next Monday. Until then . . .

The Nutcracker

This past Thursday evening, we drove an hour north to Walnut Creek to watch Damien's mom, Marlene, perform in a version of the Nutcracker. Many years ago, she wrote a narration to the Nutcracker and has been performing it ever since. Because Marlene used to be a ballerina and then taught ballet for many years, it feels very natural for her to be on the stage. Every year, the kids look forward to watching "E" (that's what they call her) at the Nutcracker. This year was no different. It was a very nice night and the kids were mesmerized watching the dancers, the King Mouse, and E onstage. The kids both were on the edges of their seats and did pretty well during the hour long show. Claire couldn't help but perform a few ballerina poses and Michael was most concerned about the well being of the mice and the Nutcracker. It was a wonderful night!

28 Weeks

Today I am 28 weeks! A great milestone, but not a place where I want this pregnancy to end. Day 2 of modified bedrest started out with me checking into the hospital this morning to receive the last of 2 shots of betamethasone. The kids were really excited to come to the hospital with us, but knew that we weren't there to to have the baby. When I got up to Labor and Delivery, we had to wait a minute to find out what room we were going to be in. The coolest part of the whole experience was that as we were walking into our room, the doctor in the next room delivered a little baby right when we were walking by. We heard the doctor say, "And here she is!". Then the baby started to cry little baby cries. The kids couldn't believe it! They didn't think it was real, but we told them that they just heard the first noise that the baby made and they were so giddy!

As we waited in our room to register and for the nurse to draw the medication, the kids looked around and figured everything out about the room from the little baby bed to the bed I would be laying in. I think that the visit to the hospital made this pregnancy even more real to them and they were so excited about eventually meeting their new brother or sister! After our big outing, I retreated to the couch for my bedrest and Damien went shopping for groceries. Boy- are we having fun these days!

I found myself getting a little overwhelmed last night about the prospect of bedrest. I completely understand that modified bedrest is not that big of a deal, but I think that in my mind it is just the start to the craziness that might be around the corner. Of course, I take some peace in knowing that the baby is getting bigger and that we are in a good place, but it is still hard to settle down and rest when I really want to be up and moving. For all of you worriers out there, I am resting even more than I should be! What gives me great perspective is that in Claire's pregnancy, I had already spent 28 days on full bedrest in the hospital, had gone into labor, and faced some pretty serious health issues. So when you look at it this way, to just be starting partial bedrest is awesome. I just hope it continues for a while.

So, here is to another good week! My parents come into town tomorrow (Sunday) and stay for a week so it will be a great way for me to feel supported and help me pass the time to my next appointment on Friday. I am so excited to see them and my kids are beyond anxious to have them in our house!

Modified Bedrest Is Here

Well, the day has finally come. No matter how much we prayed or wished for things to stay as perfect as it has been . . . this day was coming. When I woke up this morning, I made a concerted effort to say out loud, "I am walking and am not on bedrest in December!". The reason I did this is that we had a pretty good idea that at this morning's appointment, we would be put on bedrest. The wait was long this morning and we were seen and hour and fifteen minutes late. To be truthful, it was nice to have some time to just talk with Damien and prepare ourselves for whatever news we might hear when the doctor came in. I try and schedule my doctor appointments when the kids are in school so I am not too distracted. So the long wait didn't really bother me.

When she came in, she was happy to hear that I had a quiet week and that there weren't any pressing issues to deal with (i.e. cramping, spotting, anything out of the ordinary). Every appointment, we go through the same three steps: First, she does an internal exam where she feels my cervix and the stitches to see if there are any changes. Upon doing this today, she said that we did have a change from last week, but that the cerclage (stitches) were still intact and holding which is really good! Second, she performs a trans-abdominal ultrasound to look at the baby and make sure that the heart rate is good and that there is adequate amniotic fluid. This test went well. And third, she does a trans-vaginal ultrasound where they go internally with a different ultrasound instrument and measure the cervical length on the computer screen. Step 3 was what put me on modified bedrest. Once the cervical length measures 2.5 cm or less, modified bedrest is a must. And today, the measurement was 2.39 cm. So, after almost 28 weeks of pregnancy and waiting weekly for the other shoe to drop, it finally did.

We are in really good spirits despite the change. Why you might ask? Well, for those that are familiar with premature birth, the first MAJOR milestone is getting the baby to 28 weeks (which is tomorrow). Also, if you look at my previous pregnancies, you realize that I never had any cervical length past 24 weeks. At 24 weeks with Michael's pregnancy I was dilated to 2cm, and with Claire's pregnancy I had no cervical length left at 24 weeks and was admitted to the hospital on full bedrest in both cases. So how can I complain or be unhappy with the fact that I am almost 28 weeks and in such great shape? The cerclage is definitly working and neither I, nor the baby, are in any imminent danger. The closer I get to my due date, the more drama we will face. So the doctors, Damien and I expected the tide to turn today.

At my appointment, I was administered the first of two shots of betamethasone, which is a steroid that once shot into my system goes directly to the baby's lungs to make them more mature in case of premature labor. I will get the next shot tomorrow at the hospital and find some peace that on the off chance labor does come, the baby is protected as much as possible. In both Michael and Claire's pregnancies, they both received the steroids at 24 weeks. Because Claire was eventually born full term, it was great to get them, but it made no difference because she was so healthy when she was born. But in the case of Michael and his being born at 25 weeks, it made more difference than we will ever know. He was on oxygen for a total of 3 months, but was able to come home without any oxygen support and has no long term lung complications (which is quite rare for what he has been through).

I know that the reality of the situation will hit me soon, but because I have been preparing emotionally for this change, I feel like I am in a good place. I have to lay down for 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. I can still be brought out of the house in a wheelchair and walk around the house in the evening. My doctor was very insistent that I try and do normal things as much as I can. So I am looking forward to going out to dinner and seeing the outside world in the evenings. I can find great perspective in my situation because of everything I have been through with my other two children and their pregnancies. While no one wants to go on bedrest, I am certainly not scared of it. After all of this hard work, and a little pregnancy amnesia :) , I will have a beautiful baby in my arms and all of the hard or trying times will have been more than worth it. We are getting so much more excited to meet this baby with each and every passing day. And I will have plenty of time to think about this excitement from the couch as I do my best to make this baby the healthiest he or she can be.

27 Weeks

Well, believe it or not, I made it another week without bedrest. Because I am seen weekly by my doctor, we were a little concerned on how I would been seen this week due to the holiday and the offices being closed. My doctor said that she would come in on her own time and open up the office just to see us! So the morning after Thanksgiving, we met our doctor as planned for our appointment. We feel so blessed that she is so invested in the success of our pregnancy that she takes time out of her own life, to ensure the safety and well-being of ours.

The ultrasound looked good and thankfully, I still have enough cervix intact to keep me from going on partial bedrest. However, she did let us know that there is a good possibility that next week will be the week I go on bedrest. But because of the good results this week, I will get into December before I go down. I never in a million years thought that a cerclage could be so effective, especially considering the outcomes of my other pregnancies. But here I am again, feeling so lucky and blessed to be so healthy. The baby looked great and I posted a picture on this page to show you Baby #3's profile at 26+ weeks (click on the image to make it bigger). I still have no vibe on the sex of the baby, but he/she sure is cute!

Something new at this weeks appointment was a test called a Fetal Fibronectin screen. It is a swab they take from the cervix to detect a certain chemical which is a precursor to labor. If the chemical is present and the test comes back positive, you will most likely go into labor within the coming 2 weeks. With a positive result I would have to go directly to the hospital, be given steroid shots for the baby's lungs, and be admitted and observed. Then I would be on full bedrest from this point (in the hospital or at home). If the test comes back negative, you wait another week and take it again. Good news for us . . . our test came back negative! So we got a great report this week all around and will just take it easy and see what next week brings.

A Thanksgiving to Remember

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. Because of the unpredictability of my condition, and because I am summoned to stay close to home, the Swendsen clan traveled south to have Thanksgiving at our house. We have always wanted to host a holiday and jumped at the chance to bake our first turkey and entertain. So we prepared to pack 20 people into our house for a warm and toasty celebration.

The day before- we celebrated with the kids at their preschool for their Thanksgiving Feast. Michael opted to be a Pilgrim and Claire an Indian. It was very cute and I was so happy that I was feeling good and given the chance to experience yet another event with the kids. There was no real program, they just put on the hats they had made in class and then lined up to eat turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, and some fruit salad. Claire was especially proud because her class made the fruit salad and her teacher told me that she chopped and chopped all morning. Miss Ellen asked her how she knew how to chop and she said that her Mommy does it all day long. I am not sure about that and I certainly haven't been chopping anything these days!

Thanksgiving morning, I put on the Macy's Day Parade and tried to encourage the kids to sit and watch, but Michael told me there was just too much talking and not enough kid stuff on it. So we watched it on Tivo a little later so I could fast forward through the interviews and let them watch the performances and balloons. They liked it, but not as much as I thought they would.

We figured out a game plan for the meal and put the turkey in at noon and hoped for the best! We completely transformed our kitchen/eating area and were able to set tables to sit 20. It was looking good! Thankfully, Damien's sisters came down early and were able to watch the kids and help Damien clean and get ready because truthfully, I am pretty useless these days! I sat on a stool when I was in the kitchen and laid down to rest quite a bit (thanks to their help!). People came at about 4:30 and the house smelled wonderful! We had appetizers and drinks, and then we ate around 5:45 p.m. The turkey turned out great! Damien was quite proud because it was his first try and it was a success! Everything was great except someone lit a fire in our fireplace without opening the flue (it was pretty smokey and set the fire alarm off), a cloth napkin caught on fire at the dinner table after being placed on top of a votive, and to top off the fire hazards, a name tag got into a votive and started on fire, too. Needless to say that after the third offense, I kindly asked that everyone blow out the candles on their tables.

It was a very nice evening and I have to give Damien some serious credit for pulling off such a successful event. Anyone that knows me, knows that I love to entertain and put on a party! So, needless to say, it was hard for me to relinquish control and take a back seat on Thanksgiving. Not only did he cook, set up the tables, and serve the dinner, but he also stayed up until 2:00 a.m. with his sister Heavenly and washed all the dishes, mopped the floors, and vacuumed. When I came down the next morning, it looked like nothing had ever taken place in our house. It was spotless. I appreciate everyone's efforts this Thanksgiving and thank you for letting me have a wonderful holiday without having to stress or do too much.

I Love My Mom

Sometimes you don't know what you need until someone gives it to you. Throughout the last few weeks, okay months, I have been getting through the days and trying to keep my life together. Amidst this craziness, I have pushed a lot of my emotions aside so that I am able to stay positive and move forward. Last Sunday, I picked up my Mom at the airport and was really excited to see her. I haven't seen her since August and back them I was still blonde, the kids weren't in school yet, and I wasn't showing at all. A lot has changed since then! So, you can only imagine how unbelieveable it was to be able to share all of these new things with my Mom! When we picked her up, she look great and we were ready for 8 days with her! The kids squeeled from the back seat and yelled, Nonna! (Nonna is 'grandma' in Italian and it is what they call her.)

We went directly to Starbucks and then to mass and it was so peaceful to have her there with me. My sister, Jill, had her first baby in October and while it was thrilling to be pregnant with her, I didn't want my family to leave her and come and visit- just in case they missed the birth of her first child. So everyone was on a holding pattern and after Kyle's was born in October, we planned a trip down for my Mom. When we booked the trip, we were sure that she would be coming down here to help us with the kids because I would be on bedrest. But much to everyone's surprise, I was still up and walking. I was able to do normal things with her and just enjoy her company. She brought the kids to school with me, pushed me in a wheelchair (just to be careful) around the mall and other stores, and got to come to my 2 doctor's appointments and see the baby! We were spoiled with her home cooked meals and appreciated every ounce of help around the house. By the end of the trip, Damien asked her how much she charged per hour to keep the house up and running! Her help was tremendous and we really needed and appreciated everything she did.

Because my Mom was here for 8 days, there was a lot of time to relax and enjoy life. She was here for my birthday (which was great) and we never felt rushed or ready for the trip to end. Instead, when it was time for her to go home, it felt okay. Sure, I would rather she stay here forever, but the trip and the priceless time we had to share in eachother's company, without the pressure of bedrest or any baby drama, was perfect. I feel renewed both spiritually and mentally after my Mom's visit. She was there everyday when I was on bedrest in the hospital with Claire, and she reminded me how truly lucky and blessed I am to still be pregnant and walking. I am looking forward to both my Mom and Dad visiting in December for an early Christmas with Damien, myself and the kids.

Mom, thank you for everything you did for us this past week. I know that it was such a thrill for you to see me, Damien and the kids- but we cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have you all to ourselves for 8 straight days. I love you, Mom!

26 Weeks and Walking!

Yes, that's right. It was a great doctor's appointment today! I was really excited to take my mom to the appointment so that she could see the baby on the ultrasound. We know that at one of these appointments, we are going to get the news that I am on bedrest. So we went into this one- the way we always do, ready for anything. My mom was so happy to see the baby's face and arms and she promised me that if given the chance to peak at the gender- she wouldn't. The baby looked great. Lots of movement this week and the baby was head down. And when the doctor informed us that things looked great, we just took a deep breath and were speechless. After all we've been through in the past; it is amazing to be in this place. A healthy baby and no imminent danger. A lot of our friends and family will tell us, "You'll go full term" or "You won't go on bedrest until after the first of the year", we shrug it off because it is just too hard to live outside the realm of the coming week. I think this is part of the reason why we do so well emotionally when it comes to high risk pregnancies. We know that it is important to be hopeful, but we are grounded in the idea that we need to live day by day, week to week, and be ready for anything! But apparently, we can relax for a brief moment and find some peace that we are okay for now. It is amazing to me that I wasn't on bedrest for my birthday, and that I will be able to celebrate Thanksgiving on my feet! So, I will enjoy these accomplishments and press reset on my brain in a few moments and prepare yet again, for another appointment.

A Great Birthday

Today is my birthday and it is a good day! For many months now, I knew that my birthday was going to intersect with my 25th week of pregnancy. I often wondered if I would celebrate my birthday at home on bedrest, in the hospital on bedrest, or in the NICU with a new little baby. The one little option I failed to recognize is that I might spend my birthday on my feet!

My mom flew down this Sunday to 'help me with the kids while I was on bedrest'. We had booked this trip a month ago trying to figure out coverage for my children once I went on bedrest. She would sure be a good help, and as an added bonus, she would be here for my birthday. So you can only imagine how wonderful it feels to not be on bedrest and have my birthday be the most important event of the day. She had lit my favorite candle and brewed some decaf coffee for me before I came downstairs this morning. On the kitchen table was a pile of gifts from my parents and my sisters and it was then that I realized that today was going to be a really great day! We went to out to lunch at one of my favorite lunch restaurants (Tomatina's), came back and watched a movie during the kids nap time (I rented a chick-flick so Damien was thrilled that I had someone else to watch it with!). And I guess that would bring us to this very moment. As I am laying on the couch writing this journal entry, my mom is playing Memory with Michael on the floor, Claire is upstairs- adament that she play by herself for a while (in other words, we need to make sure Michael doesn't bug her), Damien is upstairs working, and the most rewarding feeling in the world . . . I'm still pregnant!

It has been a wonderful day and all I can think about is how truly blessed I am. All day today, I just kept saying, "It's my birthday, and I am walking around!" Life is good and I will continue to take it a day at a time.

My Little Italians

I take any and every opportunity to call my kids Italian. Sure, one of my children has red hair but hello . . . haven't you ever heard of Mario Batali? At the end of the day, there are very few people who are 100% anything anymore. My grandparents were all 100% of a certain ethnicity- making my parents a perfect 50/50 mix of their parents. So you can see how the cycle continues and before we know it, we are all a little culturally watered down. What I find interesting is that most people tend to relate to one of their ethnicities more than the others. For me, I tend to identify with being Italian. It doesn't mean that I don't respect or appreciate any of my other ethnicities but I was raised with an Italian flair. Many of our meals and holidays were centered around Italian cuisine and traditions and are carried out even today. This is not to say that my grandparents who were not Italian didn't keep their heritage and it's traditions, it just so happened that the Italian culture became the middle ground of sorts for us all to come together as one. With extended family, we would gather often at the dinner table that was full of pastas, meatballs, breads, and roasted vegetables. These tastes and smells enhanced my appreciation of Italian food and the Italian culture.

So many parents are raising their children, the next generation, who have so many different ethnicities. It is hard to find the perfect balance of how to let your children know where they came from. My children are Italian, Irish, German, Swedish, and Danish. Because of my dark features, I assumed that my children would look Italian. So when I had Michael, it was hard to lump the red hair and blue eyes with being Italian. However, because he looks the way he does, I have been forced to re-examine who I am because I have to be more than Italian, or Michael wouldn't look like Michael. My parents were both raised with one Italian parent, so it was easy to keep the heritage alive. It is much more of a challenge to raise our children and infuse certain ethnicities when Damien and I have nothing culturally in common. So we both take responsibility to open their eyes to all of the cultures which make them so unique.

So when my parents came back from Italy with Italian soccer uniforms for the kids, I couldn't resist the opportunity to see them suited up Italian! (Plus, I knew it would bring a smile to my dad's face!). And while I wouldn't be totally opposed to lederhosen or potato sacks, for today, the Italian uniforms reign supreme. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

25 Weeks!

25 Weeks . . . Such a magical number. Since the beginning of this pregnancy, I have wanted to get to this point. At times I was fearful that I wouldn't make it here. But here I am and if you could see the smile on my face you would know that I am, for the first time in a long time, feeling a great deal of relief. Today, I had a doctor's appointment and we were thrilled to hear once again that things look great and the cerclage is doing its job. The baby, who was head down last week, was breech today and kicking the cervix repeatedly! While the doctor was trying to measure my cervix via ultrasound, you could see the baby wiggle his/her toes into the lowest area possible and it was kind of funny. The doctor assured us that they baby can do no harm by kicking me there, but it was just funny that this area is so closely monitored and here the baby is- kicking it away! So the doctor gave my belly a shake and the baby moved away so she could get a good measurement.

I NEVER thought that I would make it to November without bedrest and here I am, entering another week of freedom. My mom is flying down this weekend to stay with us for a week and I will actually be able to be out of bed! The idea is just so crazy! I will be able to go out to dinner for my birthday, go places with my mom and the kids, and just be normal for a little while longer. Of course, I will continue to take it easy and rest like I have been doing, but it just makes me feel a little more normal. I feel so happy that this baby is getting a great chance to stay nice and warm in my tummy and grow like every baby should.

24 Week Ultrasound Picture

Here is an ultrasound picture that was taken Monday at 24+ weeks. Are you a little boy or a little girl? For those of you that have a hard time deciphering these pictures, the baby is on his/her back and is looking at the ceiling. The picture was taken of the baby's profile. You can click on the picture (or any picture on this blog) to make it bigger!

My New Nephew, Kyle!

I wanted to share some exciting news about my new nephew . . .

IT'S A BOY!!!

Kyle Christopher

Born October 18th

8 lbs. 14 oz

20.5 inches

To my sister Jill and her husband Brian

We had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of little Kyle and he made quite the debut on October 18th. Jill did an amazing job with the labor and she and her new little family are doing very well. I am so proud of her and I just know that she will make a fantastic mother. Brian helped her through the birth and is so happy with his little boy!

The hardest part of the whole situation is that because I am so high-risk with my pregnancy I am not able to fly. So needless to say, I haven't been able to meet him yet. And because of this, I have pretty much known since the day I found out I was pregnant that I would miss Kyle's birth. I had been mentally preparing for this day, but nothing could prepare me for the way I felt the day he was born. I was so sad to be missing such a big day in Jill's life. I know that she understood, but it was really difficult for me (and I am sure for her, too). Luckily, I was able to get up to the minute updates and pictures from my family and I felt as though I was included as much as possible.

Kyle is so beautiful and is a good baby, although over the phone I call him Mr. Squeaky because he even squeaks and grunts in his sleep, which is so manly of him! From my conversations with my sister and from the things I hear from my family, Jill has really transitioned into the role as a Mom so naturally and with ease. Although I ache to meet my little nephew, I know I will in due time. The other day my Mom put the phone to Kyle's ear and I told him that I loved him and that I was growing a little friend for him to play with. Soon this will all be behind us and will make more sense. Until then, I will continue to make daily phone calls to hear him squeak and let him know that his Auntie loves him very very much.

Picture Perfect

Okay, before you have a heart attack, please note that this is not a current picture of us. This picture was taken by one of our friends while we were in Paris with Michael 5 1/2 years ago. It is one of my favorite pictures from the whole experience because it is so symbolic. It was taken about 2 weeks before we came home and Michael had grown to a hefty 4 pounds. While I was in the NICU picking up Michael, Damien stood with our friend Kevin in the viewing area. I had no idea that this particular picture was being taken, but now love what this picture means to me. When I look at this picture, I see Michael and me as representing the 3 of us stuck in Paris, the window representing the ocean which separated us from our family and friends, and Damien representing all of you who were on the other side of the world. So many people wanted to be connected with Michael and the whole experience, but the truth was, no one could really imagine the life we were living. We were 25 years old and so unprepared for what we were dealing with. I often wonder why this happened to us and why it happened in another country. When I think back to it, it all seems so dreamlike. When I talk to people about it, I feel like I am making up this lavish story that couldn't possibly be true. When we revisited Paris a year and a half ago, it was surreal to be walking down the same streets and visiting the hospital- with Michael at our side. We experienced so much pain, disappointment, and loss of hope in this city but so much of that was washed away as a recovered and healthy Michael chased the pigeons down the beautifully ornate streets. It is amazing how quickly you can be healed from this type of experience- but equally as amazing that no matter what, you will never forget it.

Michael's story has been stuck in my mind lately- popping in and out throughout the day and I know why it is happening. This week in my pregnancy is that same week in which Michael was born in his pregnancy. I try to find comfort in that I am finally to this place again-24/25 weeks, but when I think of him and how sick he was and how much he struggled- I can't bear to imagine having to witness that again. These feelings will me to my couch where I plop down to rest so that I give this baby the greatest chances of being healthy when he/she is born. Michael is my miracle and although I witnessed some of the most amazing things in my life during his hospitalization, I am content with his story being the most miraculous of them all.

Another Week of Freedom

I know a lot of you are looking at this blog to see how my pregnancy is going so I wanted to give everyone an update. Things are going well. I am almost 24 weeks and had a doctor's appointment today to see if bedrest time was here . . . and thankfully, we were granted another week of freedom! Everything is looking good, but at some point, bedrest will come knocking at my door and I will obey it's every rule! I currently go in for weekly ultrasounds to see how the pregnancy is going and to be pro-active and stop/slow any problem that is on its way. These ultrasounds are so reassuring and are also a great opportunity for us to see our little baby growing. We aren't going to find out the sex until the baby is born, so you'll have to sit tight and wait like the rest of us!

This pregnancy has been so different from the other two. In Michael's pregnancy, at 24 weeks I was 2 cm dilated and in BIG trouble! (I ended up giving birth to him at 25 weeks). With Claire's pregnancy, at 24 weeks I was admitted as quickly as possible to the hospital because I was starting to dilate. So it is a real thrill to be 24 weeks and know that the cerclage is working. I don't plan on tempting fate, so I am taking it easy at home and enjoying all of the wonderful support and help from Damien. He has made life so easy for me and has really taken on some major responsibility at home.

The kids are really excited about the baby and are often at my belly talking to the baby or rubbing my tummy. Both Michael and Claire are really curious on how this whole baby thing works and ask such cute questions. Does the baby cry in there? Can the baby see me through your belly button? Can you eat this candy corn so the baby can have it? But the funniest thing to date is listening to Claire talk about how the baby gets food. She will tell you, “Okay, so. My mom eats something and chews it and it goes down her throat and into her stomach. Then it goes through the umbrella cord (umbilical) and into the baby’s bottom and then into the baby’s stomach. And that’s how it goes.” And believe me, you don’t want to try and correct her because she is positive she is right!

Michael is very nurturing and concerned that the baby is okay. He’ll always checks in with me to make sure the baby is fine. Did the baby sleep okay? How are the baby’s legs? Does the baby like swimming in the bag of water? These are precious times and I am so proud of my kids and their enthusiasm for their little brother or sister.

So, that is it . . . for now. I will check in again after my next appointment and update you on how things are going. Until then, thanks for your support and prayers. They really mean a lot!

Warmth, Family, and Hot Chocolate

Sometimes I wish I could be 8 again. Maybe it's because I loved being a kid. Maybe it's because the memories in my mind are still so vivid that if I close my eyes and think back, I can magically transport myself to my living room. "Get your blankets!" my Mom would yell and suddenly the sound of tiny feet could be heard pitter-pattering down the hallway. This was a ritual of sorts for my family around any holiday. We would always gather together to watch the seasonal cartoon specials that were broadcast to millions of households around the country. My mom would pop popcorn and make us hot chocolate as we spread our blankets and pillows around the room to be able to watch the show in the most comfortable way possible. She'd turn down the lights and for a few moments- our noisy household was reduced to a deafening silence as we all sat around anticipating the start of the show.

I would have to say that my favorite seasonal cartoon was Dr. Seuss', 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas' but a very very close second was, "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown". There was something about Halloween that filled me with excitement. As we all watched, we were oblivious to the wind howling outside, knocking branches around- turning our driveway into a virtual blanket of wet leaves. This was what fall was supposed to be about; warmth, family, and hot chocolate. And there we were, creating memories that would last a lifetime.

Now that I am a mother, I carry on the tradition of seasonal cartoon specials. In fact, this year, the four of us huddled around each other, cozy with cookies and hot chocolate and watched Charlie Brown get duped by Lucy for the umpteenth time. Will he ever learn that she will never let him kick the football? Will Linus ever leave the pumpkin patch and go trick-or-treating or is the allure of the Great Pumpkin just too much for him to abandon? In a world that is constantly changing, we can all take comfort in the traditions we have had since we were children. No matter how badly we want Charlie to get the best of Lucy, it will never happen. So these shows, like a recipe past down for generations, become a part of our history. And as the world and our families grow and change, we can for a brief moment, get a piece of our childhood back if we just take the time to be a kid again. I can only hope that the traditions passed down to me become deeply rooted in the hearts of my children. And maybe someday, I will get a call from Claire telling me about how wonderful it was to cuddle up with her children and thank me for passing on the tradition to her. Which reminds me, I owe my mom a phone call.

Happy Halloween!