Matthew's Journey

Here I am. Sitting on the couch with Matthew while Michael and Claire are at preschool. I can't help but sit and stare at my new son. His little mouth, his sweet little head, and his soft chubby cheeks. Can this be real? All the hard work, the bedrest, the medications, the hours and hours spent worrying . . . and here he is. Little Matthew. My boy.

(Remember, to view pictures, just click on them)

In my first blog entry entitled, "Open Yourself Up To The Journey", I wrote about how this pregnancy was going to test my faith, my patience, and my heart. I knew that the journey I would take to meet this new baby was going to be a long, difficult but meaningful experience. When I re-read it now, I can still churn up the feelings of anxiety and fear I had back then. I had no idea what to expect, how my life would be altered, and how I would get through it all, but I did. Matthew is here and I am so in love with him. This love is multiplied when Michael and Claire hold him, give him kisses, laugh at his little sneezes, sing to him, and just smile because they love him so much. Yes, the journey was long and sometimes hard, but the payoff is amazing. This little baby, who grew in my tummy, who makes us all so happy was well worth the wait. Here is the story of Matthew's journey into this great world.

On January 30th, I was supposed to get my cerclage removed at 7:30 a.m. at the local hospital. After a night of very little sleep due to nerves, I received at call at 5:30 a.m. telling me that there were no available rooms at the hospital and that my procedure would be pushed back. I felt deflated and hungry (I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink since 11:00 p.m. the night before). At about 11:00 a.m. I called my doctor and the nurse there told me that my surgery had been rescheduled for 12:00 p.m. So Damien and I made our way over to the hospital- a little giddy that we had finally made it to the cerclage removal day! However, our excitement was soon dampened when we were told that there were still no rooms and we probably wouldn't be able to get the procedure done. My doctor happened to be on the Labor and Delivery floor and reiterated the news to us. Before I knew it, I began to cry because I had finally had it! I had been looking forward to this day for a long time and to think that it would be delayed for 2 more days was more than I could bear. She suggested that we go to a neighboring hospital to get it removed (the same hospital where the cerclage was placed) so we agreed. Before I knew it, it was 2:30 p.m., I still had not eaten or had anything to drink, was growing increasingly cranky, and also a little nervous for the procedure.

Once I was admitted and checked into my room, things moved quite quickly. I was put on a monitor to see how the baby was doing, finally administered fluids via an IV, and prepped to go into the Operating Room to get the cerclage removed. At 3:10 p.m. I was wheeled into the OR and given a Spinal. I told the anesthesiologist that I didn't want much because when I had the cerclage put in and was given a spinal, it didn't wear off for 8 hours afterwards. Once I was strapped down and prepped for the surgery, Damien- decked out in the attractive OR garb, joined me at my side. My doctor did an exam before she removed the cerclage, and I was 3 to 4 cm dilated. She went to work and said there wasn't much of the stitch left but soon, after the stitch was broken apart, I was 7 cm dilated and the bag of water was bulging. She said to me, "Lisa, I can't let you go home." Confused I asked why- and she told me how dilated I was and that she was going to break my water and get the show on the road. I started to cry a little because the moment caught me off guard and I could not believe that in a few hours I was going to have a new baby!

After they broke my water, I was wheeled back into a labor room and put back on the monitors. Damien called everyone to let them know the baby was on the way and we were excited for the kids to join us at the hospital. For the past 3 days, my sister Jill, her husband Brian, and their son, Kyle had been staying with us. It just so happened that they were at our home with the kids that day and were able to reschedule their flight to stay for the birth of our baby! I was so numb from the spinal and a little worried on how the labor would go. But soon- very soon, the spinal wore off and I had full feeling. I was put on pitocin to increase the contractions and had to make a choice on whether to get an epidural or go naturally. I have always had this feeling like I've wanted to experience natural childbirth. It is one of the many things on my life's 'To Do List'. I asked my sister Jill, my sister-in-law Jocelyn, and Damien if they would be willing to support me if I went naturally, and they agreed. So off I went, trying to manage the pain and stay in control all the while containing the excitement to meet my new baby! I felt some pressure, so I asked the nurse to check me. She said that the baby still had a ways to drop and to keep doing what I was doing. What she didn't tell me was that I wasn't 7cm dilated; I was only 4-5. When I was 7 cm in the OR, the pressure of the bag of water on the cervix made me dilate to 7 cm. But once the bag was broken, the pressure on my cervix was released and I went backwards. I am glad they didn't tell me, because I am not so sure I would've agreed to go naturally knowing that I had a lot more work to do than I first thought.

The labor progressed beautifully, and just 3 hours after my water broke, I was fully dilated and ready to push. The pain was really something I have never experienced before, and I chose to deal with it by focusing on trying to move the baby down and not lose control mentally. I was pretty quiet throughout the whole labor and was ready to push when the time came. It took only 16 minutes for me to push out the baby and the whole room erupted in cheers when we found out it was a boy! They placed Matthew on my chest and between tears; I took deep breaths and rejoiced that the pregnancy was finally over and that I had a boy! Unfortunately, Matthew was having a hard time with his breathing. He was crying loudly and was pink, but his respiration rate was really fast. A normal baby breathes at a rate of 30-40 times a minute. When he was born, he was breathing 90-100 times a minute. He also had some fluid in his lungs. So they took him to the NICU and he spent the next 5 days there getting better. He was born at 8 lbs 5 oz which is really big for a 36 weeker. The fact that he was so big might have played a factor in him having a tough start. It was a long 5 days for our little family. A lot of trips to and from the hospital and it didn’t feel right to not have Matthew with us. But soon, those feelings passed and on February 3rd, we got to bring baby Matthew home!

Now that this is all behind us, we are loving life with Matthew. The kids are thrilled and can't get enough of him. Claire is constantly petting him and singing to him, while Michael loves his little ways and loves calling him 'Squirrley Guy'. He is a great sleeper (for the time being . . .) and we are all enjoying our new little family of 5.

The past 9 months were full of a lot of emotion, dedication, and sacrifice. When I look in the big eyes of my new son, those 9 months were SO worth it. At night, when Matthew and I snuggle into the couch together, I look around the room and let my mind go back a few months to when I was on bedrest. It is so special to hold him in my arms and know that together we successfully completed the bedrest. Matthew was that little guy in there who was kicking me all day and night; he was the one who kept me company on the couch when I was lonely. Together . . . we did it.

So as Matthew's journey into the world is over, he now begins his journey through life. I can't wait to see who this little boy becomes. One thing is for sure- he will always have a special place in my heart. I am not sure that I will ever be able to say that I have enough children. I love having babies and love being a mom. A lot of people wander through this complex world searching for meaning and trying to find out what they want to be and what they want to do. At the age of 31, I continue to rejoice in the fact that my job as a Mother is what I want to do and what I feel I was brought into this world to be. Yes, I will continue to focus on myself and make myself a priority, but at the end of the day, when I am tucking my two older kids in for bed or staring at the little faces Matthew makes while he is sleeping- I am reminded of my calling. I am exactly where I should be.

Welcome Matthew. We have been so eagerly waiting for you and praying for your safe arrival. I thank God so much for blessing me with you. We opened ourselves up the journey and because of that- we have you in our life. You are so beautiful, so strong, and so loved. Thank you for staying in Mommy's tummy and for being so brave in the NICU. I promise to hold you and make you feel loved for the rest of your life. Here is to your new journey . . . I can't wait to help you along the way. I love you Matthew.
Love, Mom

Poor Poor Claire

As if the excitement of bringing home a new baby and figuring out a new norm isn't hard enough, we had even more craziness this evening when my darling Clairey fell and split her forehead open. She and Michael were playing in this tunnel we've had for years and I was in the kitchen with Matthew when I heard Claire's head hit the floor and I just knew it was bad! Of course head wounds bleed like crazy and Claire and Michael (okay, I was too) were totally freaked out and we had a few moments of hysteria! We took her to the Emergency Room and she had to get 5 stitches. My poor little girl.

Since we have brought Matthew home, I feel as though the kids have really adjusted to the change quite nicely. They are great kids and really sense what we need and how to go with the flow. But I must admit, I feel conflicted because I am spending so much time with Matthew that I just hope that I am giving the other two what they need, too. It just takes a little more effort, though sometimes I am so tired I am not sure what I have left to give them. I think I am doing a good job of keeping their lives as normal as possible while helping them to share in the wonderful addition of their little brother. I know that with each day things will get better and we will find a new normal which will suit our little family well.

I was really shaken up with Claire getting hurt. Although I have a new little baby now, Claire will always be my baby. It would've been easier to just send Damien to the ER with her, but I knew that my little girl needed her Mommy. And just because I have a new baby, doesn't mean my older babies don't mean the world to me too. As they were stitching her up and I was singing Disney songs to her while holding her hands, I felt so fulfilled as her Mom. I made the right decision to go with her. Life has changed, but one thing remains the same . . . if I have to kill myself to be there for them when they need me the most, I will.

The pictures on the top are a before and after of Claire. She was so sad to have to go to the hospital, but somehow when it was over- a Frosty from Wendy's made it all better!

We Brought Him Home!

Just a quick update for everyone . . .
We took Matthew home this afternoon after a 5 day stay in the NICU and we are so excited. I will post more about it later, but wanted to spread the word to those of you who have been worried or concerned. Today is a good day.

More About Matthew . . .

Just an update to let everyone know how Matthew is doing . . .

We are thrilled that today, Matthew got his IV line taken out!!! It is so nice to see his little hands free and moving around, instead of connected to a multitude of wires. He is eating a lot more by bottle and I am expressing as much milk as I can to try and keep up with him! His breathing issues are completely resolved and he should be able to come home either tomorrow or Sunday. But as Damien and I know, we won't won't set our hearts on any particular day as things in the NICU can change quickly!

The other big news is that Michael and Claire got to meet Matthew today. Our nurse broke some rules and let us take him out of the NICU for a brief moment so they could hug and kiss him. They loved it!!! I think this is exactly what they needed- as they have been pretty confused about what is going on these days. Having a baby in the NICU and two toddlers at home proves to be pretty difficult. I have been able to spend a lot of time with Matthew and in between visits, find myself making time to play with Michael and Claire, pumping milk, and driving back and forth to the hospital for his feeds, which are every 3 hours. We are so anxious for Matthew to come home and have him all to ourselves! I am dreaming of sitting with him on the couch and staring at him for hours. I am sure a lot of this time will be in the middle of the night, but after our little rendezvous in the NICU, I am again reminded of how wonderful it is to have a beautiful and healthy baby.

I will post an update tomorrow when we have a better idea of the doctor's plans for Matthew.

He's Here!!!!

On January 30th at 7:21 p.m.

Matthew Benjamin Joined Our Family!

36 weeks, 3 days gestation

8 lbs. 5 ounces

20 inches long

Matthew is doing great! He had some minor complications after birth which forced him to go into the NICU, but he is making steady progress and doing so well.

He is still in the NICU but we hope that he will come home to us soon!

More to come soon, but until then . . . enjoy the picture of our new little boy!!

Cerclage Removal???

So the plan was that I was supposed to call Labor and Delivery at 6:30 a.m. to see if there were any available rooms for my 7:30 a.m. removal appointment. Apparently, a very eager (and very energetic nurse) called me at 5:30 a.m. letting me know that there were no rooms available and that I was the second person to be 'bumped' out of their appointment this morning. She said that I would receive a call once a room opened up. My doctor told me that I couldn't eat or drink anything 8 hours before my procedure, so I downed a bottle of water at 11 p.m. and tried to get some sleep. I slept horribly! So much was on my mind! For all you parents of toddlers out there, I am embarrassed to admit that I couldn't get the Wonder Pets theme song out of my head. Pathetic, I know. So after I lay in bed for hours wide awake, humming the annoying Wonder Pets theme song, finding Claire asleep on the toilet, and dealing with my big, pregnant, uncomfortable belly- I finally fell asleep.

I got another call at 7:30 a.m. basically restating what I already knew and that brings us to this very moment. I am exhausted from a night of no sleep, hungry and thirsty, but mostly anxious to get this removal over with and to see what follows! We aren't sure if we will receive a call soon or hours from now, but we will keep you posted.

36 Weeks with Kyle

No, I did not have the baby . . . but YES I have finally met my nephew, Kyle! I have waited a long time (he is now 3 months old) and I couldn't be more pleased with this little guy! My sister Jill, her husband Brian, and Kyle flew down yesterday to see us! It was Kyle's first flight and I am happy to say that they made it successfully and Kyle slept the whole way. What a guy! We picked them up from the airport and the minute I laid eyes on Kyle, my eyes filled with happy tears. I picked him up and gave him the biggest hug and enjoyed the moment- which I have waited a long time to have. The kids went crazy and were so excited to meet their cousin. Not only had we not met Kyle yet, but we hadn't seen Jill or Brian since August either. We are enjoying them so much and it is fun to hold Kyle while also feeling my own little baby kick in my tummy. Lord knows these two will get in a lot of trouble together in a few years! They will be here for a few more days and will be here when I get my cerclage removed and possibly go into labor (but I am not holding my breath about going into labor).

I had not anticipated it, but being around Kyle is a good trial run for both Michael and Claire. They are learning a lot about being around a baby. How to burp him, how to gag when we change his diaper, not to touch him when he is sleeping, and Claire learned that no- Kyle cannot have a carrot at dinnertime. I have been gently reminded of the 'work' I have ahead of me- especially when I got up at 2am to go to the bathroom and heard Jill walking Kyle around with the TV on. Yes folks, I have a lot of fun ahead of me!

I am now less than 48 hours away from getting the cerclage removed but also gaining the ability to move around and be mobile without any restrictions. So stay tuned, because who knows what will happen next. In the meantime, I am going to stare at Kyle for the next few days.

Removal Update

Just to update everyone, I went to the doctor this morning to see if I was more dilated and the good news is that I am the same (2-3 cm)! So the cerclage removal date will remain on Tuesday. My sister Jill, her husband, and her baby- Kyle come down to visit tomorrow for a few days, and I was hoping to keep the date for Tuesday so I could enjoy them (mostly stare at Kyle) before I have a new baby of my own. It really is a win-win situation to keep the Tuesday removal date because now the baby will have more time to mature and I will get a lot of time to visit with Jill and the gang.

So, that is it! When Tuesday rolls around, I will be so happy to have the stitches out, I will be happy to regain 100% mobility, and who knows, I might be smiling with a new baby in my arms. We'll see!

Changes, Changes, Changes

I was bracing for another appointment where nothing had changed and I expected to hear, "We'll see you in a week". However, this notion didn't last long and things definitely have changed! I was treated like a normal pregnant woman for the first time in 35 weeks and didn't have an ultrasound. Up to this point, we normally see the heartbeat- we don't hear it. So it was a real treat for the kids to hear the baby's heartbeat through the Doppler. Michael thought it sounded like a train and Claire just kept giggling. After hearing the heartbeat, the doctor measured my uterus and I measured at 38 weeks pregnant, even though I am only 35 1/2. In some ways it was comforting to know that this baby is big, but in another way, it made me feel happy that perhaps I am justified in feeling so uncomfortable and huge!

The doctor then examined me and we had quite a change from last Tuesday's appointment where I was a fingertip dilated. She discovered that I am now 2-3 centimeters dilated! It was kind of a shocker, especially when you consider that we thought the stitch was still holding! She was surprised too, and asked me to come back this Friday to see if anything has changed. I am scheduled to get the cerclage removed next Tuesday, but if I dilate more before Friday, she might move the cerclage removal up. The stitches are designed to be dissolvable and might just be giving way to the pressure and weight of the baby. But what we don't want to happen is to have the stitches damage the cervix by tearing it. So that is why we will be seen again on Friday and proceed from there.

All of this is really exciting, but I can't get over how real the actual birth of this baby is to me now. The clothes are washed, the house is as ready as it's going to be, and the kids are so excited- but I have to deal with the fact that this is really going to happen! Very soon I am going to meet my new son/daughter and life as I know it will never be the same. I remember going through this when I was pregnant with Claire. For so long, I focused on getting bigger and farther into the pregnancy when one day it hit me- 'Oh no! I have to push this big baby out!'. So I guess you could say the idea of birthing this baby has set in and I am trying to get a grip and just enjoy the rest of the ride- no matter how long or short it is!!!

I will post new changes as they happen and hope that I can hold out until Tuesday to get the cerclage removed. I have opened my heart to the fact that the baby may come any day now and am ready to celebrate its great arrival into this world- which will undoubtedly be filled with love and happiness.

35 Weeks

Today is a good day!! I have dreamed for weeks about being 35 weeks and here I am! It is a bit surreal, but for the most part, I just feel so incredibly relieved and full of life!

Today, my Mom and Laura flew back home. It was so nice having them here and my Mom really helped me get ready for the baby. Most everything is set and now we just have to wait to meet our new little one. While my mom and sister were here, we did a lot of really fun things with the kids. We went out to lunch a few times, saw Charlotte's Web, ran a lot of necessary errands and had a lot of together time at home. A highlight for me was when my mom took Laura, Michael, Claire, and me to tea. It was so nice and we all loved it! It was Michael and Laura's first time at tea, and both of them had a lot of fun eating the little sandwiches and desserts. (Picture above is Laura and Claire at tea.)

Back to the pregnancy . . . with Claire, I was released from the hospital at 35 weeks. No bedrest, no medication, nothing! Mentally, it is hard for me to justify still being on bedrest, but it is what my doctor ordered. She really wants me to take it easy until I get the cerclage removed. So I am going to keep up with the bedrest but not be so strict. I am no longer going to look at the clock and say, "Okay, I am starting my 3 hours of bedrest now", I am just going to take it easy and make sure I lay down when I can. I want to be able to regain some of my strength before my world gets turned upside down. One thing that I need to work on is sitting up. I know this sounds weird, but when you lay on your side for 18-20 hours a day, you lose a lot of strength in your back. Plus, I am not properly positioned on the couch, so it causes me a lot of pain when I sit up for an extended period of time. So, I hope to be able to sit up more and strengthen some of the weaker spots on my body!

I go to the doctor again on Tuesday, and will know more about how things are going in there. The baby is really active and seems to be doing really well. Now I really feel like any day could be the day when I go into labor. It is exciting and nerve-racking at the same time. We are ready at home for the baby and I am certainly ready to move on from the pregnancy and move forward to being a new mom. And for those of you that read of my prior postings, I finally did pack my bag for the hospital. Phew.

Prayer of Saint Gerard

When I was pregnant with Claire, Damien's grandmother gave me the prayer card of Saint Gerard. Saint Gerard is the Patron Saint and Protector of Expectant Mothers. I graciously accepted the card, but must be truthful when I tell you that I filed it away and forgot about it. While I was on bedrest, I prayed to God every day and tried to hand my worries over to Him- because at that time, my situation was just too much for my to handle. Then one day, when I was looking through a bag I had asked Damien to bring me in the hospital, I found St. Gerard's prayer card. After re-reading the prayer, I knew that this prayer was what I had needed during this difficult time. This prayer became a necessary part of my everyday routine and brought me such immense peace- that I have said it everyday in this pregnancy, too. I really wanted to share it with all of you because whether you are pregnant yourself or know someone who is- this prayer is so comforting and healing.

Prayer of Saint Gerard

Oh, great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ,
Perfect imitator of thy meek and humble savior,
And devoted child to the mother of God.

Enkindle within my heart,

One spark of that heavenly fire of charity,
Which glowed in thine and made thee a seraph of love.

Oh, glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime-
Thou didst bear, like thy Divine Master,

Without murmur or complaint.
The calumnies of wicked men.

Thou has been raised up by God
as the Patron and Protector of Expectant Mothers.

Preserve me from danger
And from the excessive pain which accompanies childbirth,
And shield the child which I now carry,
That it may see the light of day
And receive the lustral waters of baptism.
Through Jesus Christ the Lord, Amen.

What's Up Doc?

I went to the doctor for a check-up this afternoon to see how the baby was doing. I am happy to report, that everything looks the same and we were told to keep doing what we have been doing. So it looks like I have a few more weeks of couch-time and more waiting to do (which really isn't a bad thing). She took measurements of the baby today and we found out that at 34 1/2 weeks, the baby supposedly weighs 6 pounds. So as I continue to grow my chubby baby, I will also relish in the fact that the most bedrest I have left in this pregnancy is 2 weeks- when my cerclage will be taken out. She noted that the baby was really low and told me that at the cerclage removal, I will have a 50% chance at having the baby that day. It is really sinking in that soon, we are going to have another little Swendsen around here and life will never be the same.

My mom, Laura, Michael, and Claire came with me to my appointment today. We waited 2 hours in the waiting room to be called back and you can only imagine the scene we created out there. For one, my appointment fell right during naptime and we were all tired. But it all paid off when we finally got the ultrasound and saw that things were going according to plan. The neatest part of the appointment was being with Laura when she saw her first ultrasound. Laura was actually at the foot of my hospital bed when I delivered Claire, so it was nice to be able to share this experience with her, too. She thought it was so great and was thrilled to see the baby's ears. She swears that I am carrying a girl with brown hair- so we will see if she is right!

While my Mom and Laura have been visiting, we have taken out a lot of Michael and Claire's baby clothes to wash, sort, and choose which ones make 'the cut' and which ones go to Goodwill. After I had both of the kids, I kept EVERY morsel of clothing they wore. Now I am wiser and when they grow out of things, I only keep the articles which are in good condition or hold some form of emotional value. Plus, from a storage perspective, if you don't weed through and get rid of some things, you use half of your garage storing the clothes!

On an unrelated note, my doctor and nurse told me weeks ago (at week 31 to be exact) that I needed to pack my bag for the hospital. Of course I have resisted doing this and am procrastinating so bad! I am not sure why I can't bring myself to do it! Maybe it is that I feel that once I pack the bag, the baby will come. It could also be that due to bedrest, the last thing I want to do when I can actually get up and move is pack a bag! It is probably a combination of the two, but either way, I need to get myself motivated and just do it already! I am hoping that by writing it here, I will hold myself accountable. I will let you know if it worked or not.

So while we didn't learn anything new at the appointment, at least we are talking about the END of the pregnancy. Finding out you're pregnant is so thrilling. Feeling the baby kick and move for the first time is indescribable. Starting to show and finally being able to wear maternity clothes is such an accomplishment. But being so big that you can't get comfortable, have a hard time sleeping, wearing the same maternity clothes over and over, and growing to a point where you don't know if the poor stretched skin on your tummy can take anymore is less desirable (hence the picture of Claire rubbing my belly with lotion). I have enjoyed so much of this pregnancy, but I am ready to have the baby and enjoy watching someone else go through it. 2 more weeks and I either gain a new baby or the freedom to move again. Sounds good to me!

Life On Wheels

It is hard to know what life would be like if you had special needs. Having a sister with Down Syndrome has exposed to me to world of sensitivity and understanding. Since Laura was born (I was 9 years old) my life has been closely interwoven with those with needs more special than my own. Through her schooling, we were able to meet wonderful children, many who were born with life altering conditions or disabilities. Sure, some of these kids were born with many challenges, but the one thing they didn't lack was the ability to smile. This is what always hurt my heart. Here were these children, many unaware of their own shortcomings- yet despite it all, they were always smiling. Being sensitive to those less fortunate made it hard for me to see people who were full functioning look at life so sourly. So many people get stressed out about trivial things- taking for granted the basic ability to exist without physical assistance or not having to continually tackle mental challenges. I know that it is hard for people (including myself) to remain grounded with how fortunate we are, but being around those with special needs quickly reminds you that whatever is stressing you out- probably isn't that big of a deal.

All of this rang true again, when the doctors finally talked to us about taking Michael home from the hospital. I was so relieved! I had planned his homecoming and his first few months in my mind and was ready to get rid of hospitals and the stress that came with it. Then my plans were dramatically altered when a nurse came over to me and told me that 'Special Services' would be contacting me shortly to arrange Michael's at-home therapy sessions. Therapy? No one told me about therapy! Unbeknownst to me, we had a long road of recovery ahead. After Michael came home, a barrage of therapists followed. Physical therapists, occupational therapists, and speech therapists followed him each week for almost 3 years. Ironically, I found myself in the same place as I did when Laura was born, surrounded by children with special needs- one of them, my son. Although Michael's condition thankfully turned out to be temporary and correctable, there were many scary months where we weren't sure of Michael's ability to reach the therapist's long term goals. But as God brought him to safety when he was a tiny tiny baby, he again embraced him and guided Michael down the path to being a fully recovered three year old boy.

I happen to consider myself someone who is very aware of the people around me. I have been exposed to many things that have helped me to become extra sensitive to those in need and my heart goes out to those who have such a difficult road to journey down. So, you can imagine when I started using my wheelchair during this pregnancy (at about 20 weeks), I expected people to show a certain sensitivity to me. A lot of people were really nice and held open doors so I could wheel through them. However, I have been surprised at the lack of sensitivity by so many others who are just not aware of their surroundings. People see me wheeling toward them and have to make a choice to either move or make me wheel out of the way. More times than not, I have had to move. When I was shopping with my Mom at Macy's, the cashier actually had the nerve to say, "What is Wrong with You?" I wish that I had a good comeback, but I was actually so surprised she asked me that question that I was speechless. I guess my point is that during this temporary time of being physically challenged, my eyes have opened much wider to those who live life from their wheelchair each and every day. Just a few of the downsides are that many store aisles are so narrow that you can barely fit through them without knocking things off the shelf, it is also really difficult to see and use the debit machine when paying at a store, forget about grabbing things on high shelves, and it is really inconvenient when stores or sidewalks don't have adequate wheelchair ramps.

I have learned so much during this pregnancy, but as I near the end and become a little more introspective, I hope to use the many additional lessons I learned in my wheelchair to further enhance my sensitivity to those around me. There have been days of my life where I have been a successful and active college athlete and other days where my activity has been reduced to laying in a bed 24/7. I think the most difficult part of life is taking the greater amount of all of your experiences and finding the one common thread that has gotten you through them all. I know that my thread of hope has been deeply rooted in my faith in God and the trust I have in Him that everything will be alright in the end. My hope for people is that we can all respect the limitations of those around us and remember to be loving, helpful, and perspective people in society. Actions speak louder than words. So the next time you are out and about and see someone who could use some help, do so. Hopefully your good deed will start a chain reaction in the hearts of those around you.

34 Weeks!!!

I am starting to feel so much better about myself. For one, I don't feel as fragile anymore. I feel like this baby is strong and that I have a little while to go until I see him/her. While I am still doing all the bedrest I am supposed to, I have resumed some activities when I am up and moving. Don't get me wrong- I am still being really careful, I just feel like it is okay to load some dishes in the dishwasher once in a while or walk to the garage to get the mail. It is almost laughable how little I can really do around here, but that will all change when I have a house and 3 kids to take care of. By the way, someone remind me once I am waist deep in diapers, driving the kids to and from school, making dinner, and cleaning the house that there was a time in my life when I laid on the couch. I am sure once the baby is born, I will forget all about these lazy, boring, difficult days.

On a very happy note, I was so touched to be invited out to dinner by a handful of my girlfriends to celebrate my still being pregnant and the near arrival of #3! It was so refreshing to get out of the house and be surrounded by such a loving, understanding, and hilarious group of women. All of us are moms, which made for some fun and interesting talks about our kids. One of my girlfriends that attended had a c-section last Friday and she took her first trip out of the house to celebrate with me (with her beautiful 1 week old daughter, Ashley) and another one of the women is 29 weeks pregnant with a little girl. So in terms of feeling big and pregnant, I had some people to commiserate with. We laughed, they gave me some wonderful gifts to get ready for the baby, and we had a great time! So thank you to Jocelyn, Melissa, Suzanne, Kate and baby Ashley! You really boosted my spirits and revitalized me.

Getting all these beautiful gifts and seeing how small the little clothes and hats were made me really excited for the baby. Obviously with such limited activity, I haven't had much time to get things ready in terms of washing the baby clothes and finding all the baby necessities I stored somewhere 4 years ago. Part of me feels worried that I won't have things ready, but something in the back of my mind reminds me that when the baby comes home from the hospital- they just sleep, poop, and eat. So I am hoping that I can do some of the organizing after the baby is born!

My mom and sister Laura are coming to visit tomorrow. I am so excited to see Laura because I haven't seen her since August. I am sure she would tell you that she is excited to see me, but I know she is most excited about seeing 'her babies'. Laura loves my children unconditionally and I'm so happy that it worked out for her to come down with my mom for the entire week. I go to the doctor again this Tuesday and I am excited that she will be able to see the baby on the ultrasound. It should be a good week and I am hoping that with the excitement of my mom and Laura being here, I might get a bit distracted and then suddenly be 35 weeks. One can only hope, right?

More of the Same . . .

So, my doctor's appointment went well today.
Got my shot of progesterone, saw that the baby had a great heartbeat, watched the ultrasound as my doctor tried to avoid showing me the sex of the baby, and got more good news that nothing has changed. We also talked about scheduling the cerclage removal between week 36/37. That is right at the end of January and really not that far away! I am thrilled that I am still only on modified bedrest. It is such great news! She let me know that I will most probably not see any full bedrest with this pregnancy which is surreal! In fact, it is so surreal that I can't even really grab hold of what is going on these days.

Because of my bedrest, each day seems to blend into the next and my perception of reality becomes a bit distorted- leaving me in an odd emotional limbo. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with how things are going, it is just difficult to deal with such intense emotions for such a long period of time. I have been bracing for the worst since I got the cerclage put in at 13 weeks. I always prepared for news that I didn't want to hear. I haven't heard any bad news, yet I still find myself getting worked up over the little things. In the past 7 months I have continually worried before appointments or just obsessed about things taking a wrong turn. Because of the worrying, I now have a hard time accepting or truly believing any good news. Since day one of the pregnancy, my doctor and nurses warned me to protect my heart. So with each week, I have taken all the good news with a grain of salt- never truly feeling 100% comfortable that everything was okay. I am now trying to transition my thinking, relax, and find my peace before this baby comes.

Today's appointment was great. I never in a million years thought I would be at this point of the pregnancy with so few complications. They estimate that the baby is now 5 1/2 pounds and my uterus measures at 36 weeks (even though I am only 33 1/2 weeks along). All of this is awesome and I do feel really good when I am there with the doctor. Yet every time I come home from these appointments, I skate around on the adrenaline for a while and then find myself feeling defeated. I think about how much farther I have to go and feel overwhelmed. I really need to work on focusing on the positive and believing that things really are alright and that it is okay to let my heart feel happy and not be so protective. I have learned over the past 3 pregnancies that this type of healing has to come from within me. I appreciate people telling me how great it is that I am 33 weeks and how wonderful everything is, but ultimately, it is me who has to work on shedding my fears and becoming a more confident, strong and more healed person. Lately, I have been finding a lot of happiness when it is quiet and I feel my baby move. His/her movements are so much stronger now and when I am feeling down and feel an arm or a leg drag across my entire tummy, I think of it as the baby letting me know that he/she is okay.

What have I learned from my previous pregnancies? That no matter how difficult the situation, no matter how bad things get- THIS TOO SHALL PASS. After Michael was born, after spending 3 dreadful months in Paris, and after we landed on American soil- we felt like the whole terrible ordeal was just a dream. After 73 days on bedrest in the hospital and after giving birth to Claire, my difficult memories of bedrest were gone. I will try and use these experiences to help me remember that once this baby is born, these long hard-fought days will fade into a distant memory. And that, my friends, is when all of this will have been worth it.

33 Weeks

As the stress from the pregnancy slowly lifts from our lives, the days and weeks are passing more swiftly. Our lives are more regimented as the kids started school again this week, Damien is back working, and we stayed busy hanging out with friends we haven't seen in a while. I've also been able to stay more optimistic as my tummy keeps growing and the movements from the baby get bigger and stronger. I find a lot of comfort in being 33 weeks and am so happy to be here. I know that the baby is healthier and I find that the burden of bedrest doesn't seem to weigh me down like it did in the weeks before.

What is funny to me is that the pregnancy amnesia has really begun to set it. I thought today, "You know . . . this pregnancy hasn't been that bad at all. Time has really flown by!". This pregnancy really hasn't been that hard- when you compare it to my other pregnancies- but the journey has been a long and difficult one. Instead of obsessing about having the baby early, I now spend a lot of time wondering when I am going to go into labor and meet this little baby! Of course, we still have our sights set on meeting this little one after 35 weeks, but you never know what God has in store for you. It is now a waiting game and soon enough, the pregnancy will be over. The kids are very anxious because way back in August, we told them that the baby would come after Christmas. Now we find ourselves backpedaling and unsure of what to tell them. Tonight, Michael said that the baby was taking a long time to come out. Earlier today, Claire thought that if she played music for the baby from one of her books, that the baby might want to come out to see where the music was coming from.

Becoming pregnant this time was a really powerful experience. Out of all 3 pregnancies, I was most ready for this baby. I had already raised 2 babies, got myself back into shape, accomplished a lot physically (ran my first marathon) and finally followed through with my creative passion of making invitations and party accessories. For the first time I felt truly accomplished, but I knew that something was missing and that is when I got 'The Itch'. I wanted another baby- no matter how hard or difficult the process might be. I knew that this pregnancy would involve a lot of heartache, a lot of shots, a ton of doctor's appointments, the much dreaded bedrest, not to mention losing the ability to be truly active with my children. Michael and Claire have been so resilient to the changes I have had to make. They have handled the many many changes in such a mature and loving way and made the best out of my situation. A lot has changed in my life over the last 7 1/2 months. That is for sure.

Just a few weeks from now, I look forward to seeing life in a new light. At night when I close my eyes, I get emotional when I think about introducing Michael and Claire to their new sibling. It is in this moment that I think I will release the guilt I feel for not being able to be there for them 100% of the time. Being the kind of children that they are, I know that they would've supported our decision to have another baby, even knowing that it would affect their lives a little bit. They are going to be such a great big brother and big sister. The miracle of life will truly be complete once Michael and Claire get to meet their little miracle. They have felt the baby kick, they have felt the baby hiccup- but nothing will be as amazing as seeing them nurture and love this little baby. It's time for me to go to bed now. Time for me to close my eyes and look forward to the future of our family and this little baby. Soon, life and love as we know it will grow in ways we can't even imagine. I look forward to relishing in these moments and pray that God will continue to bless us as he has done over the last 33 weeks.

Claire Gets A Little Confused

Claire has had a difficult time coming to grips that there is only one baby in my tummy. It throws her off that we have 2 names picked out- one for a girl (Emily) and one for a boy (Matthew). While I truly think she understands that only one baby will come out, she still daydreams that there are two and this video is evidence enough to prove it. This is a video gem that will stay with me for a long time and I can't wait to show it to her when she is older. Enjoy. (click the play button, the arrow, on the video below to watch it)

Claire Gets A Little Confused (video)

Hope Restored

Well, today was another doctor's appointment and Damien and I were a little more laid back and relaxed than we have been in the past. It feels good to know that we are in a safe place (32 1/2 weeks) just in case we get word that it is time for the baby to come! But as luck would have it, things still look pretty good. The appointment started out with a progesterone shot, followed by the Fetal Fibronectin swab. Then she did an internal exam and found that the stitch was definitely still holding but that I was about a fingertip dilated. She wasn't alarmed at all because she said that most women pregnant with their third child are a fingertip dilated at this point in the pregnancy. She felt optimistic about the way my cervix felt and looked and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. I found out late this evening that the Fetal Fibronectin screen came back negative . . . again. Wow, I feel so blessed. So basically, that is some assurance that I will not go into labor for 2 weeks- which would get me to 34 1/2 weeks. How would've thought? But rest assured, we are still taking it one day at a time. Every day of this pregnancy from this point on is icing on the cake.

This pregnancy is so surreal to me at this point. In a way, I feel disconnected from it because I can't truly believe I am pregnant if I am not suffering through it. With Michael, it was so painful to constantly see him struggle and with Claire, bedrest in the hospital for 73 days was anything BUT a walk in the park. I am still living a very normal life. I've gotten very used to the couch routine and am able to go out to dinner or shopping in the evenings (in a wheelchair of course). But so far, this pregnancy, despite the mental agony and worry- has been so great and I owe it all to the cerclage. The stitches are supposed to dissolve around 36/37 weeks and she thought that they felt strong and weren't dissolving yet (which is good!). She said that next week we would talk about a date to schedule the removal of the cerclage and then warned me that sometimes when they take the stitches out, women don't go into labor because the baby's head sits on the pubic bone. So we will most likely have the cerclage removed at 36 weeks and see what happens. I told her that if she wants to break my water when she takes the cerclage out, she was more than welcome! She laughed and said, "Oh, no. We will send you home so that you can have a good old fashioned labor." It is hard to know that the end is in sight- but not know how soon or how far away that end is! I feel a bit desperate and can't wait to get my body back and meet my baby. She re-emphasized today that she thinks this baby is big and my fundal measurement (size of my uterus) was 34 weeks. So at least the baby is growing well and will hopefully be chubby (a very important baby quality to Claire).

I feel like I have a bit more wind in my sails and in a lot of ways feel that my hope for a healthy baby has been restored. Life is good. The holidays are over. Now we will just wait patiently to meet this new little person who will bless our lives SO much.

Damien's 31st Birthday!

Yesterday was Damien's 31st birthday! It was a great day and we ended 2006 in a wonderful way! The day started with his birthday presents. The kids were so excited for him to open his presents from them. Michael gave him 2 boxes of Cocoa Pebbles and Claire gave him 2 boxes of Fruity Pebbles. They know that he loves sugar cereals, that Mommy rarely buys them, and that the gift for Dad would also be a gift for them! We have very smart children. We then went over to his parent's apartment to watch the last 49er game of the year and have a birthday lunch. Luckily, the 49ers pulled out the win and we all had a lot of fun eating 'football food' and Hellie's hamburgers. Lani, Eric, Seamus, and Megan made it down for the afternoon celebration and it was a lot of fun to gather as a group and to see all the kids playing together. Heavenly, Heather, and Ryan also made the trip which was really nice.

Later in the evening we all went to the Emperor's Garden for Damien's birthday dinner. It was such a beautiful dinner and it was refreshing to sit at a circular table where we could all see each other and interact. We both come from big families and are used to going to restaurants and being seated at a long rectangular table. When you do this, you only get to talk to the people right next to you and never get the chance to talk with everyone. So to be surrounded by everyone's faces was really neat! The food was amazing and we had a lot of laughs, too.

Afterward, we all came back to our house and had a Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Cake. My dad reminded me that it was Damien's "Baskin-Robbins Birthday" (Damien turned 31 and 31 Flavors . . .) so we had to do that. Plus, Michael had this cake picked out for him weeks ago and I had to do it. It was delicious and we were happy that Fr. Art could come over and celebrate with us. We toasted to the New Year at 10:00 p.m. and everyone left to meet friends or get some sleep!

I give Damien a lot of credit for having a birthday on New Year's Eve (not that he had a say in the matter). First off, a lot of people leave town for the holiday. If they are in town, most people have fabulous party plans with friends. This being said, it's hard to get a good group together to celebrate his birthday. I don't think he really minds, but I always feel bad that his birthday is pretty much overshadowed by a bigger holiday. One other mildly humorous part of his birthday is that he is always aware when his birthday is officially over. The count down 10-9-8 . . . is a blatant reminder that he'd better enjoy the last few seconds because when the clock strikes midnight, it's no longer his day!

I appreciated Damien even more than usual yesterday for being the amazing, sympathetic man that he is. He has stepped up in every way to help me be comfortable while I am on bedrest. He does the laundry, cleans the house, gets the kids up and puts them to sleep, does Claire's hair, cooks, all the while doing his own job as well. I said grace last night at dinner and I thanked God for blessing me with a husband who knows how to help me even before I need to ask for help. I get a lot of credit for my strength to get through this pregnancy and am praised often for my unwillingness to let this temporary situation consume me. Back in May, when we got pregnant, Damien too, agreed to take on whatever this pregnancy brought upon us. He knew that any pain we experienced, would be repaid in happiness once this baby arrived. So he deserves a lot of credit as well.

So, Happy Birthday Damien. Thank you for all of your support, your love, and the way you inspire me and the people around you to be better people. I look forward to everything the future holds for us . . .

32 Weeks!

This week was packed with excite- ment! First we bought a new car, then it was Christmas Eve, then Christmas Day, then lots of events with family in town, and tomorrow is Damien's birthday. All of this brings us to today which happens to be a HUGE day in my world. I am 32 weeks! It feels amazing to be at this point in the pregnancy. It has been a lot of work to get to this point, but it feels great that no matter what, no one can take this away from me. I will just keep moving forward and making this baby healthier with each day!

As I said earlier, this week has been jam packed with craziness. First off, we got a new car. Yes, my friends . . . we took the plunge and got a mini van. Call me a soccer mom, call me whatever you want. I love it and all it has to offer. The space in this van is amazing! I used to drive a Honda Accord which fit our family of 4 just fine. But it was difficult to take anyone else in the car with 2 booster seats in the back seat (Just ask my family how it felt to cram between the 2 seats when they were down to visit). We bought a new 2006 Toyota Sienna. Damien and I couldn't be happier and the kids love it, too. I wanted to make sure that we bought it before the baby arrived, so it is one more thing I can check off my mental 'To Do List'.

Christmas Eve was really nice. Since I am, in a lot of ways home-bound, Damien cooked a fabulous dinner for our little family. We read the kids passages from the Bible about Jesus' birth and talked about the real meaning of Christmas. We made cookies for Santa and made sure we had some carrots for the reindeer (pictured above). We put the kids to sleep and Damien and I took a few minutes to just sit and enjoy the Christmas tree and reflect on how blessed we truly are. Sure, this Christmas Eve was scaled down but when you are surrounded by your family, when you see the wonder of Christmas in your children's eyes, suddenly the spirit of the season wraps you up and makes you forget what is going on around you.

Christmas Day was really fun. The kids woke us up around 7:20 a.m. and couldn't wait to go downstairs to see if Santa had come. When we came down the stairs, Claire started screaming and Michael sprinted to his stocking and gifts. It was a Christmas morning to remember! We sat together and opened presents until the once full tree was bare. We had a nice breakfast and then enjoyed the visit from Damien's sister, Heather. I worked in a lot of bedrest in the morning and afternoon so that I would be able to go out later in the evening to my in-law's temporary apartment for Christmas dinner. It was a packed house and a lot of fun. I spent a great deal of time on one of the beds in the bedroom with my sister-in-law Jocelyn who was recovering from her ACL surgery. So the two of us bonded in bedrest together and watched "A Christmas Story" while trying to occupy the kids while dinner was being prepared. The dinner was delicious and the whole gang gathered afterward to exchange gifts and bring the night to a close.

Since then, we have been laying low at our house. We have been trying to get the kids back on a schedule (instead of going to bed at 11pm, we are shooting for 9pm), I have been focusing on not creating any pregnancy drama, Damien has been busy with work and keeping the house from falling apart, Damien's parents have been frequenting our house and keeping us fed and the laundry situation under control, his sisters and brothers have been by to keep me company and take the kids bowling (basically get them out of the house so they don't get cabin fever), and the kids and I are getting ready to celebrate Damien's 31st birthday tomorrow.

We have been very busy, but are so thankful for making it to 32 weeks! It is a great feeling to be here and I hope to get at least a few more weeks on the couch with the baby in my tummy. My next doctor's appointment is Tuesday and we hope to get more good news. I am doing pretty well with the bedrest but must admit that at times, I feel like the walls around me are closing in. But that is nothing that a few peanut m&ms can't fix! I am trying to continue to have a good attitude and work on getting through this one day at a time. The kids start school next week and it will be good to get back on a schedule again. Before we know it, we will be sitting here with a beautiful little baby and shaking our heads when we think back to the crazy holiday season we had. And I bet for a brief moment, I will look back fondly on my bedrest and wish that I could just lay on the couch all day instead of walking around all day like a sleep deprived new mommy! Here's to the rest of my unpredictable ride!

Staying Consistent

I went to the doctor yesterday and was a bit nervous because my doctor was out for the week and I had to see a different doctor. Would their observations be the same? Would she know what was going on with me? We waited a full 2 hours to be seen (who would think the OBGYN waiting room would be full the day after Christmas?).

My doctor is very even tempered and soft spoken. When the new doctor came in, she couldn't have been more different! The one thing that I did know about the replacement doctor is that she was a good doctor. She started her exam and I was trying not to worry about the quick and non-gentle approach she was taking. I kept thinking, "Doesn't she know how fragile I am? That my doctor is so careful to gentle and not disturb anything?". But apparently, she knows that you don't need to be too gentle because I survived it without a problem. My cervix measured long and the stitches are still holding (yeah!). The baby looked good and as quickly as she came in, she was gone. Damien and I then looked at each other, confident in her diagnosis, and laughed for a second. Talk about 'Wham Bam Thank You Maam'! I made some more appointments and Damien and I went out for some lunch. We had dropped the kids off at Damien's parents hotel so we had some quiet time afterward.

This doctor was very hopeful about my situation. She said things look great and I should be able to get through the pregnancy to a great place. My doctor doesn't give me too much hope, and it is smart of her, because I know as well as anyone that one day things look great and the next day can be a whole different story. So here's to more modified bedrest, good holiday TV, and the hope that we get to 32 weeks without a hitch.

Swendsen "Cousin Christmas" 2006

This post is a little late, but I wanted to make sure I included it! Last Saturday (Dec. 16th) we had the 3rd Annual Cousin Christmas at our house. It is a great way for the cousins to get together and celebrate before Christmas arrives. So far, the tradition includes making and frosting sugar cookies, exchanging gifts between the cousins, and this year my nephew Brennan, thought it a was a great idea to institute face painting with frosting! It was a great day and everyone had a lot of fun. Michael and Claire were so happy to see their cousins Seamus, Megan, and Brennan and exchange gifts.

Christmas can be so overwhelming for kids. A lot of people buy them gifts and they get so overstimulated that it is hard for them to focus on any one thing. So by exchanging gifts with their cousins before Christmas, it allows them to fully enjoy the experience of togetherness, gift giving and making memories. Jocelyn wasn't able to make it here this year due to knee surgery (ACL) but was here in spirit. Besides, she got to see Brennan's stained shirt when he got home, so she knew fun was had by all. Thanks to Marlene, Mark, Lani, Eric, Seamus, Megan, Mark, Brennan, Damien, Michael, and Claire for making the Cousin Christmas so memorable. (And for making lunch, baking the cookies, and doing dishes so I could lie on the couch!).

31 Weeks

(Picture of Natalie with the kids)

This week flew by. Maybe it was because my little sister, Natalie, was here helping us out for the week (which was awesome!). Maybe it was because of the Christmas rush. What I suspect is that there was so much anticipation for me to be 30 weeks that while we were taking a deep breath, 31 crept in. I am so thankful to be 31 weeks along. Just one more week until I hit the doctor's goal of 32 weeks. Babies born at 32 weeks generally don't have any developmental delays. They baby would be approximately 4 lbs. and relatively healthy.

If I do make it to 32 weeks, my ultimate goal would be 35 weeks. At that point if I were to go into labor, they would most likely not stop it and let nature take it's course. 35 weeks was the point in which I was released from bedrest and the hospital with Claire and they took me off all preventative medication. I am still anxious and a bit nervous about having this baby early, but have faith in the doctors and professionals helping to oversee this pregnancy.

As 2006 is rapidly coming to a close, I keep reflecting on the long road I have travelled to get this far in the pregnancy. My hope and prayer would be to have a 2007 baby and I will continue to be as vigilant and dedicated to bedrest and staying pregnant as I can be. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone!

Home For The Holidays

After I had Claire in September of 2002, I remember being so relieved to be away from the hospital, to be able to regain some strength and say 'goodbye' to bedrest. It was a really trying time and I found a lot of healing in the many hours I stared into the eyes of my brand new little girl after the fact. But weeks removed from the situation, my mind soon went back to the women on bedrest in the hospital. I thought of them on Thanksgiving and by the time the Christmas season was upon me, I felt a need to do something for them. After all, the holidays are a hard time to be away from your family. In lieu of some of my Christmas gifts, I asked my family to donate to the cause of these women so that I could get gift bags with bedrest goodies for them (lotion, crossword puzzles, candy, etc.). I was overwhelmed by my family's response to help these women. I called the head nurse on the high risk floor to find out how many women were there and went to gather my supplies. The next day, Damien, the kids, and I went to the hospital to deliver the gift bags. To my surprise, a lot of the women didn't want visitors and so I had to leave the bags with the head nurse. To those that allowed me to deliver the bags personally, it was an experience I will never forget.

Walking into the rooms where the women were staying was surreal. Not so long ago, I was one of these women, yet as I looked at them I felt so far removed from their situation. God gives us an amazing ability to forget certain difficult experiences once we get through them. I thought I would walk in these rooms and see the image of me lying there, but I didn't. I looked at them like I had never done a day of bedrest in my entire life! I wondered if I had looked that way to some of the women who visited me when I was there. It was nice to strike up conversations with them and hear how they were doing. I told them all about my situation and tried as best I could to instill a glimmer of hope in their hearts. I encouraged them to keep going even though they wanted to quit. I tried to let them know that the work they were doing was so important and it was going to be so worth it in the end when they held their babies in their arms. I met a lot of strong and amazing women that day, but one woman in particular left me with a feeling I don't think I will ever forget. She was a young woman who was pregnant with her first child and in pretty bad shape. She was only 21 weeks along, which is well before viability, and had such an uphill battle to fight. The look in her eyes was one of hopelessness and I struggled to find the words to comfort her. In this very moment, I realized how lucky I was. With Michael's pregnancy we were so naive to the dangers which hid around every corner. We weren't educated on prematurity and the little we knew fell between the cracks in the translation from French to English. After spending so much time in the hospital with Claire, we were educated on many of these dangers and knew what was at risk with our pregnancy and our baby. I know that young woman saw through my cheery wishes. Sometimes, there isn't enough cheer to make a situation better. She would be lucky if she would last long enough for her baby to survive and this was what separated us. I didn't know that kind of fear. She knew that I had no idea how it felt to be her and no matter what my gift bag held for her, I had never walked a day in her shoes.

I left the hospital feeling surprisingly depressed that day. Sad for so many of the women on that hospital floor who wouldn't have the great results that I had. I realized then that no matter how hard I tried to help them, to brighten their spirits, only some of them could be helped that day. I can't blame the women who didn't want to see me. During my first week in the hospital with Claire at 24 weeks, I was in no mood to see people that weren't family, let alone strangers. The trip to the hospital was a humbling experience. I am a pretty positive person and feel drawn to opportunities in which I can help other people. But on this day, I realized that sometimes people just can't be helped. Sometimes the only solution to a problem is getting through the difficult times one day at a time. But what got me through was knowing that my difficult journey was with God. And no matter how dark the days were, I knew they would get brighter.

After visiting these women, I thought about how terrible it would be if I was on bedrest during the holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas). When we found out we were pregnant in May, I got out my calendar and looked to see when I would probably be going on bedrest. Sure enough, bedrest fell right during the holidays. However, now that I am in the middle of my bedrest, I am finding that doing bedrest during this time isn't so bad. For one, there is a lot going on which takes my mind off the monotony of bedrest. There is Christmas shopping to be done (all online this year), Christmas cards to write, good holiday TV to watch, and from my perch on the couch- I get to see my beautiful Christmas tree and decorations. I am praying that I can get through Christmas without the birth of my baby, but feel thankful to have had so much to focus on during these last 6/7 weeks. I will be 31 weeks tomorrow and thank God for blessing me with patience, strength, and peace this Christmas season. It is certainly a Christmas season I will never forget. And for the women who are in the hospital and are fighting so hard to stay pregnant, I pray that they can find peace with the difficulty of being on bedrest. I hope they recognize their selflessness and dedication to their unborn children and pray that they will be given the grace and strength to carry their pregnancies to a safe place.

The Greatest Gift

Last night I found myself lying in bed with butterflies in my stomach. I was really anxious to see what would happen the next day at my doctor's appointment. The good news is that for the first time, I wasn't scared of what might happen at the appointment. I think the fact that I am 30 weeks along gives me some much needed confidence that all of this might just turn out okay in the end. One of these weeks, I am going to get news I don't want to hear. I am doing really well with modified bedrest right now and am able to feel like I still have a life. My anxiety was over whether or not I would be put on full bedrest today or not. No one wants to be put on full bedrest. It is really restricting and frankly, boring. However, if the doctor told me it was time, then I would rise to the occasion and make my new home on the couch.

The appointment went well. First she did the Fetal Fibronectin test again (which I get every two weeks). Then she did an examination and said that it felt like the stitch was still holding, which is great. Then she did an ultrasound and she said that things hadn't changed since last week, which is really encouraging. The baby looked great and was making breathing movements which is an indicator of the baby's well being. We learned this week that the length of my cervix isn't as significant as it has been in prior weeks. It isn't a true indicator of how I am doing and since I am already on modified bedrest, the only change would be going from modifed to full bedrest. What matters is if the stitch (cerclage) is holding or failing. And since it is holding and things look good, she said she'd see me next week! We had to drop off the Fetal Fibronectin test at a lab and my doctor told me that I would hear the results from her before 6pm. The appointment at the office was good, now we would just wait for the lab results. The day went by smoothly but I was still nervous about the results. Finally at 6pm I called and told the office I hadn't heard back from them. They looked at my charts and told me that the test had come back negative!!! So, I shouldn't go into labor in the next 2 weeks, which would get me to 32 1/2 weeks. I am so hopeful that this is true and feel refreshed and ready to get through this week!

We are all so excited for Christmas. The spirit of the season has filled our home and our hearts as we wait for Christmas and the birth of Jesus. My grandmother wrote me a card this Christmas and told me how special it was to not only be waiting for the birth of Jesus, but for the birth of our baby as well. It is so easy to be swept up in the spirit of Christmas and to focus on the gifts, the food, and Santa. I was very thankful to be reminded by her to keep my focus on the true meaning of Christmas. This is a Christmas I am sure I will never forget. The thought of being home with my husband and children on this special day is truly amazing. And the greatest gift I could receive this Christmas is still being pregnant.

30 Weeks!

I am having a hard time containing my excitement this morning. I can't believe it! 30 weeks. Mentally, this is huge for me. In order to get through this pregnancy, I have continually set some mental goals. My first goal was to get to 25 weeks, then 28 weeks, then 30 weeks, and then 32 weeks. Most of these goals were based on the baby's well being. For instance at 25 weeks, the baby could live outside the womb. At 28 weeks, the risk of brain damage decreases if born. 30 weeks is more mental for me- finally turning the corner toward the finish line . . . birth. And finally, at 32 weeks, there are many studies which show that babies born at this gestation tend to not have any developmental delays. At 35 weeks, you can have your baby and take him/her home so that would be huge! So there you have it, a clear picture of how my brain works.

I try not to compare this pregnancy to my past pregnancies, but it is really hard not to do. Last night as I sat on the couch with Damien, we pondered the thought that I was almost 30 weeks, still at home, and only on modified bedrest. The whole scenario seems so bizarre to us. Thank you cerclage! This pregnancy has gone so well and has been manageable. The kids are doing great and really aren't affected at all by my bedrest. I hate to brag, but they are really such great kids. They are so in tune with my pregnancy and sense that I have to be really careful. If something drops on the floor, they will tell me not to bend over and run over and pick it up for me. They keep an eye on my water cup and if it looks low or is empty, they will ask if they could fill it up. They pray for the baby and for mommy every night at prayer and are so excited about the baby being born.

In the beginning of the pregnancy, my heart was constantly heavy with the thought that if something went terribly wrong with the pregnancy, the kids would be crushed. We told them about the pregnancy at 14 weeks and until I was 25 weeks, a lot of my pregnancy stress was because I didn't want to have to give them bad news. So now, to be 30 weeks, I am so happy to be in a good place and join the kids in their excitement to meet little Emily or Matthew. Their sweet innocent questions, talking to the baby through my tummy, and overall excitement to meet their new sibling has filled my heart with such happiness and peace. Soon this baby will be born into a family who is ready and waiting with open arms, to love and nurture him/her.

I am still very hopeful that I will be able to carry this pregnancy into 2007. The bigger and healthier the baby, the better it will be. I go into the doctor this Tuesday and will find out more about how things are really going in there! Maybe I will be put on full bedrest, maybe I won't. I will do whatever it takes to keep this pregnancy going, even it that means being hospitalized or spending all day on the couch or bed. When this is all over, and I hold that beautiful baby in my arms, I want to know that I did everything I could to give him/her the greatest chance to be a healthy, chubby baby.

Stay In There Baby!

Yesterday was my weekly doctor's appointment. We changed to Mondays after last weeks appointment. I was really anxious to go to this appointment because I wanted to see what my first week of modified bedrest did for the pregnancy. The appointment started off with my weekly progesterone shot and then the doctor came in to see how we were doing. She was thrilled that I was 29 weeks and was anxious to see what kind of shape I was in. If you remember, last week my cervical length was 2.4 cm. She examined me first and felt that the cerclage was still intact, but that the cervix was soft and gathered around the cerclage. Then she went in with the ultrasound and measured my length this week. It was 1.7 cm. She said that my cervix is no longer holding the baby in, instead the cerclage is doing all the work. Basically the cervix is not going completely away ONLY because the cerclage is in there. She said that if I didn't have the cerclage, I would most definetely be dilated. Thank God for the cerclage!

So why the decline in cervical length if I am on modified bedrest? The only way I can describe it is by using Claire's pregnancy as an example. When I was admitted to the hospital at 24 weeks with Claire, I wasn't dilated. For 73 days I lay in a hospital bed getting up only to go the bathroom. But when I was discharged at 35 weeks, I was 5 cm dilated. So even without gravity or movement, my cervix dilated. The same thing will happen with this pregnancy. I am not up and moving a lot, but the mere fact that the baby and my uterus is growing and crowding my body, will shorten my cervix. Eventually, I won't have much cervix left and the doctor said it will get paper thin.

The baby looked great and was making breathing movements (which is a major sign in a baby's well-being). She feels good because she thinks this baby is big and will be my biggest yet. She told me to go ahead and do another week on modified bedrest and we will re-evaluate next week. Next week I will take the Fetal Fibronectin again and hope that we get another negative result.

I am really excited to turn 30 Weeks this Saturday! I will be happy to leave the 20s behind and start inching closer to the birth of this baby! The stitches (cerclage) I have dissolves around 36/37 weeks so we are getting closer. My doctor had another high risk patient with an incompetent cervix earlier this year who was able to get to 37 weeks. She went in to take out the stitches and 15 minutes later, the baby was presenting! So . . . I am just excited to stop talking about the drama with the pregnancy and instead, talk about this baby coming into our lives. It has been a long road, but I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Little Emily or Matthew will soon be in our family and all of the work to get him/her here will have been more than worth it.

My next doctor's appointment is Tuesday the 19th and we will have more information then. But for now, as always, we'll be thankful for our blessings and keep praying that this baby is given more time before it comes into this world. To repeat the words that Damien speaks into my tummy every night, "I love you baby. Stay in there!".

29 Weeks

Yeah! 29 weeks and still at home. As I left my doctor's appointment last Monday, she said, "Have a boring week!". In other words, she hoped my week would be uneventful and not hear from me until my next appointment. Well, I made it another week and find myself feeling accomplished but overwhelmed at the same time. Part of this 'pregnancy amnesia' I talk about is forgetting how incredibly long pregnancy is. For instance, I have been pregnant since May. May! It seems extra long because what keeps me sane is exercise and I haven't taken a walk since week 10. Playing sports, going for a run, getting out in the fresh air is my kind of medicine for keeping me happy and well adjusted. I have found ways of coping with this 'cabin fever' but I am so looking forward to being able to move again!

With Claire, I gained a lot of weight. Of course, a lot of it was from being on bedrest in the hospital, but I was able to lose it all and feel good again. Much of the same will be true with this pregnancy too. Sure, I am not in the hospital, but I don't move! If we go to the mall or leave the house, I am in the wheelchair. So I am trying to embrace it all and stay positive. Today, after my parents left, I was able to go to my nephew's birthday party and it was great to get out of the house. It was nice to get some perspective and realize that at 29 weeks, I may be on partial bedrest, but I still have a life (which wasn't true in the hospital with Claire's pregnancy).

I feel good today and am so anxious to get to 30 weeks which will be HUGE for us! At this point in the pregnancy, the baby is approximately 16 inches long and about 3 pounds. While this isn't a point where I would be okay with having the baby, it is a great place to be for the moment. Each day, the baby is growing bigger and getting stronger. It gives me great strength and motivation to know that with each passing day, I am getting closer to meeting this little baby who hiccups and kicks me all day long.

Hank You Nonna and Grandpa

What a week it has been! When my parents flew in this past Sunday, I was still in the hospital and hoping I would be released in time to see them! Unfortuately, I wasn't there when they landed or when they got to my house and saw the kids . . . but I was released from the hospital soon after and met them there. I couldn't believe the timing of my hospital visit, but I managed to find some peace with it because if something went wrong, at least they were there to help me. Lucky for all of us, I was soon home and we were catching up. My mom came to visit 3 weeks ago, but I hadn't seen my dad since August so it was a thrill to just sit on the couch and catch up.

We packed a lot into the week. We went to a Christmas celebration downtown, did some shopping, went out to dinner a few times, I went to a doctor's appointment with my Mom, the kids and Nonna made dozens of cookies, and my parents had their "Christmas Celebration" with the kids because they won't see them until after the first of the year. My parents took the kids to and from school, made lunches and dinners (okay, my mom did), played games with the kids (Michael smoked Grandpa in Memory), and most importantly kept me company and kept my mind off laying on the couch!!

Some of the highlights of the week were listening to the things the kids would say to my parents. Claire's way of telling them how much she loved them was saying, "I Love You More Than Bunnies". Grandpa enjoyed it when Claire would say, "Hank You" (instead of thank you). Michael stayed consistant with saying, "For real?" over and over. The "Good Sport" award went to my dad as he watched, The View, every morning with me and my Mom. But the story of the week was when Michael went up to my dad the second day they were here and asked him if he wanted to get a table and chairs to help sell his Spiderman comic books to Venom (one of Spiderman's enemies). My dad said to him, "But Spiderman isn't real." Michael assured him that he was real because he came to his birthday party this past year. Michael walked away and then came back a few minutes later and asked my dad, "Grandpa, do you believe in God?". My dad said, "Yes." He thought for a second and said, "Then Grandpa . . . believe in Spiderman." My dad was so touched by their conversation and felt at that very moment that they had connected.

I am sad that they are leaving, but feel like the week was full of such special quality time. The kids loved having Nonna and Grandpa here and my parents loved being here, too. Hanks for the memories.

Nothing Like A Little Holiday Drama

First off, everything is okay! We had a bit of a
scare yesterday, but we are back on track now. It all started on Saturday when I went to the hospital to get my second shot of Betamethasone (steroids for the baby's lungs). That went smoothly, but then when I came home, I started to get really red on my face, arms, and chest. I called Labor and Delivery and told them about the reaction I was having, but they told me wait it out. So I laid down for a while, still experiencing the redness and it continued throughout the late evening. What eventually alarmed me the most was that later in the evening, I was unable to feel the baby moving in my tummy. I tried to just take it easy and wait it out, but at 2:30 a.m. and after waiting hours to feel movement, I called the doctor to see what I should do. She told me to try and sleep and if I still didn't feel the baby in the morning, to go into Labor and Delivery again.

I awoke at 8:00 a.m. with the same pit in my stomach that I had gone to bed with, and because I still felt no movement, we loaded the kids into the car and headed to the hospital. My brother and sister in law met us there and took the kids to their house and Damien and I went up to Labor and Delivery to be examined. They put me on a heart rate and contraction monitor and it was such a relief to hear the strong heartbeat of the baby. Still no movement, but a heart rate was great! Upon doing this non-stress test, they noticed that I was having some contractions and that my uterus was very irritable. Because they know my history (which freaks a lot of people out), they were concerned and gave me a shot and some medication to calm my uterus down and hopefully stop the contractions. For a few moments, I feared that they would keep me and I would be starting my 'in the hospital bedrest journey'. I just kept hoping and praying that things would calm down, and they did. I was given the Fetal fibronectin test again and it came back negative, so that means that labor shouldn't be on it's way in the next 2 weeks, which is good! I will take that again in 2 weeks to see what the next result is. We also realized after 5 hours of monitoring, that when I finally changed position in the hospital bed, that my uterus was much calmer. So it was a small scare to say the least, but now we have some more solid confirmation that things are really going well.

I went in today to my regular doctor and got my shot of progesterone and she thought since I was there, and considering my visit to the hospital yesterday, that they should go ahead and do an ultrasound and see if the contractions changed the cervical length. It was nice, because my Mom was with me so she would at least get another chance to see the baby. But upon examination, there was no difference from last week's appointment and so things are back to normal. Modified bedrest and a renewed confidence that despite the irritability and Braxton Hicks contractions yesterday, everything is going as well as planned.

For those of you that count on my Friday appointment reports, we have changed the day that I see the doctor to Monday's so I won't be going in for another exam until next Monday. Until then . . .

The Nutcracker

This past Thursday evening, we drove an hour north to Walnut Creek to watch Damien's mom, Marlene, perform in a version of the Nutcracker. Many years ago, she wrote a narration to the Nutcracker and has been performing it ever since. Because Marlene used to be a ballerina and then taught ballet for many years, it feels very natural for her to be on the stage. Every year, the kids look forward to watching "E" (that's what they call her) at the Nutcracker. This year was no different. It was a very nice night and the kids were mesmerized watching the dancers, the King Mouse, and E onstage. The kids both were on the edges of their seats and did pretty well during the hour long show. Claire couldn't help but perform a few ballerina poses and Michael was most concerned about the well being of the mice and the Nutcracker. It was a wonderful night!

28 Weeks

Today I am 28 weeks! A great milestone, but not a place where I want this pregnancy to end. Day 2 of modified bedrest started out with me checking into the hospital this morning to receive the last of 2 shots of betamethasone. The kids were really excited to come to the hospital with us, but knew that we weren't there to to have the baby. When I got up to Labor and Delivery, we had to wait a minute to find out what room we were going to be in. The coolest part of the whole experience was that as we were walking into our room, the doctor in the next room delivered a little baby right when we were walking by. We heard the doctor say, "And here she is!". Then the baby started to cry little baby cries. The kids couldn't believe it! They didn't think it was real, but we told them that they just heard the first noise that the baby made and they were so giddy!

As we waited in our room to register and for the nurse to draw the medication, the kids looked around and figured everything out about the room from the little baby bed to the bed I would be laying in. I think that the visit to the hospital made this pregnancy even more real to them and they were so excited about eventually meeting their new brother or sister! After our big outing, I retreated to the couch for my bedrest and Damien went shopping for groceries. Boy- are we having fun these days!

I found myself getting a little overwhelmed last night about the prospect of bedrest. I completely understand that modified bedrest is not that big of a deal, but I think that in my mind it is just the start to the craziness that might be around the corner. Of course, I take some peace in knowing that the baby is getting bigger and that we are in a good place, but it is still hard to settle down and rest when I really want to be up and moving. For all of you worriers out there, I am resting even more than I should be! What gives me great perspective is that in Claire's pregnancy, I had already spent 28 days on full bedrest in the hospital, had gone into labor, and faced some pretty serious health issues. So when you look at it this way, to just be starting partial bedrest is awesome. I just hope it continues for a while.

So, here is to another good week! My parents come into town tomorrow (Sunday) and stay for a week so it will be a great way for me to feel supported and help me pass the time to my next appointment on Friday. I am so excited to see them and my kids are beyond anxious to have them in our house!

Modified Bedrest Is Here

Well, the day has finally come. No matter how much we prayed or wished for things to stay as perfect as it has been . . . this day was coming. When I woke up this morning, I made a concerted effort to say out loud, "I am walking and am not on bedrest in December!". The reason I did this is that we had a pretty good idea that at this morning's appointment, we would be put on bedrest. The wait was long this morning and we were seen and hour and fifteen minutes late. To be truthful, it was nice to have some time to just talk with Damien and prepare ourselves for whatever news we might hear when the doctor came in. I try and schedule my doctor appointments when the kids are in school so I am not too distracted. So the long wait didn't really bother me.

When she came in, she was happy to hear that I had a quiet week and that there weren't any pressing issues to deal with (i.e. cramping, spotting, anything out of the ordinary). Every appointment, we go through the same three steps: First, she does an internal exam where she feels my cervix and the stitches to see if there are any changes. Upon doing this today, she said that we did have a change from last week, but that the cerclage (stitches) were still intact and holding which is really good! Second, she performs a trans-abdominal ultrasound to look at the baby and make sure that the heart rate is good and that there is adequate amniotic fluid. This test went well. And third, she does a trans-vaginal ultrasound where they go internally with a different ultrasound instrument and measure the cervical length on the computer screen. Step 3 was what put me on modified bedrest. Once the cervical length measures 2.5 cm or less, modified bedrest is a must. And today, the measurement was 2.39 cm. So, after almost 28 weeks of pregnancy and waiting weekly for the other shoe to drop, it finally did.

We are in really good spirits despite the change. Why you might ask? Well, for those that are familiar with premature birth, the first MAJOR milestone is getting the baby to 28 weeks (which is tomorrow). Also, if you look at my previous pregnancies, you realize that I never had any cervical length past 24 weeks. At 24 weeks with Michael's pregnancy I was dilated to 2cm, and with Claire's pregnancy I had no cervical length left at 24 weeks and was admitted to the hospital on full bedrest in both cases. So how can I complain or be unhappy with the fact that I am almost 28 weeks and in such great shape? The cerclage is definitly working and neither I, nor the baby, are in any imminent danger. The closer I get to my due date, the more drama we will face. So the doctors, Damien and I expected the tide to turn today.

At my appointment, I was administered the first of two shots of betamethasone, which is a steroid that once shot into my system goes directly to the baby's lungs to make them more mature in case of premature labor. I will get the next shot tomorrow at the hospital and find some peace that on the off chance labor does come, the baby is protected as much as possible. In both Michael and Claire's pregnancies, they both received the steroids at 24 weeks. Because Claire was eventually born full term, it was great to get them, but it made no difference because she was so healthy when she was born. But in the case of Michael and his being born at 25 weeks, it made more difference than we will ever know. He was on oxygen for a total of 3 months, but was able to come home without any oxygen support and has no long term lung complications (which is quite rare for what he has been through).

I know that the reality of the situation will hit me soon, but because I have been preparing emotionally for this change, I feel like I am in a good place. I have to lay down for 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. I can still be brought out of the house in a wheelchair and walk around the house in the evening. My doctor was very insistent that I try and do normal things as much as I can. So I am looking forward to going out to dinner and seeing the outside world in the evenings. I can find great perspective in my situation because of everything I have been through with my other two children and their pregnancies. While no one wants to go on bedrest, I am certainly not scared of it. After all of this hard work, and a little pregnancy amnesia :) , I will have a beautiful baby in my arms and all of the hard or trying times will have been more than worth it. We are getting so much more excited to meet this baby with each and every passing day. And I will have plenty of time to think about this excitement from the couch as I do my best to make this baby the healthiest he or she can be.